After ten long, long weeks, The Voice has finally shed its excess contestant weight and emerged, slim, single and ready to mingle with twelve finalists.
Now the show’s frankly baffling format will even out and we’ll face the uphill slog of the live shows – ten or so weeks of ‘kooky’ acoustic covers, ill-fitting stage outfits from very.com and voting decisions that expose the general public as slightly racist Keane fans who think musical talent equates to being able to perform “Royals” in the style of Jane McDonald having a hysterectomy.
So, in order to save you the hassle of actually watching the program over the coming weeks, we’re giving you a completely accurate, factually correct round up of what’s definitely 100% going to occur during the remaining weeks of The Voice. Trust us, Mystic Meg ain’t got nothing on this shit.
Live shows – Week One
Correctly realizing that anyone with half a brain will half-heartedly watch the first show, cotton on to just how long is left of the series and then not bother watching again until the final, The Voice’s producers decide to blow the entire budget on the opening week. Kylie wears a remake of her "Spinning Around" gold shorts, but made of actual solid gold; Tom Jones attempts to maintain his aging lothario reputation by buying the entire chain of Stringfellows live on air with the show’s credit card and will.i.am appears via a live satellite link up direct from space. The show’s audience, meanwhile, are all given £300 each in cash to cheer enthusiastically and at least try and look like they’re enjoying themselves.
Live shows – Week Two
With no cash left, the show’s bosses decide to do a ‘stripped back’ theme in order to make the fact that they don’t have any dancers, stage props, good outfits or guest stars seem intentional. Someone performs a heartfelt, acoustic cover of "Blurred Lines", which the judges unanimously dub as a moving, innovative take on the song that really brought out its hidden depth. Another contestant performs a stripped back cover of already stripped back track "Songbird" by Eva Cassidy, which becomes so stripped back it’s just silence with the occasional hiss of a warm fart. The crowd goes wild.
Live shows – Week Three
Sensing the need for something a little more upbeat to reel in the pre-Yates Saturday night crowd, the theme for this week’s show is ‘lads’. Ricky From The Kaiser Chiefs is contractually obliged to do that “wwooooooooaaahhhh” thing that he does in every single Kaiser Chiefs song at least once every ten minutes and each contestant has to find a way of including a leery comment about Kylie’s arse in his or her pre-performance VT. A 16-year-old girl is forced into a version of “Vindaloo” by Fat Les, but the highlight of the night is transformation of one of Kylie’s young boys doing a rousing take on “Two World Wars and One World Cup. Doodah. Doodah”.
Live shows – Week Four
By this point the ratings have dipped so low that there aren’t even enough people watching The Voice to fill the studio audience. In a desperate attempt to win people back, the show’s producers call on the nations favourite habit of binge drinking to try and rescue the situation. Every house in Britain is issued with a bingo card and a bottle of white sprits, with the instructions to do a shot whenever the following phrases are said: “You really made it your own”; “There can only be one winner”; “You’re the whole package”; “I’ve worked with [insert name of famous person]”; “This show is all about the voice” and “please, we beg you, just keep watching.” There is national uproar the following day when news emerges that a record number of people were hospitalized the night before due to alcohol-related injuries.
Live shows – Week Five
Just when you thought the format had become that of a normal, functioning singing competition, The Voice decides to throw a curveball and reintroduce all the contestants eliminated in the first round for a an episode they dub ‘the lightning round’. In the lightning round, each contestant gets the opportunity to sing for precisely two and a half seconds before the judges make an instant decision whether to keep them or whether they leave the show. Of the 240 contestants that participate in the lightning round, only four can go through to the semi-final. None of the winning competitors are the ones that were in the original final, meaning that the surviving quartet are all completely unknown.
With only one remaining chance to impress the general public before the final, the judges have pulled out all the stops for their acts, drawing on their own life experiences and writing the contestants a set of entirely new songs. Tom’s is a funky little number called "Get Up (Get On Down)", which discusses senior erectile dysfunction. Kylie pens a slightly questionable number predominantly using Autotune and the first pre-programmed track you get on a Casio keyboard called "Somebody Usually Does This For Me". Ricky writes a heartfelt ballad about his hefty weight gain and subsequent loss simply entitled "Pies" (there is still a “wwwooooaaahhhh” in it), and will.i.am writes a 19-minute series of blips and beeps, interspersed with a really mind-numbingly shit chorus that can only be performed via a special app.
After a one-off, joint performance from the judges, who all combine forces for a run through of "My Humps", Emma Willis and that one from JLS emerge with an envelope containing the name of the winner. There’s a tense silence as Willis rips the envelope into tiny pieces, declaring that, in fact, there are no winners in this situation and that we should all probably just stop with the time-consuming middle bit of pretending any of these losers are going to be successful and jump straight to the point where everyone’s back doing their 9-5 at Percy Ingle. The following day it is announced that The Voice has been renewed again for 23 more seasons.
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