Every so often, some person—wait, let me start over…
Every so often, some total dick will start going on about how The Beatles weren’t that good or were overrated or whatever other contrarian bullshit he wants to say about the band to get a rise out of people. And all I can say is: Shut up. Shut your stupid, idiot mouth, you dumb idiot.
I get what you’re doing. Really, I do. You’re trying to shit on people’s musical tastes to either appear more well-versed in music than them or you just want to see the shocked look on people’s faces as you besmirch their favorite band. And listen, I don’t blame you for either. They’re both fun activities that I partake in on the reg. If you name me a band you like, I will find a hundred different ways to judge you on your taste. If the band happens to feature a white guy with dreads, make it three hundred. But The Beatles, dude? The fucking Beatles? You are really scraping the barrel if you are knocking people for liking The Beatles, you moron.
Really, I don’t want to hear your half-cocked, grasping-at-straws theories about how The Beatles weren’t even talented musicians or how they stole their sound from other bands or how John was the only talented one. What I want you to do is shut your stupid-ass face, you stupid assface.
I’m not even defending The Beatles, per se. They’re not my favorite band or anything. But they’re…they are…what’s the word I’m looking for here? Oh right. THEY’RE THE FUCKING BEATLES, the musical foundation on which just about everything you listen to was probably built. Does that even need to be said? Being a music fan who shits on The Beatles is like standing in the comfort of your warm house and being like, “Yeah, wood is way overrated, dude. When you think about it, wood’s not really that great.” Just take your mouth and shut it up, you fucking dummy.
It’s hard to tell through that stupid, shit-eating grin, but are you trying to be funny or do you genuinely not like The Beatles? Because I’ll bet if we sat you down in a room and started playing “All You Need Is Love” or “When I’m Sixty-Four,” you’d probably start crying and piss your stupid pants from pretending not to have all the emotions in the world. If we played “Here Comes the Sun” when you’re having a bad day, chances are 10,000% that you’d outright shit yourself as a result of the overwhelming melange of joyful optimism and unbridled awe, you pants-pissing pants-pisser.
If you need other ways to torment people that make you come off as less of a pretentious asshole than shitting on The Beatles, here are some activities to keep you busy…
Inform small children there’s no Santa Claus.
Go to the Holocaust Museum and tell patrons that Hitler had some pretty good ideas.
Stand outside the window at Curves eating a McRib.
Guys: Tell a woman that childbirth isn’t really a big deal.
Ladies: Tell a guy that getting kicked in the junk isn’t all that painful.
Go to the Million Man March and say Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech ran a little long.
For Christ’s sake, the band has sold more albums and has had more number one hits than any band ever. They are the bestselling band in the history of fucking music. This is the one band we as a society should all be able to unanimously agree on as a model for… Wait, no. NO. This is exactly what you want. This is the game you want me to play. You want me to get all riled up and start defending The Beatles. Well I’m not gonna give you the satisfaction.
Instead, I’m gonna go the higher route and take a page from Mr. Lennon when I say: Love is all you need. And go fuck yourself, idiot.
Dan Ozzi is the contributing editor of Noisey and would like you to shut your mouth now. Follow him on Twitter - @danozzi