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Vice Blog

MAKING IT RAIN WITH CHRIS NIERATKO

In honor of Columbus Day (PS: Are we the only ones who take this off anymore? Is it a PC thing or is everyone's boss just a dick?) here's a little lesson in rainmaking from Skinema's Chris Nieratko. As for context, via chrisnieratko.com:

"The other day was my nephew/godson, Ethan's, 4th birthday. It's so crazy because it really does feel like only four years ago he was born. Isn't it weird the tricks that Father Time plays on your brain? This year his birthday party was held on a farm near my in-law's house. It had everything a kid would really want out of a farm: pony rides, pooping ponies, petting zoo with sheep, pooping sheep, a corn maze, pooping corn. It was awesome. In case you didn't already know, I collect costumes. Every year after Halloween I stockpile all sorts of outfits from Halloween stores at 75% off…

"Last night Crissie and I were in our hot tizzle trying to figure out what we should be for Halloween. I really want to be Taliban and have Crissie be The Statue of Liberty but my Paki friend Suroosh won't give me his damn turban so I think I need a back up plan. I suggested being a rabbi or Hasidic Jew and have Crissie be my black prostitute. She killed that idea. She doesn't want to paint her whole body black. She suggested I be her and she be me for Halloween since we are both Chris Nieratko anyway. I thought it was cute. But not awesome. We need something visually striking for our Christmas cards. I think I'm going back to a classic: Hitler on vacation. And have Crissie be a hula girl. I've already been growing my beard and moustache out for the Taliban idea, so it wouldn't take but a quick trim, some Bermuda shorts and sun block on my nose. Decisions, decisions.

"My nephews Ethan and Josh love my cow costume. They call me Uncle Cow. They think I'm always wearing it and I have to lie to them that I am. When we called from Portugal on our honeymoon last year Ethan asked if I was wearing the cow costume. I had to tell him, "Yes, I am always wearing the costume." Josh and Ethan even insisted I wear it to Ethan's last birthday party: a Superman party. (I felt a bit out of place so they put an S on my chest.) I'm kind of partial to my full chicken costume but they always want Uncle Cow. Either would be appropriate for a farm party but it was Ethan's party so I asked him and let him decide. He gave me the weirdest look, like I was semi-retarded. "You have to wear your cow costume. You're Uncle Cow. You're not Uncle Chicken." Good point. So I wore the cow suit. And the kids loved it. Parents asked how much I charged for birthday parties. I was like, "I'm just the uncle. I'm not hired help." Everybody had a great time and we all got loaded on sangria but there was one thing that bummed me out, something so sad and pathetic that I can't help but wonder what kind of world we live in. This lady came up to me with her little daughter, she wasn't even part of our party, she just came up to me and said, "I think your outfit is inappropriate." I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. "What's wrong with my outfit?" She pointed to the udders and made a cross face. And I laughed in her stupid, crossed face. "Are you kidding me?" I asked. "If you look at udders and think dirty thoughts, there's something wrong with you, lady. Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm a cow. Cows have udders. And for that matter, I'm the most appropriately dressed person on this farm today. You're dressed inappropriately in your people-clothes, jerk!" She stormed off, dragging her child behind her. The little girl smiled and waved at me in my cow costume.

"We gave Ethan 100 one-dollar bills as his gift, just because he hasn't learned what each currency denomination is yet. So a hundred singles to him looks like a million bucks. He was stoked. My mom opened a savings account for him and I took him to the bank and deposited his money with him. But not before I taught him how to make it rain."

CHRIS NIERATKO