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Han Don't Care: It's the Giggs Guide to Star Wars!

Who is the worst character? What is the best fight scene? Why does everyone hate Jar Jar? Giggs answers it all.
December 9, 2015, 1:12pm

If you care about Star Wars, then these are testing times. Within the next couple of weeks The Force Awakens will have been released, and we will know for sure whether the franchise is likely to continue in glorious fashion, or sink further in the Dagobah swamp of crummy CGI and questionable sidekicks. The anticipation is strong with us right now, put it that way. Yet for those who aren’t into Star Wars, you’re probably thinking, well what’s all the fuss about? How can you care this much about "the one about the fucking space hairdresser and the cowboy?” Well, if that is your attitude, perhaps you’d benefit from a crash course in the saga – an opportunity to join the galactic dots before the new film is released.


In order to begin your training, you need a master, a wise being well versed in everything “far far away”. Harrison Ford? George Lucas? JJ Abrams? Nah mate. You need road rap superstar and Peckham mercenary Giggs: a part time rapper and full time self-declared Star Wars superfan. "I used to watch 4, 5 and 6 as a kid back to back, you know when they always used to come on Christmas, every year?" Giggs tells me. "But I weren’t really a major fan – when I was a kid I used to watch the Ewoks, you remember them Ewoks? You get me? I’d always watch Star Wars for the Ewoks. Do you remember they made a cartoon and that? About the Ewoks? But then in 2003, when I was in prison, that’s when I started getting proper into it, and was like ‘this is more serious than I thought’."

So, since he spends a large portion of his time on Twitter begging the franchise to let him make some music for the films, we decided to hit up the man himself to talk everything from Yoda to Younglings. Hold on to your banthas, it’s the Giggs guide to Star Wars.


Giggs: You can’t really get one without the other, and I don’t really rate them in any order, but I think 1, 2 and 3 are hard, bruv. Ain’t even any serious Jedi action in 4, 5 and 6. Know what I mean?


Giggs: Anakin Skywalker… He’s a top man bruv. He runs the game, even before he turns bad. It’s like the whole galaxy knew about him. Even if he fucked into another Sith, they’d be like ‘Oh, you’re younger than I heard’. They heard about him, right! His name’s ringing, bruv! It’s like when man was setting up in the streets and that. I used to be a Peckham boy, we used to have ghetto boys or maybe like Brixton. And sometimes we’d hear about the greasiest ones but we’d never have seen them before. And that’s how our man’s name was ringing, Anakin’s. You know what I’m saying?


Giggs: Well I wouldn’t get rid of anyone, yeah. But I’ll tell you who’s a disappointment. Man like Luke Skywalker. He’s a disgrace man. To Anakin Skywalker, what a joke man, you get me?
Noisey: What’s your beef with him?
Giggs: He’s shit bruv! Innit! What does he do? He don’t do nothing in 4, 5 or 6! He shoots a gun and all that, he’s wack bro. I get it, there’s no Jedis around – actually no, he got trained by Obi Wan and Yoda… personally! He’s shit man, he’s wack. Dirty man.


Giggs: What am I gonna say?
Noisey: I reckon you’re either gonna say Darth Maul and Qui Gon Jinn against Obi Wan or you’re gonna say Obi Wan against Anakin.
Giggs: Nah bruv man. I’m saying Obi Wan and Anakin versus fucking Count.
Noisey: Oh shit yeah, Dooku! That’s a leftfield choice.
Giggs: Yeah, remember my man comes in and that, Yoda. And he starts fucking flicking all over the place. That’s gotta be the coldest.


Giggs: I don’t really have no merchandise, but I got a Jedi robe the other day to go and watch the brand new film in. All masked up, all hooded up. I bought the whole back row of seats. I’ve handpicked my guests who are coming. There’s some proper Star Wars mandem. One of my other bredrins. I’ve still got 2 seats left, that’s how serious I’m taking it. It’s gonna be a sick experience.


Giggs: That’s a challenge man. D2: he’s a veteran man. There from day 1 and he’s always saving the day! From day 1 to now. Trust me. But I fuck with C3PO though.
Noisey: Do you not think he’d get a bit annoying to hang out with after a while? C3PO?
Giggs: I think he’d give me bare joke.
Noisey: What’s your opinion of Jar Jar Binks?
Giggs: I knew you were gonna ask this! Everyone hates him bruv! Why? I don’t really… I don’t know man? I don’t find him offensive, I think he’s sweet bruv. I don’t fuck with him but I don’t hate him. When people are like ‘they should fucking chill off his character’ I’m think ‘Why? What’s he done bruv?’


Giggs: Nah man, it ain’t made me cry. But I was hurt when my man turned to the dark side man. I can’t lie man. I was crushed. Seriously bruv, you get me? And you know he’s gonna die as well. That’s the end of fucking Anakin Skywalker, bruv. That one’s always emotional when he starts chilling on the younglings and he’s on a mad one bro. I’m not gonna lie though, my man was definitely 100% badman because it didn’t take much to turn him over to the dark side. One minute he was with man and then five minutes later he’s dark side, killing kids and that. Even in number 2, he says, “I slaughtered them, every one of them,” when he’s talking about the sand people. He’s a nutter bruv! [Giggs does an Anakin impression] “Every single one of them, I killed them!”


Giggs: You know what, I don’t even know what I hope bruv. I don’t know what to expect, what I hope, nothing bruv. Only thing I do hope is to see if we could get Anakin back somehow. You know what I mean? But apart from that, a bit of Yoda. I don’t know, I don’t know what to expect from it at all. I kind of like it that way as well. I know the first time I watch it, I’ll probably think ‘I didn’t like that’ because I didn’t know what to expect, know what I mean? I’m nervous bruv. It has to be hard though. There’s too much hard shit that’s happened since. Hobbits and Harry Potters and fucking…. There’s been too much. Even the last Hobbit. The last Hobbit was too mad bro.

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