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LEGAL HIGHS Legal highs are for people who are either too scared to do real, illegal ones, or for people who have been up for so long that they will do anything to avoid the crushing arrival of sobriety. These things are stuffed with so...

LEGAL HIGHS

Legal highs are for people who are either too scared to do real, illegal ones, or for people who have been up for so long that they will do anything to avoid the crushing arrival of sobriety. These things are stuffed with so many scary chemicals they make thalidomide look like Sweet’N’Low.

P-MATE

Women have been urinating without standing up for millennia. It seems to have worked out OK for them, but no festival is complete without the fad of the hour. So the pee mate here allows girls to piss standing up. Although it is presumably of next to no use most of the time, at a festival where thousands of lazy men have pissed over every toilet seat in sight, it’s a welcome scientific breakthrough.

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SELF-INFLATING DOUBLE MATTRESS

Nothing can really make the brief disco naps you’re allowed at a festival comfortable, but any added cushioning is welcome. There’s also nothing worse than fucking on an uneven plastic sheet that allows even the tiniest solid objects to bust up your knees, back and whatever other part of you is in contact with terra firma. Put up with the pain of carrying this £25 of brilliance with you on the way there, though, then press the self-inflate button and hey presto!—the entire floor of your tent is a bouncy castle. If you are as lazy as us you can just leave it in your tent and accidentally forget about both on your way home.

SAMBUCA

The obvious association here may be 2-step nights in Croydon six years ago, but Sambuca has a magical trait that makes it equally as applicable to consumption in mass gatherings outdoors thanks to its handy pouring spout. It’s almost as if the stuff was made to be sloshed all over the faces of boys and girls, staining them with enough gooey ooze to excite a hentai fetishist. Sambuca is a party in a bottle that fucks up clothes forever.

MOUTHWASH

Often at these events a viscous film will form on your tongue, so fertile with chemicals that you’re able to cultivate a whole host of shrubbery. Obviously, running water is not a luxury that most can be bothered to stagger to, so brushing your teeth is pretty much out of the question. Instead, pack a large bottle of mouthwash so that at least your mouth has a chance of not developing its own strain of Ebola virus. Wash, spit and repeat.

FOLDING TOILET

Toilet arrangements are a tricky business. One has to strike a balance between looking like you went to the festival with the express purpose of shitting in public on a stealth potty, and looking like you would gladly cack your pants and let it peel off four days later. A small, folding toilet with disposable turdbags is the perfect halfway house. Though this may be pushing its potential powers, we guess it is just about conceivable that you could pull by having a great shitter in your tent.