Wrestlemania Theme Songs, Reviewed

This Sunday, the biggest event in Sports Entertainment, Wrestlemania 30 takes place at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans. Around eight matches (card always pending to change because WRESTLING IS NOT FIXED FUCK YOU DAD) will take place over four hours, finishing storylines and creating legends (plus Batista will try to wrestle without dying of exhaustion). It’s going to be great. With that in mind, for the casual or even the “forced into it by my roommate/significant other” fan, you need something to attach yourself to in order to make it through the night. What better way to do that than to get primed and ready for the wild variety of theme songs and entrances that will be gracing your TV/computer/illegal stream that won’t stop buffering? With that in mind, I took several hours and broke down some of the best and most important entrance songs of wrestlers participating in the 30th edition of the Showcase of the Immortals.

Quick note about the scoring system: every song has been scored out of 5 Stone Cold Stunners, named after, of course, Stone Cold Steve Austin. The songs themselves were the main source of scoring, but bonus points were added or subtracted where appropriate given context, entrance sequences, or whatever else popped into my head.

Hulk Hogan - “Real American”

Who is this?

You know who this is, jack, and Hulkamania is about to run wild on Wrestlemania 30, brother. He came back to WWE recently after time spent in competitor TNA and banging other dude’s wives. Now he’s hosting the BIGGEST WRESTLEMANIA EVER.

Ok, what about his song?

If you don’t know at least the first verse/chorus of “Real American”, you probably shouldn’t be in this country. Or something. It’s cheesy 80s jingoism at its best, and it still makes grown men freak the hell out.

5.0 Stunners

Anything else?

Slight minus points for not being the best entrance song of Hulk Hogan’s career. The honor goes to the

nWo theme

.

-0.5 Stunners

Rating:

4.5 Stunners

The Real Americans - “Patriot”

Who is this?

From the Real American to the team of the Real Americans, featuring the ridiculously named Jack Swagger and the ridiculously talented (and also Swiss, don’t ask) Antonio Cesaro. Their manager is a Tea Party approximation with a

wicked mustache

by the name of Zeb Colter.

Ok, what about their song?

This is a military hype song at its most crude. All drums and horns, it’s ridiculous yet also sort of catchy and exciting. It also fits their flag-waving entrance and generally over-the-top mannerisms.

3.5 Stunners

Anything else?

Really wish people would stop chanting WE THE PEOPLE along with these guys; they’re supposed to be BAD GUYS and the meaning behind that chant is xenophobic. Oh well.

Rating:

3.5 Stunners

AJ Lee - “Light It Up”

Who is this?

AJ is the longest-reigning Divas champion of all time, having held the title for almost a year. She skips her way to the ring as a play on the “crazy woman” stereotype that WWE is so fond of.

Ok, what about her song?

Holy fuck, this might be the worst song ever made. It’s the sonic equivalent of when a dog shits out a bunch of electric-green Bubble Tape, and it doesn’t even fit her character: the lyrics revolve around a passionate hookup or something, but really the verses are just there to get to the hilariously irritating chorus. LET’S LIGHT IT UP!

0.5 Stunners

Anything else?

Nothing really, this song is pretty unbearable. I guess she gets bonus points for it being one of the most obnoxious ways to interrupt another wrestler while they’re talking.

Rating:

0.5 Stunners

Big Show - “Crank It Up”

Who is this?

WEEEEEELLLLLL, IT’S THE BIG SHOW.

Ok, what about his song?

Seriously, it’s the Big Show. That’s what this song will inform you of. Again. And again. Sometimes he’s the Big BAD Show, but generally the show does not get any less big. The slow-plodding guitar chords and crashing drums fit the slowest superstar in the entire WWE.

2 Stunners

Anything else?

I do have to give points for the intro (see above), because the WELLLLLL part works well as an interruptor.

+0.5 Stunners

Rating:

2.5 Stunners

Fandango - “ChaChaLaLa”

Who is this?

Fandango and his dancing partner Summer Rae are a comedy duo who aren’t all that funny but are, in their own ways, fantastic performers inside the ring and out. They’re also both not-great dancers, which is bad, since their entire gimmick is dancing.

Ok, what about his song?

Daa da! Da da dada da da da da DA. Daaaaa dada da da.

4.5 Stunners

Anything else?

One of the catchiest songs in the history of WWE gets marked down because they realized this and started shoving it in people’s faces.

-1 Stunner

Rating:

3.5 Stunners

The Shield - “Special Op”

Who is this?

The Shield is a three-man faction that debuted in late 2012 and has generally been the best part of WWE since. To use the storyline descriptions, Roman Reigns is the powerhouse, Seth Rollins is the architect, and Dean Ambrose is the “lunatic fringe.” To put this in terms of the Wu-Tang Clan, Roman is Ghostface, Seth is RZA, and Dean Ambrose is ODB.

Ok, what about his song?

A heavy rock song, with even heavier guitars and drums as performed by an evil marching band. It’s perfect for a SWAT team gone rogue or whatever the Shield’s actual gimmick is (Hounds of Justice, my ass), and sets the mood for their kevlar-assisted shenanigans.

3.5 Stunners

Anything else?

SIERRA HOTEL INDIA ECHO LIMA DELTA, SHIELD.

+1 Stunner

Rating:

4.5 Stunners

HALFTIME BREAK!

CM Punk - “Cult of Personality”

Who is this?

CM Punk is the current unananswered question of the WWE. He walked out on his contract in January due to some combination of exhaustion, injury, and general dissatisfaction with his position in the company. He hasn’t been seen since. Fans miss him and chant C-M-PUNK! at every opportunity.

Ok, what about his song?

While I think I prefer his old

screamo-metal theme

, you can’t deny the fact that Living Colour’s “Cult of Personality” is a classic and that it works perfectly with Punk’s BEST IN THE WORLD gimmick.

4 Stunners

Anything else?

The STATIC STATIC at the start is the standard-bearer in contemporary WWE (if he hasn’t actually quit) interruptors.

+0.5 Stunners

Rating:

4.5 Stunners

John Cena - “My Time Is Now”

Who is this?

You know who John Cena is, probably. He’s an unstoppable human action figure who wins so often that the CENA WINS LOL meme is actually over-used at this point.

Ok, what about his song?

CENA RAPS LOL. But really, he raps. It’s bad. It’s really bad, actually. It does have some good cues for his entrance but as a whole, a terrible white-boy-sounding-tough rap song that relies on its horns to do most of the work.

1.5 Stunners

Anything else?

Oh, but those horns can be used gloriously, as seen in this

recent prank call

. Come for the horns, stay for the BRRRRRRRAPADOOOO.

+1 Stunner

Rating:

2.5 Stunners

Bray Wyatt - “Live In Fear”

Who is this?

Bray Wyatt

Ok, what about his song?

The bass is perfect “crawl through the bayou late at night” music, and the guitar riffs don’t break that spell. The clapping that has now been picked up by every live crowd is a nice touch, even if it gets messed up all the time and people are just clapping vaguely in rhythm.

4 Stunners

Anything else?

The whole entrance sequence, beginning with “We’re here.”, is the coolest thing going in WWE right now and honestly it’s not that close.

+1 Stunner

Rating:

5 Stunners

Brock Lesnar - “Next Big Thing”

Who is this?

Brock Lesnar, he of former NFL failure and UFC title holder, is the Beast Incarnate, a really big dude who is the winner for the 12th year running of “WWE Superstar Most Likely To Accidentally Knock Someone Out For Real.”

Ok, what about his song?

The dizzying noise at the start is supposed to sound like a tornado, and while that’s a description by someone who has never heard a tornado in their lives, it works. The song itself is a chord-fest, with weird DJ scratching noises that may have worked back in 2002 when he debuted but now sound goofy as shit.

3.5 Stunners

Anything else?

Brock Lesnar is a Paul Heyman Guy, and Paul Heyman is the best.

+0.5 Stunners

Rating:

4 Stunners

The Undertaker - “Rest. In. Peace”

Who is this?

You know who the Undertaker is.

Ok, what about his song?

When you think of the genre “Graveyard Music” (which is a normal thing people do, right?), this is what you think of.

4 Stunners

Anything else?

GONG. GONG. GONG.

+1 Stunners

Rating:

5 Stunners

Batista - “I Walk Alone”

Who is this?

Batista is Dave Bautista, and he is back to kick ass and rip his pants. The Animal is also the least important cast member in that Guardians of the Galaxy movie. Yes, less important than the raccoon. Also, he got booed so much that people started calling him Bootista.

Ok, what about his song?

I WALK ALONE INSIDE THIS PIT OF DANGER, as sung by Saliva. Do you really need more information?

Anything else?

Like Batista on his way to the ring, I got winded writing this blurb.

Rating:

0 Stunners

Randy Orton - “Voices”

Who is this?

The current WWE World Heavyweight Champion used to be depicted as a psychotic brawler who hears voices in his head (if you couldn’t tell by the FIRST FUCKING LYRICS OF HIS SONG), but now is sort of a troll who has become one of the best parts of the show.

Ok, what about his song?

Again, he HEARS VOICES IN HIS HEAD, and apparently they talk to him and they understand. It’s a plodding, terrible song that works because Randy Orton’s entrance is both plodding and terrible.

Anything else?

Randy never wears pants and

shitted in a bag one time

. This has no bearing on the song, I just wanted to say it.

Rating:

2 Stunners

Daniel Bryan - “Flight Of The Valkyries”

Who is this?

The current “face of the WWE” and mainstream crossover star (sort of), Daniel Bryan is a former independent darling who has become the biggest fan favorite since the days of Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock. He also has a fantastic beard.

Ok, what about his song?

Given all that, shouldn’t he have a better song that he didn’t rip off from the current women’s trainer for WWE? It’s just Flight of the Valkyries, Guitar Hero Edition, and while that’s fine and dandy, it’s definitely no gem.

2.5 Stunners

Anything else?

Of course, you can barely hear the song when he comes in because the entire arena starts doing the YES! YES! YES! chant and drowns it out. So, what does it matter, really?

+1 Stunner

Rating:

3.5 Stunners

Triple H - “King of Kings”

Who is this?

Triple H is the current Big Bad Boss of WWE, and its real-life Chief Operating Officer. He used to be the “top guy under the top guys” until all those retired and Triple H took it on himself to rewrite history to make himself a legend. Now, he’s finally owning up to what makes him a great character, which is being a complete and total asshole along with his wife, Stephanie McMahon.

Ok, what about his song?

Triple H is interesting because he uses theme songs very strategically: when he’s a fan favorite, he goes with “The Game”, but when he’s supposed to be hated (like right now), he goes with “King of Kings.” Both are performed by Motörhead and both are generally perfect wrestling songs, but “King of Kings” gets the bump because of how Lemmy says “ON YOUR KNEES, DOG!!!” at the start.

4.5 Stunners

Anything else?

At Wrestlemania 27, Hunter came out to “For Whom The Bell Tolls”, which was great, except you can’t find the video anywhere due to licensing issues.

+1 Stunner but then -1 Stunner

Rating:

4.5 Stunners

And finally, even though he’s not involved in Wrestlemania 30, we couldn’t end this without good ol’ Steve Austin.

Stone Cold Steve Austin - “I Won’t Do What You Tell Me”

Who is this?

Stone Cold Steve Motherfucking Austin, the man who created millions of wrestling fans,

gave Mike Tyson the finger

, and

drove a beer truck up to the ring just to fuck with people

. This is the song that stands as one of the most iconic in wrestling history.

Ok, what about his song?

Fun fact: the song itself was created when Stone Cold went to WWE music genius Jim Johnston and told him he wanted something that sounded like “Bulls On Parade.”

4 Stunners

Anything else?

The glass shatter. It’s the best entrance hit of all time, and that’s the bottom line, cuz the writer of this article said so.

+2 Stunners

Rating:

6 Stunners, BAH GAWD STONE COLD HAS BROKEN THIS RATINGS SYSTEM IN HALF.

Luis Paez-Pumar loves wrestling like a fat kid loves cake. He's on Twitter - @paezpumarL