The Couch Potato's Guide to Music Festivals

Photo by Joshua Mellin

So you want to go to Bonnaroo… but you don’t actually want to go to Bonnaroo? The lineup looks dece, but the powerhouse funk produced by hippie sweat, backwoods mystery meat sandwiches and dirt weed frying together in the sweltering Tennessee sun offends your spirit. Porta-potties are unacceptable, and jiggy food and water expenses are out of the question.

Well it just so happens we’re in the future. Cameras litter the landscape, and they are always on. Curious what some random animal is up to in some breathtaking but remote locale? We got you. Wondering what asinine activity some Twitter tool is engaging in right now? He’s probably Periscoping it. Bonnaroo’s no different. Fuck experiencing things. Stream them shits. Fuck real tours. Try couch tours.

Now, like the costumed beardos and beardettes who actually hoof it out to these things, you should make preparations for your couchside festival experience. First thing’s first. If your apartment lacks central air or a network of fans or at least appropriate afternoon and evening shade, consider aborting the mission. If you’re sweating harder than the kid twirl dancing to My Morning Jacket you’re not getting over on anyone.

Boss up early on eats too. If the War on Drugs busts out a new song but you’re on the street prowling for grub because you didn’t think ahead to dinnertime, what even was the point of the weekend? Stock up and snack lightly. You don’t want your stomach doing the Tijuana twist during the Alabama Shakes. A sandwich and some chips? A can of something noodley? Reasonable. General Tso’s lunch special? Handle with care.

Bathroom trips (or leg stretches or cigarette breaks or bong rips) are inevitable and all you can do is make them as smooth and well-timed as possible. Get ahold of the festival’s stream schedule and look for holes. If you’re really ‘bout this lifestyle you just take your laptop to the shitter with you, but for those who can’t handle that level of dedication, just wait for someone you confirmed don’t like to hit the stage. Full Hozier set featuring songs that aren’t that one about the church? Blast off. Twenty One Pilots and AWOLNATION back to back? Careful. Brandi Carlisle’s set is playing at the same time on a different stream channel, and it’ll be worth a glance.

Bed? Check. Snacks? Check. Phone? Check. Strand of Oaks replay? Check.

Good timing is crucial if you’re ‘Rooing from home, but really, the most important component of the home festival viewing experience is WiFi. Do not fuck this up. If your internet is out, you might actually have to power down and go outside. Perish the thought. Make sure your internet is running smoothly. If your roommate’s downloading the Mumford & Sons discography, tell em to fuck right off. It’s 2015; no one should have to stream anything below 480p again. Piracy funds terrorism anyhow.

With your WiFi game on lock, tweet relevant dispatches about the performances you’re streaming to maintain the appearance of being up on things, or possibly even at said things. Protip: it’s lame to keep switching browser tabs every time something tweetworthy happens. Tweet (or Facebook if you’re stuck in 2010) from your phone while you watch on your computer for optimum uninterrupted viewing.

For extra credit (retweets, faves, likes, reblogs, Ellos, whatever gets you off), screenshot funny happenings and post with a sassy take that shows you’re cutting edge enough to not only be into whatever is playing, but kinda over it already too. What’s the point in doing a thing if you can’t amass any social media cachet for being seen dismissing it? I’ll wait.

Craig Jenkins wrote this without any pants. Follow him on Twitter.