Like most people, I went through a pretty dark time when I graduated from college. I found myself unsure of who I was or what I wanted to do with myself. I even tried my hand at poetry. Luckily, I soon found myself employed and forgot about my misadventures in verse. They remained buried deep in my past until last night, when, rummaging through my desktop, I found the following poems. I decided to share them with you, as proof that ‘it gets better’.Death and Taxes
and Milf Jokes
:(Telling this cat that
we’re gonna stay up real late
and make YouTube videosAt a store in Soho
There are three guys here
each of whom might be James IhaGoing to the general store
because I’m out of generalsIf I wasn’t a straight white guy
I’d start a bar for black trannies
and call it “3/5 Of A Man”
(sorry about that one— I think it went too far)Catcher in the Rye 2011:
Holden wondering where the crust punks go
when Tompkins Square Park freezes overGoing to the corner store
because I’m out of cornersIt’s weird how so many women still dress
like Queen Latifah
in 1997Watching porn where it’s just one girl
wondering if this means I’m tweeEvery female employee at this Bloomingdale’s has a cold sore
Wondering what the manager looks likeThis guys says he wishes he was from the fifties
he likes hard shoes, Elvis
Would like to hear his thoughts re: segregationAssuming that cats would like Joanna Newsom
is probably sexist
but I can’t figure out whyFrowning,
in a Hawaiian shirtFriend just walked in the room
I’m pretending I wasn’t listening to Blondie
“Black Sabbath ended and I didn’t notice”
Wondering how long
I’m going to have to pretend to like MorrisseyEating a Philly Cheesesteak in the back of a library
wondering how things ever got this goodIn 2011,
just saw a guy in a Third Eye Blind shirtWishing I was everyone on St. Mark’s Place’s dad
so I could be like,
“Why are you dressed like that?”Wondering at what point it will seem like I have a bug problem
if I keep telling people my zits are bug bitesTalking to this Parsons art student
hoping I can keep Ryan McGinness and Ryan McGinley straight
going to say ‘Ryan McGuin-’ and then fake sneezeRealizing
it can’t all be cowabungas
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and Milf Jokes
:(Telling this cat that
we’re gonna stay up real late
and make YouTube videosAt a store in Soho
There are three guys here
each of whom might be James IhaGoing to the general store
because I’m out of generalsIf I wasn’t a straight white guy
I’d start a bar for black trannies
and call it “3/5 Of A Man”
(sorry about that one— I think it went too far)Catcher in the Rye 2011:
Holden wondering where the crust punks go
when Tompkins Square Park freezes overGoing to the corner store
because I’m out of cornersIt’s weird how so many women still dress
like Queen Latifah
in 1997Watching porn where it’s just one girl
wondering if this means I’m tweeEvery female employee at this Bloomingdale’s has a cold sore
Wondering what the manager looks likeThis guys says he wishes he was from the fifties
he likes hard shoes, Elvis
Would like to hear his thoughts re: segregationAssuming that cats would like Joanna Newsom
is probably sexist
but I can’t figure out whyFrowning,
in a Hawaiian shirtFriend just walked in the room
I’m pretending I wasn’t listening to Blondie
“Black Sabbath ended and I didn’t notice”

I’m going to have to pretend to like MorrisseyEating a Philly Cheesesteak in the back of a library
wondering how things ever got this goodIn 2011,
just saw a guy in a Third Eye Blind shirtWishing I was everyone on St. Mark’s Place’s dad
so I could be like,
“Why are you dressed like that?”Wondering at what point it will seem like I have a bug problem
if I keep telling people my zits are bug bitesTalking to this Parsons art student
hoping I can keep Ryan McGinness and Ryan McGinley straight
going to say ‘Ryan McGuin-’ and then fake sneezeRealizing
it can’t all be cowabungas
