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Music

A Mysterious Celebrity Spent $250,000 to Request One Song

We get to the bottom of the mystery that's shaking the EDM world to it's core.

According to reputable investigative watchdog edmtunes.com, an "unnamed celebrity" paid $250,000 to request a single song at a Las Vegas nightclub last week. Ed Shapiro, the, uh, "most active transactional lawyer for superstar DJs on the strip," states that the club's DJ recieved a flash drive with a single song from a promoter, who told him, “I would never ask you this, but we have a gentleman who has got a table with a fairly large entourage with him. If you spin this one song… he will buy a $250,000 bottle of champagne.” Shapiro wouldn't divulge any further information, leaving the EDM world struggling for answers. I mean, with those stacks dude could have booked Tiesto. He could have acquired 51 hovercrafts, 83 Shetland ponies, or 641.02 tons of steel. He could have copped this rug AND this rollercoaster. Instead, he chose spoiled grape juice and few minutes of music. Here are my best guesses as to the identity of this mysterious celebrity and their lavish request:

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Rob Schneider—"THE BAD TOUCH" - BLOODHOUND GANG

On a graph of American men whose x-axis is wealth and y-axis is the extent to which they love The Bloodhound Gang, one man must fall farthest in the upper-right-hand corner. That man is Rob Schneider.

Rob Schneider—"HURT" - Young Lean Doer

On the other hand, homeboy's very sincere regarding the link between mandatory vaccinations and autism—perhaps the uphill battle he's facing on this controversial issue has turned him into a #sadboy.

Kevin Costner—"TATTOOS ON HER ASS" - MAX B

The star of Waterworld is obviously down with Wavy Crockett.

Jane Goodall—"RAINFOREST NOISES"

Don't front like you've never felt overwhelming nostalgia for old friends in the club.

Rupert Murdoch—"4'33" - JOHN CAGE

As a media emperor taking solace from a brutal divorce in a VIP room full of strippers, what other choice do you have when you get a critical business call?

Amanda Bynes—"PALM TREE CORPSE" - PRURIENT

Nothing would really surprise me at this point.