Morrissey is in clear need of an overhaul. Holding a baby on the cover of Years Of Refusal was a start. The image, of course, is richly ironic, as it is well known in the pop world that he doesn't have genitals. Too bad the visual hijinx has been nixed by the very middling single offered from his forthcoming shitbinge of an album. Frankly, the quiffy honey-monster panders to formula so strongly nowadays that it's become something of a chore to track-skip through his records. After all, baby or no, everyone knows Years Of Refusal is likely to contain songs in the following keys…A song that romanticises young men from the hard-as-nails working/criminal classes
A song that shouts-out his friends/confidantes as the only ones who truly understand him
A song in which he acknowledges that he will never be understood by the wider world.
A song in which he contemplates his own mortality.One for the fans, then. But given that all his albums are now for-fans-only, and that his fans are as incapable of reproduction as is he, and often die as a result of heavy bruising or embarrassment, that fanbase is dwindling rapidly. In a few years time, there won't be enough of them left to finance that exiled Roman Dolce Vita, and he'll be forced to rent a poxy room in Whalley Range. So to delay him having to return to a fallen England overrun with foreign types, we humbly propose a few career reinventions with which Moz might relight his mojo.1. Hire Timberlake.
Four Minutes-style co-option of pop royalty, guaranteeing US chart crossover. Beats by Danja. Video in which Moz and Timberlake cavort athletically on a CGI-set based on Allan Bennett's living room. Lyric in which Morrissey regrets a love affair that went sour before it even began, then tells Timberlake that he will solve his abiding melancholy through boogie.
Sample lyric:
Moz: "I regret I never took that fatal chance / Now all I really want to do is dance"
Timberlake: "Get up on it like that / Your ennui is big but your beats are fat."2. Go Electroclash.
The king of eighties indie, refracted through the eighties that electroclash was an interpolation of. Moz barks out frosty statements about his Peaches-style kinky sex life and Miss Kittin fantasy Eurotrash jetset lifestyle in an icy monotone, as a single synth line stabs its way to conclusion over an 808 hi-hat.
Sample lyric:
"My life's a weighty, weary tome / Party at the Hilton in Paris or Rome
The rain lashes my corduroy britches / Double-A dildo for all my bitches."3. Go U2.
Develop a messianic complex (well, perfect it). Then write big vacuous zzzzzzongs about African politics, with a vaguely homoerotic tint. One would be about child soldiers in Uganda's infamous Lord's Resistance Army.
Sample lyric:
"The boy with the hungry eyes
The one they all despise.
Spending days writing diary entries.
About the nine year old sentries.
But they will never never be read
Because civil war left him dead."4. The Full Rick Wakeman.
Make a high concept concept album. In a loose retelling of the Argonauts myth, Morrissey narrates his quest in song as he battles a series of mythological creatures through history, from centaurs to unicorns to giant squid, in pursuit of a magical amulet that will give him the power to forgive lovers who spurned him.
Sample lyric:
"Medusa! Abuser!
You lied, you cheated and left me here bedraggled.
But my heart won't turn to stone.
When we meet in the Thunderdome.
The amulet is what I need
To consecrate these past misdeeds."GAVIN HAYNES
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A song that shouts-out his friends/confidantes as the only ones who truly understand him
A song in which he acknowledges that he will never be understood by the wider world.
A song in which he contemplates his own mortality.One for the fans, then. But given that all his albums are now for-fans-only, and that his fans are as incapable of reproduction as is he, and often die as a result of heavy bruising or embarrassment, that fanbase is dwindling rapidly. In a few years time, there won't be enough of them left to finance that exiled Roman Dolce Vita, and he'll be forced to rent a poxy room in Whalley Range. So to delay him having to return to a fallen England overrun with foreign types, we humbly propose a few career reinventions with which Moz might relight his mojo.1. Hire Timberlake.
Four Minutes-style co-option of pop royalty, guaranteeing US chart crossover. Beats by Danja. Video in which Moz and Timberlake cavort athletically on a CGI-set based on Allan Bennett's living room. Lyric in which Morrissey regrets a love affair that went sour before it even began, then tells Timberlake that he will solve his abiding melancholy through boogie.
Sample lyric:
Moz: "I regret I never took that fatal chance / Now all I really want to do is dance"
Timberlake: "Get up on it like that / Your ennui is big but your beats are fat."2. Go Electroclash.
The king of eighties indie, refracted through the eighties that electroclash was an interpolation of. Moz barks out frosty statements about his Peaches-style kinky sex life and Miss Kittin fantasy Eurotrash jetset lifestyle in an icy monotone, as a single synth line stabs its way to conclusion over an 808 hi-hat.
Sample lyric:
"My life's a weighty, weary tome / Party at the Hilton in Paris or Rome
The rain lashes my corduroy britches / Double-A dildo for all my bitches."3. Go U2.
Develop a messianic complex (well, perfect it). Then write big vacuous zzzzzzongs about African politics, with a vaguely homoerotic tint. One would be about child soldiers in Uganda's infamous Lord's Resistance Army.
Sample lyric:
"The boy with the hungry eyes
The one they all despise.
Spending days writing diary entries.
About the nine year old sentries.
But they will never never be read
Because civil war left him dead."4. The Full Rick Wakeman.
Make a high concept concept album. In a loose retelling of the Argonauts myth, Morrissey narrates his quest in song as he battles a series of mythological creatures through history, from centaurs to unicorns to giant squid, in pursuit of a magical amulet that will give him the power to forgive lovers who spurned him.
Sample lyric:
"Medusa! Abuser!
You lied, you cheated and left me here bedraggled.
But my heart won't turn to stone.
When we meet in the Thunderdome.
The amulet is what I need
To consecrate these past misdeeds."GAVIN HAYNES
