If you live in New York and you plan on having a good time, at some point you're going to have to pay the $25 Having Fun Tax. Basically that's when you get busted on the street for drinking, and that's how much it costs unless you feel like spending a few hours cracking up with a bunch of stoners in a court room, in which case you'll most likely be let off for free. It's no big deal, it happens to everyone, but if you blow it off and you're busted again for something equally innocuous such as jumping a turnstile, it's the clink for you. Here's a first-hand account of what happened to our friend who is not Tom Cruise's daughter (it'll make sense in a minute) last weekend…On Friday I was leaving a friend's house to go walk my friend's dog. I used to do this all the time, going in twos through the turnstile. So we did that. No one was around. Then suddenly this cop came up and took down our information. Apparently I had a warrant out for my arrest for a drinking ticket in 2007, the first time, not the second time. Somehow the second one didn't show up on my record at all.He put handcuffs on me, the really tight metal kind. Then these two Chinese people tried to go through in twos too, and they got caught and the woman started hitting the cop. And it was right when everyone was getting off the train and going home from work. I was trying to hide the handcuffs because I was so embarrassed.They brought me down to the Brooklyn jail. They said I might have to stay overnight but it was pretty early and they could probably get me processed quickly. I had no phone numbers and no way of calling anyone.After a few hours I was brought to central booking and put in a main cell. There were gym mats on the floor with bread crumbs and cockroaches everywhere, and stale milk that was opened. For some reason every woman had her stomach out, like they were lying with their shirts up. When they gave us moldy cheese sandwiches with hot mayonnaise this snoring junkie woman got up and started smacking on the food. Bread flew all over the room. This other woman tried to talk to me about working at Rite Aid for 20 years and I was like, "Shut up, I don't care," so I pretended to go to sleep. When I opened my eyes she was staring at me.Finally I actually fell asleep—I cleaned off the mat with some water and toilet paper—and when I woke up there were feet digging into my back. There were 15 people in the cell, including three Asian prostitutes. The feet on me belonged to another junkie woman who was six-foot-five with a beard.They told me I'd be out in the morning. No. Around 5 AM it was breakfast time. Some girl had come into the cell and she was kind of the leader because she's been in jail a whole bunch, including nine months on Rikers Island. Nobody asked why. They threw cereal boxes into the cell with more warm milk and she kept on talking about how the cereal gives you diarrhea. I couldn't eat! I was not going to shit in the cell whatsoever. I decided to just not eat.Then this other girl came in who'd been involved in a scissor fight. She had two huge lines of cuts down her face and she had blood all over her hoodie. Everybody told their stories and I was the least cool one. Everyone called me Tom Cruise's daughter. I don't know why because I am not her. Isn't his daughter some 13-year-old girl who's really ugly? This scissor fight girl ended up taking me under her wing.There was a mouse in the cell. I was sitting by the radiator that didn't work. The mouse came out by me and all the women were like, "Yo! Tom Cruise's daughter didn't even blink!" Seriously, I would prefer a mouse crawling all over me if that's what it took to keep them away from me. I didn't say that, of course. They kept screaming, "A mouse! A mouse!" and they were all curled up on the other side of the cell so I had plenty of leg room.I kept falling asleep and having nightmares and waking up and thinking I was next to my girlfriend but I was next to some woman who'd put her head down next to mine. She'd stabbed some guy in the face with a screwdriver. I curled up in a fetal position and put my jacket over my face and cried.Midday this deaf girl got brought in because she'd been smoking weed. Of course she couldn't call anyone because she's deaf. Nobody was helping her out. She just stood with her hands on the bars and cried for like 12 hours. The guards were talking shit about her, all, "Stupid fucking deaf girl, she can't even hear us. What a bitch." Nobody would help her, and apparently there's only one deaf translator in all the five burroughs so she had to stay there until whenever the translator could show up. They said that meant she'd be there an extra day.Right before I left this girl came in screaming. She reminded me of Valerie Solanas. She was on so much cocaine. She was like, "Yo yo yo!" when she got in the cell. Apparently she and her husband bought a bunch of cocaine, Viagra, Xanax, methadone, and weed and picked up her bisexual girlfriend Ruby from the airport. They were going to party in a hotel room and they got caught. Then Ruby was flirting with the guards. The woman freaked out and was screaming, "Ruby! You fucking slut! I know you're sucking their dicks!" This was while Ruby was getting fingerprinted. Ruby had a boob job and tongue rings that were clanking away. She was absolutely disgusting.Finally I got out around 11 PM the next day. I was dismissed on an ACD. All my fines were dropped. I basically saved $200 by going to jail for a night. But that was the worst night of my life, and I really want to do something about the inhumane experience of jail. I want to donate money to this group. Right when I left I bought a pack of Marlboro Reds for like nine dollars, like, fuck it. I went to a friend's house, met up with my girlfriend, got a 40, a chicken sandwich, and watched The House Bunny, which is sort of like Legally Blonde except instead of law school she excels at being in Playboy.TOM CRUISE'S DAUGHTER
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