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If I Could Write Poetry I Would

Like most people, I went through a pretty dark time when I graduated from college.
August 10, 2011, 1:46am

Like most people, I went through a pretty dark time when I graduated from college. I found myself unsure of who I was or what I wanted to do with myself. I even tried my hand at poetry. Luckily, I soon found myself employed and forgot about my misadventures in verse. They remained buried deep in my past until last night, when, rummaging through my desktop, I found the following poems. I decided to share them with you, as proof that ‘it gets better’.

Death and Taxes
and Milf Jokes
:(

Telling this cat that
we’re gonna stay up real late
and make YouTube videos

At a store in Soho
There are three guys here
each of whom might be James Iha

Going to the general store
because I’m out of generals

If I wasn’t a straight white guy
I’d start a bar for black trannies
and call it “3/5 Of A Man”
(sorry about that one— I think it went too far)

Catcher in the Rye 2011:
Holden wondering where the crust punks go
when Tompkins Square Park freezes over

Going to the corner store
because I’m out of corners

It’s weird how so many women still dress
like Queen Latifah
in 1997

Watching porn where it’s just one girl
wondering if this means I’m twee

Every female employee at this Bloomingdale’s has a cold sore
Wondering what the manager looks like

This guys says he wishes he was from the fifties
he likes hard shoes, Elvis
Would like to hear his thoughts re: segregation

Assuming that cats would like Joanna Newsom
is probably sexist
but I can’t figure out why

Frowning,
in a Hawaiian shirt

Friend just walked in the room
I’m pretending I wasn’t listening to Blondie
“Black Sabbath ended and I didn’t notice”

Wondering how long
I’m going to have to pretend to like Morrissey

Eating a Philly Cheesesteak in the back of a library
wondering how things ever got this good

In 2011,
just saw a guy in a Third Eye Blind shirt

Wishing I was everyone on St. Mark’s Place’s dad
so I could be like,
“Why are you dressed like that?”

Wondering at what point it will seem like I have a bug problem
if I keep telling people my zits are bug bites

Talking to this Parsons art student
hoping I can keep Ryan McGinness and Ryan McGinley straight
going to say ‘Ryan McGuin-’ and then fake sneeze

Realizing
it can’t all be cowabungas