FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Vice Blog

NEW YORK - LEERING ON MAGAZINE STREET

Smashed into a tiny rental car, headed into the blissful throes of a sunny Saturday in New Orleans, my day was interrupted by raucous scene on Magazine Street. A chubby blond in red shorts and a white t-shirt was yammering bloody murder as two guys forcibly pulled her from the car she was clinging to with all her might. She wailed like a drunken banshee as her grip was loosened, and continued screaming as the men restrained her. She was shaking, unintelligible gibberish spewing from her beet red face.

Advertisement

Our instant reaction was one of alarm on behalf of the woman—was her car being stolen?No, something wasn't right. She was fighting one of the men but the other seemed to be restraining her a bit more calmly, like a patient, bemused friend. The car pulled up next to us and I, sitting shotgun, looked over at the driver, curious about his role in all the hubbub. Smiling back at me with the biggest shit-eating grin I've ever seen was Eric Roberts.

I realized that I was sitting sprawled with my legs open and up on the dash, underwear peeking out of my short shorts, bra hanging out of my tank top. The grin was a perfect mix of lechery and camaraderie… or maybe he was not acknowledging the incident but my practically visible crotch? In any regard, that grin was one you would expect from…well…a man like

Eric Roberts

. He looks rather distinguished now with his graying hair. His chiseled face has aged well.

I later found out he was in town filming Sylvester Stallone's soon-to-be best movie yet,

The Expendables

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1320253/. If you haven't heard of this, you should look it up. It's like the dream team of fading, aging action heroes: Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steven Austin, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Randy Couture, and Brittany Murphy. Strangely, this lineup really turns me on—except for the Brittany Murphy part. I miss the days when the bad boys who ruled Hollywood were actually bad. Like, before Sean Penn started throwning tantrums and making out with Natalie Portman. Now all we've got is Keifer Sutherland head-butting fashion designers and tackling Christmas trees.

Eric Roberts ranked up there with Mickey Rourke as one of the best 80s bad boys, a cop-punching, car-wrecking, cocaine-addicted mess, but a reasonably decent actor nonetheless. While nothing beats Mickey Rourke's complete and total insanity coupled with that gloriously deflowered mug, Roberts is deserving of his spot right up there with him. For true gold check out Rourke giving Roberts a considerable shout-out during an awards acceptance speech:

This is not part of the story, but a guy who's worked with Mickey Rourke a whole bunch told me that even though Rourke has lived in Manhattan for years, he still has to call his assistant every night and have him give him directions home. No matter where he is. His assistant can't go to bed until he's fielded Rourke's phone call and put him to bed, step by step.

BEVERLY HAMES