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Vice Blog

HUGE EVIL WORLD CUP EXPLOSION

OK, so we're all desperate to get to the knock-out rounds of The World Cup of Evil, so we've brought together the two last groups into one mega blog of ethnic cleansing, violence, and bad manners. This lot are evil, even more evil than those sell-out dogs up there.

GROUP F

ITALY

Football evil: Basically, for years, matches in the Italian league were fixed. So, the results aren't real and the national team plays a brand of dirty, defensive football which is about as fun as listening to Muse. Evil as pie.

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NEW ZEALAND

Historical evil: Apart from not letting Maoris ride their whales anymore and getting Samoans in to clean their houses, the Kiwis are too fond of barbecues and outdoor pursuits to get really, traditionally evil. But is there actually anything more evil than an earnest camper who likes rock-climbing and enjoys a sing-a-long after a grilled fish dinner?

Football evil: They are so sickeningly hard-working and spirited that it feels like some sort of sinister real life version of the Mighty Ducks in which children have been replaced by large men from an island of sheep farmers.

PARAGUAY

Historical evil: OK, what the fuck is Rummy up to here? And what was the Bush government doing here? This is a secret Ivy League club of evil right here.

Football evil: Their greatest footballer, Jose Chilavert, was said to benefit from the Paraguayans throwing games against the French by being guaranteed a big deal political position, should he ever want one. He's had some great moments, from fighting with Colombia's Faustino Asprilla to scoring lots of goals, including this one.

SLOVAKIA

Historical evil: Like a lot of other teams from the region (weird Europe), Slovakia hasn't been a country for very long but there were lots of happy Slavs doing happy Slav things in the area before the evil Nazis turned up and softened them up for the Soviets.

Football evil: Look at their main man Martin Skrtel. Now tell me that if you saw him coming towards you down a dark alleyway you wouldn't run hard in the opposite direction like you were in Chariots of Fire.

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VERDICT

1. Italy

2. New Zealand

  1. Paraguay

  1. Slovakia

The Kiwis have snatched second place with their competitive outdoorsmanship and their hatred of the brave animal taming folk from the islands. Italy clearly wins. Corruption and evil seep through them. I mean, I didn't even mention the Medicis.

GROUP H

CHILE

Historical evil: The toppling of democratically elected Salvador Allende by US backed military maniac Augusto Pinochet is a high point of Chilean evil. Basically he killed EVERYONE.

Football evil: The 1962 World Cup game between Chile and Italy was known as the Battle of Santiago. Prior to the game, Italian journalists had spent weeks writing about what a whore-ridden dump of poverty stricken crap Santiago was and the Chileans were pissed off. BBC highlights presenter David Coleman introduced the game thusly: "Good evening. The game you are about to see is the most stupid, appalling, disgusting and disgraceful exhibition of football, possibly in the history of the game."

SPAIN

Historical evil: The civil war may have had the coolest guest-list of any war ever, but it also ushered in four decades of General Franco and his region-quashing, Picasso-hating, bullfight-loving dictatorship. Franco wouldn't even commit to out-and-out evil though: he gave the Nazis lists of Spanish Jews and killed lots of dissenters but he never actually joined the Germans, which enraged old Hitler.

Football evil: The national team may now play a brand of creamy passing football that has middle-aged men nodding knowledgeably, but in the past Spanish teams were made up of Catalan and Basque players who didn't think Spain should be a country and who hated the Franco-loved Castilians they played with. One of these Basque players, Andoni Goikoetxea, was known as the Butcher of Bilbao and kept the football boot he ruined Maradona's ankle with in a glass case in his living room. Here's the tackle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpcBkpOf4z8 .

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SWITZERLAND

Historical evil: Neutral mountain dwelling weirdos keeping stacks of Nazi gold in their banks while turning Jews away from their borders.

Football evil: Boring, asinine style of play performed by men not good enough to play for France, Italy or Germany.

HONDURAS

Historical evil: In the past, Honduras was a part of the Mayan empire and the ball game of choice was played to the death on a sacred court. If still alive, the winning captain would present his head to his opponent, who would then decapitate it, thus giving the winner a direct passage to the after-life.

Football evil: Robust men with not a lot of skill aiming to out-muscle their opponents is generally a good recipe for low to mid-level evil, especially when you throw in delayed diving.

VERDICT

Chile have Pinochet, and you can never underestimate that. But Spain has Franco and the Swiss have cuckoo clocks, so they're the teams that go through. Honduras, as in the real thing, occupy a dubiously honorable fourth place.

  • Spain
  • Switzerland
  • Chile
  • Honduras

OSCAR RICKETT