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Vice Blog

OEDIPUS WOULD HAVE LOVED PUFFER JACKETS

Anyone who has worn a puffer jacket (or just seen one) will be fully aware of how awful they are. They make women look like pupae and turn men from Mr. Universe to Michelin Man with the pull of a zip. They represent wet weekends in Scunthorpe and men who have manual-labored themselves into the sort of retardation that renders them unfit to look after small children. They are dangerous to wear on Bonfire Night. Even the trendy ones are a minefield, but that's only because we're not French.

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To our Gallic cousins, the quilted jacket represents style and sophistication. It can communicate "J'aime faire du sport," and "Je suis chic" in the same nonchalant shrug. Popular with glamour nanas and street kids alike, they're inexplicably ubiquitous across the fashion conscious nation. For one forum user who calls himself cirevinyl [translation: shinyPVC], their sheer sexual allure was difficult to handle:

"To all those who like nylon padded jackets of all kinds, post your photos."

In the wake of cirevinyl's humble request have come more than 12,000 responses. Naturally you'd expect comments like "How I would like to see my cum running down their jackets…" from sexually articulate gentlemen such as TonyJizz. This is the internet, after all. What you wouldn't expect is straight up pidgin psychology, complete with sections from Freud's Wikipedia page copied and pasted with the gloopy tips of puffer jacket hard-ons.

As ever, all [sic]:

"I like all brightly coloured puffer jackets, but I especially like my mothers because I know that those have been worn in public by a woman, she has the scent of a woman, and sometimes walks around like that with her friend! So I know she will have already made out in her boyfriend's fast car and maybe sometimes without her jacket off."

"Since I was a kid, I love putting anorak very very bright at the beginning, I would wear those of my mother or her friends or my buddies, I pretended that I had cold! but growing up, I knew more so, it looked crooked, so I hid myself when I could to satisfy me! my premier buy millet which has suffered much in my hands" - both fil751

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"I loved getting naked then adopting my mothers super bright puffer jacket, I rubbed-off as I licked the anorak. I spunked into the hood, I would lick-up the spunk and then spit it on the floor! What a thing! and what a memorable time, I did that from the age of 11 until after 23 years, I stopped because I lived alone in my apartment!" - sylvie5580

We're not sure why incest and puffer jackets make for such an arousing combo. Why do people like sylvie5580, fil751, and TonyJizz feel the need to garland their fascination with Ghanaian body bags with grubby Oedipal tiaras? In reality, there's probably nothing as high-brow as theorized motherfucking going on here. Just wankers jerking off into tailored sleeping bags. There's no penis envy, no hyperactive sublimation. It's just thousands of bored middle-aged people who've chewed through so much porn that their quest for novelty has reduced them to cracking one off over pictures like this:

Or this:

Or this:

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