Let's All Argue About Abu Qatada

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are fake and the writers don't exist. Why are we bothering to run it? Because everyone else is talking about this at the moment, and like everyone else, the last thing we want to do is miss out on some easy hits.

So: It's the moral tussle over the future of Osama bin Laden's 'man in Europe' that everyone's talking about – but does Abu Qatada really deserve to be shipped off to Jordan to be tortured, or are we just taking this whole jihad thing too seriously? Let's hear both sides of the argument.

QATADA? MORE LIKE KICK HIM OUT!
by Jim Dixon

He may not have hooks for hands, but everything else about the sinister cleric Abu Qatada indicates how evil he is. The staring eyes. The beard. The fact that he is a Muslim. Three incontrovertible facts that suggest irrefutably that he shouldn't be let within a country mile of a packed commuter train just leaving Waterloo. Yet once again our barmy judicial system refuses to let him be tortured in a country that would very much like to torture him. Surely, the definition of good diplomatic relations with the Jordanians would be to accede to their gracious request to string his testicles through chicken wire and put alligator clamps on his fleshy bits. Let's face it – the Jordanians are probably much better at that sort of thing than our own hapless secret servicemen, who probably couldn't even torture a man with eight penises properly. It is simply barmy that, thanks to years of legal tinkering from dangerous wets, our judicial system allows a man who has openly confessed to being a Muslim to roam free inside a maximum security British prison. Our judges have effectively said: “Oh, we couldn't possibly deport you to a foreign country. Here, why don't you lie down for a few more decades until such a point as Jordan becomes a western European liberal democracy that doesn't condone sticking a truncheon up a man's back passage?” Well if Jordan is so terrible, then why do they continue to sell luxury timeshares there? It is a sad irony that this man is using the very freedoms he hates to destroy them. Would Qatada be so keen on British civilization if it did not offer him the freedom to use the stars and the crescent moon to decipher when the weekly stoning ritual takes place in the carpark of Wakefield Tesco? My wife doesn't look good in a burka. My favourite meal is crackling. My favourite deity is God. And as much as I might agree with him that the missus would be better seen and not heard, none of these facts mark me out for a particularly prosperous future in the Islamic superstate he is so obviously hell-bent on. If you think leaves on the line are bad for the trains, just try getting to the buffet car through the mangled remains of a bank clerk from Harrogate. It is time to show Qatada what true British justice means. It is time to execute him without trial.

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LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE NEEDS TO TAKE A FEW CHILL PILLS
by Abu Qatada

Guys, relax. Islam is a religion which means 'peace'. It does not mean 'pieces of commuter ankle flying through the Aldgate air'. It's a subtle yet important distinction you guys need to get with, and the first step in you guys overcoming your lamentable Islamophobia. Honestly, the way things are going in this country, these days a guy like me can't even walk into a crowded shopping mall with a full beard, backpack and white religious dress, shout “Allahu akbar!” and strike a match, without some ex-squaddie have-a-go-hero leaping onto me and pinning me to the ground. Don't these people know I'm joking? That I'm just celebrating our differences in the only way I know how? The reason I came to Britain in the first place was because you guys have the best sense of humour in the world, with the Monty Pythons and the My Familys (so much like my own family it's just not funny, apart from the woman, who is bringing much dishonour upon her clan). Now I find that you're just as humourless as your American cousins when it comes to me being first in the X-Ray machine every time I try and board a transatlantic flight while wearing platform shoes with my traditional suitcase of alarm clocks. We all need to live a little, and have the good grace not to take the memory card off of a man taking a few innocent snaps of the Sellafield exclusion zone, or come knocking on his door just because he's Googled 'dirty bomb' 23 times in a week. As a proud immigrant, that's what British justice means to me – it means leave me alone, I'm very busy with my import-export business and so what if I have eight mobile phones, sometimes I need to speak to eight people. It doesn't mean that newspapers should be free to print yet more lies about me. Even today, there are still people out there saying that I was "Osama bin Laden's man in Europe", but I can tell you that Osama used to say that to everyone. Any time there was a prayer-and-fasting party, Osama would stumble in from some Tora Bora cave, his hands wet with the blood of some martyr or other, sleaze over to anyone he knew was in Europe and tell them how global jihad would collapse without them. In fact, he once told me that I was doing great work with Spain, when I'd not even been to Spain, apart from a package holiday (no – not that sort of package holiday). Anyway, Osama was that kind of guy. Crazy schmuck. Rest in pieces and all that. If the British government really wanted to know where anyone was in the pecking order, maybe they should've asked the Americans to ask him that before they shot him. Just a thought guys, y'know – use it, don't use it… There is literally no way I am going to Jordan to face any kind of charges. Do you people have any idea what it's like dealing with Arabs? To me, I live in Britain because it's the best country in the world. Not that I'm saying we couldn't make some minor modifications round here. Some of the graven images in the National Gallery may have to go. The Queen could be told to show a little less skin. And we could do with lowering the cost of one-way tickets on the nation's trains. But really, it is about time the British government stop persecuting me – I'm starting to develop a martyr complex.

@hurtgavinhaynes

Previously: An Obligatory and Pointless Debate About The Iron Lady