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Vice Blog

NEW YORK - LOOSE ENDS

Cow-eating correspondent Darren Gold just wrote us last night with some big news:

"Ever since putting together the article for the Food Issue, one thing I missed has been really nagging at me: cow dick. Its omission wasn't for lack of effort. I called every local Vietnamese restaurant I could find a number for in search of some wang, and even learned their word for it, but was met with nothing but stern gazes (I assume) and curtly shouted denials. Writing it off felt sort of like cheating, so when a friend of mine called last week to tell me he had eaten at a place with penis on the menu, I figured it was a matter of honor and dignity to head over there and get some inside me.

The restaurant is one of those cheap Japanese places on St. Mark's that mostly Asian people go to, and sure enough bull penis is not only on the menu in plain language, but front and center. It comes chopped into steamed (I think), dumpling-size bites and covered with some sort of sweet-mustard sauce. Actually, aside from the thin brown urethra running through each segment, it's pretty hard to tell it apart from your average piece of dim sum. For a while, I was kind of worried that I was being scammed into eating something other than dick, but as soon as that first veiny bite hit my mouth, all doubts were allayed.

Not trying to be flippant or cute or anything, but it totally tastes like what you'd expect penis to taste like. The outside skin is soft and gelatinous almost to the point of unchewability, while the inner portion feels like you're working your way through cartilage. Biting a superball through a condom would probably be a safe reference point. In addition to that, every time your teeth sever the central tube you can feel a tiny SNAP, followed immediately by a rush of whatever fucking fluid survived the cooking into your mouth.

The texture is such an utter affront to the senses, it almost overwhelms the actual flavor of the meat. I came extremely close to yarfing all over the table two times during my dinner—the first time right after taking the initial bite, then again once I'd grown accustomed to the feel and suddenly realized that the inside of my mouth tasted like a shat-in urinal. Having ingested neither urine nor semen, I can't honestly pin that horrible tang on them, but I would not be the least bit surprised if either were the culprit. The whole thing actually tastes indecent.

In any case, as with most shitty foods, once you get past the initial shock it's pretty easy to grow a pair and soldier through the rest. I got the remainder down with minimal gagging, and cleansed my palate with an order of spring rolls that tasted like manna straight from God's hands after the ordeal my mouth had just endured. Actually, I'd say those spring rolls probably represented the single greatest eating experience of my life."