The Pros and Cons of Breastfeeding

Experts have debated the benefits of breastfeeding for decades, and while most agree that nursing is the healthiest feeding option for both the mother and the child, some still express concerns. Here are the strongest arguments for and against nursing your child:

PROS

- Breastfeeding decreases the risk of colic, dysentery, sudden infant death syndrome, ear infection, SARS… remember SARS? What was that???

- Breast milk is chockfull of nutrients, including riboflavin, niacon, and the rare, enigmatic Vitamin X.

- Breastfeeding in public is like sticking your middle finger right in a cop’s face. Occupy Wall Street! No blood for oil! Hack the planet!

- Nursing forms an inseparable bond between mother and child, which you’ll have to rely on when he goes out for cigarettes and never comes back.

- Stick with it long enough, and you’ll have yourself a pretty impressive mother-son .

- Nursing may decrease your likelihood of developing ovarian and breast cancer. However, it greatly increases the likelihood of having your nurple purpled.

- Newborn infants tend to feed three to four hours a day—this would be a good opportunity to finally check out Treme.

CONS

- Breastfeeding promotes healthy bone and organ growth, which you may regret when you one day have to defeat your child in battle.

- Breastfeeding denies stimulus to America’s floundering rubber nipple industry.

- More human breast milk for babies equals less human breast milk for everyone else.

- Health-conscious nursing mothers cannot produce soy breast milk, even if they eat a lot of soy.

- Every time you breastfeed your child, a dairy farmer slaughters one of his cows just to prove a point.

- Stuffing your engorged tit into a baby’s mouth is probably a sin, right?

- Think about it: it’s sort of like a PERSON IS EATING YOU.