You may recognise Bertie from her other column, Pretty Girl Bullshit. Do not be alarmed – PGB still exists! You don't cancel magic. But now she's going to be writing a slightly more fashion-centric column for us called Beauty School Dropout. This – in case you can't read, and if you can't then how the hell did you get to this website, sterling effort, really – is that.
Call it lazy journalism if you must, but this week I seriously could not be bothered to do my column. Sure, getting dressed up and having someone take pictures of you and then putting it on here isn’t really like, work work, But still, when it’s between that and a day in bed eating almonds and old Maltesers, I’d take the snacks every time.
So this week I thought I’d do a Beauty School Dropout that’s legitimately aimed at genuine Beauty School Dropouts like me. Are you desperate to know what you’d look like with Kelly Clarkson’s hair but can’t drag yourself away from daytime TV? Completely obsessed with Chanel’s new mascara (?) but haven’t got enough money to pay the bus fare to Selfridges to pocket the sample? Help is at hand, LA-Z-Girls, in the form of the InStyle "Hollywood Make-over". All you need is a MacBook and loads of spare time. And gee, everyone has those things (at least everyone I want to be friends with).
Step 1: Start by uploading a picture of yourself looking like a total slob. Then, using little green dots that look like they’ve jumped out of an advert for cold sore treatment, let the computer know where your eyes finish and your lips begin. I know it’s kind of taxing but hang on in there, it only gets easier from here, I promise.
Step 2: Choose your cult celeb ‘do and then mould it onto your face using the luminous green cold sores. There are about 5000 haircuts to choose from, so I recommend using the ones from the opening page. Way easier. Here I am with the CLASSIC ALEXA ‘do…
…And the CONTROVERSIAL blonde RIHANNA ‘do. So fash!
Step 3: Decide on your favourite hairstyle (I went for Blake Lively) and play around with the colours. A word of advice: unless you want to look like Christina Aguilera circa "Dirrty" reincarnated on Second Life, you can just leave the colour alone. Also, more work. Boring. Don’t worry if you can’t decide on one, you can always go back and change it later on. Or do what I did and just open seven tabs all with different styles. Navigating between them almost makes you feel like you have a real job! Fun!
Step 4: This is the funnest bit, cos you get to trolley on loads of slap without even leaving your bed/needing a whole pack of baby wipes to get rid of it once it's stopped being funny. Don’t tell me you’ve never smeared your flatmates makeup all over your face when she was out as an "experiment" because I will know you’re lying. This is just a way less risky/offensive way of doing it. I decided to go for a freshening mauve lid and a natural lilac liner. Woooww, right? At this point, I sort of half-consciously decided to base my makeover on Courtney Love, which was a really, really good idea.
Step 5: And you’re done! You look so cute! #Toptip: don’t forget to make full use of the scales at the bottom of the screen, which allow you to increase the size/saturation of pretty much everything you apply to your face. Plastic surgery for EVERYONE! Doesn’t this feel like the future you guys!? I think this is what the future must look like.
Step 6 (optional): Invite your friends!
xoxo see you next week!
Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes
Read all the Beauty School Dropout columns here.