FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Bootymath's Guide to Better Living: How to Manage Stress

It's 2016, and life isn’t getting any easier. Let Bootymath help you survive the madness.

Images by Bootymath

Welcome to Bootymath's Guide to Better Living, a new column exploring the conundrums of modern life.

Listen up, butt havers. It's 2016, and life isn’t getting any easier. There’s a cat that takes selfies. Your phone can tell you how hard to wipe your ass by listening to you poop. World War 3 will probably have in-app purchases. One day you're managing your pet snake's Instagram, and the next you lose your job because your sneeze sounded like the n-word. The next president might be Donald Trump or a piece of bread named Allison. I have no fucking clue anymore.

Advertisement

Whether you like it or not, we're full swing in the age of information’s mosh pit, and nothing is safe from change, not even Keyshia Cole's tooth gap. We're becoming so connected that sharing pain or triumph is as easy as sharing a bathroom with your mom's new boyfriend Leonard. All of these pressures, combined with our natural tendencies towards stress and anxiety, can cause even the most composed citizen to slam their hands on the ground like a gorilla and finger blast their eyeballs in public.

To help you avoid the screeching rush toward madness, I've composed some tips on managing stress in the digital age. Sit back, sit back even further, fall out of your chair, and just lie on the carpet.

If someone pisses you off, exercise in their territory

Whether in the workplace or your local pub, establishing fitness in someone's personal space relieves tension and confirms how close you are to a violent existential outburst. This trick has actually ignited some of my most cherished and erotic friendships.

Don't watch the news: Listen to it with your eyes closed and pretend all the voices are coming from one man in a sinking boat

This one works even better if you listen to Pacific by Haruomi Hosono and Friends:

Scream with your mouth closed

Super effective and can be done anywhere. I once did this because a vet bill was too high and left with a free cat.

Listen to "Touch Me" by Cathy Dennis

Look out stress, there's a new sheriff in town. Her name is Cathy Dennis, and she's gonna kick your lower body off.

Advertisement

If you're stuck in traffic, don't freak out. Get out and run like an extra from The Day After Tomorrow

You can go back to your car when you're tired, but hopefully you sold it well enough to make a few other people run. Keep those fuckers on their toes. When you get back to your car listen to "Skinny Niggas Runnin Shit" by Soulja Boy.

Give your genitals a vigorous round of applause

I mean get really close, too. And clap hard. Your meat makers respond positively to the vibration, which will increase your overall attitude.

Watch Hitch and drink every time Will Smith is black

This works.

There’s a good chance you'll see someone get gunned down in front of you.

Don't panic. Just sit with your legs crossed, yoga style, with a phone in either hand so you have two angles of the cop who did it.

Lose a tab of acid in something you will definitely eat in the future

Nothing enriches the human experience like being thrown ass first into a psychedelic trip that you didn't see coming. You ate leftover pasta for breakfast. Now you're at work and Stacy's head looks like a cactus made of light. Handle it babe.

Design something utterly useless

A website that's just GIFs from A Goofy Movie. A toilet with a captain's wheel in front. An app that calls you a bitch and immediately closes itself. Just have fun and stop panicking.

Love,
Math

Bootymath is the internet's last remaining guru. Follow him on Twitter.