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Vegan Meat Feast Pizza

I realized vegans are always super grumpy because they've been deprived the pleasures of junk food. So I made a big slab of vegan comfort food that won't leave them alone with a rumbling tummy while all their animal-eating pals are out stuffing their...

VEGAN MEAT FEAST PIZZA - THE RECIPE

I always assumed that vegans were all inherently miserable, self-righteous asswipes. But then I realized, maybe they're just super grumpy because they've been deprived the pleasures of junk food? So I decided to cobble together a Vegan (Fake) Meat Feast Pizza that won't leave them alone with a rumbling tummy while all their animal-eating pals are out stuffing their faces.

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Ingredients 1 x cup warm water
2 ½ x teaspoons active dry yeast
3 x cups all-purpose bread
some x seasoning for the dough
1 x pack vegan frankfurters
1 x pack vegan beanburgers
1 x pack of some other vegan meat product I didn't understand.
A LOT x seasoning
1 x pack of falafel (crumbled)
1 x tin chopped tomatoes
lots x hummus
lots x seeds Step 1.

Sprinkle the yeast into the warm water. It'll look like sea monkeys and smell like a yeast infection. This is normal. Leave it to settle for five minutes.

Step 2.

Dump all the flour in a bowl, make a well in the center, and tip in your yeasty slosh. Step 3.

Mix thoroughly until, um, dough like. Set to one side somewhere warm, and leave it to snuggle. Step 4.

Meanwhile, chop up then fry the fake meat with plenty of seasoning (like A LOT of salt) and some olive oil until vaguely acceptable looking. Put to one side.

Step 5.

Now you've left the dough to get all magically puffy. Punch it back into submission and flatten into a pizza shape. Step 6.

For the stuffed crust, sprinkle the crumbled falafel along the edge and roll carefully into a dough sleeping bag. Step 7.

Slop on some chopped tomatoes. Step 8.

And then some blobs of hummus.

Step 9.

Sprinkle with seeds and your now seasoned fake meat.

Step 10.

Bake in the oven until golden and edible looking.

That wasn't even that hard! A big slab of vegan comfort food that won't have your meat-eating friends gagging in horror.

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Bone-appetit!

JOANNA FUERTES-KNIGHT

@fuertesknight

Previously: Girl Eats Food - Drunken Jerk Chicken Patti

Really fucking hungry? Check out Joanna Fuertes-Knight's (totally free) online cookbook! It's got every Girl Eats Food recipe ever in it.