Face it, You Won't Get It Together to See More Than Four Bands at Glastonbury, So Who Should They Be?

The Glastonbury line-up was announced last night but you might have missed it because it was the first warm day of the year and you were probably at the pub drinking a half-pint of cider black and checking out people’s ankles. Unlike previous years where there’s been a smattering of outstanding stuff among a lot of acts made famous by Simon Mayo, this year’s line-up is probably the strongest it's been this decade. About 80% of the bookings this year are pretty on point.

That’s actually quite annoying, because between eight-hour comedowns where you can’t make your mouth do what your brain is telling it, healing fields workshops on how align your Shakiras, sneaking into to some exclusive area with a passed-back wristband only to find it’s a plastic trestle table with some empty Becks on it, trudging back across site for what you heard was a Blur secret show but is actually just a Dave Rowntree talk on sustainable housing on the green fields and eating some vegan churros, there’s only really time to watch about four bands.

But which four bands should they be? Let’s work it out together.

KANYE WEST - Where will he go next after bringing out all of London’s grime scene for an intimate show at Koko? I’m picturing the heroes of new rave for a night . Imagine Niyi and Bip Ling dropping extra verses on “All Of The Lights”. Imagine the tender confessions of “Hey Mama” reimagined by Shitdisco. This cannot be missed.

SPECIAL GUESTS - Imagine the unimaginable ;)

LIONEL RICHIE - People in K-holes recreating the clay sculpting scene from the “Hello” video. This cannot be missed.

MOTÖRHEAD - People in K-holes screaming, crying, and phoning their mums.

YOUNG FATHERS - Only booked because they share a name with Glastonbury’s target demographic.

CHARLI XCX - No need to see her set, she’ll be joining Kanye for his new rave spectacular.

PERFUME GENIUS - Mmm, it feels so nice when you play with my hair like that, why is that? Oh yeah.

KATE TEMPEST - This is the thing you come back to the gazebo raving about and all your friends look at you like you’ve gone insane. They’ll never understand.

FOO FIGHTERS - I’VE GOT ANOTHER CONFESSION TO MAKE: I don’t care.

ALABAMA SHAKES - Their NME coverline called them the greatest new band in the world, an indisputable statement of fact that still seems legitimate today.

PALOMA FAITH - Owen Jones with a bowl of fruit on his head singing doo-wop covers.

Continues below

PATTI SMITH - Just read the book.

THE CHEMICAL BROTHERS - Just get them to send a DVD of the visuals.

RUDIMENTAL - One band, all different singers, like a school concert but without the 20p glasses of squash

DEADMAU5 - Good luck with your “people can enjoy my music without drugs” shtick here m8.

JAMIE T - A Sheila singalong with a pint of pear cider in each hand is hard to turn down. This cannot be missed.

BEN HOWARD - Ben How Hard Will You Avoid Watching This.

FLORENCE & THE MACHINE - No need to see her set, she'll be waiting at the side of the stage for every other act on the bill ready to run on and sing "You've Got The Love" at a moments notice.

PHARRELL WILLIAMS - “This song goes out to all my strong powerful women. You laydeez are all looking fine.”

ALT-J - You've been smart, you’ve packed a valium, you can miss this.

HOT CHIP - Don’t bother with the main show they do on the Other Stage or whatever, wait for the secret set in a tipi on the outskirts of Avalon where you have to get a henna tattoo of Matt Baker to get in. THE MOTHERSHIP RETURNS – GEORGE CLINTON, PARLIAMENT, FUNKADELIC & THE FAMILY STONE - Christ alive. Bands to see before you die, or more realistically, before they do. This cannot be missed.

FLYING LOTUS - This will be incredible but it will also probably be on at the Roundhouse by this September.

CARIBOU - Watch it on BBC Two.

FKA TWIGS - Watch it on BBC Three.

ROY AYERS - Watch it on BBC Four.

RUN THE JEWELS - The most important rap album of 2014, what are you going to do instead? Have a pitta? This cannot be missed. But the four spaces have already been filled, oh dear, sorry legends of funk we're gonna have to miss you after all, we gotta see Killer Mike.

MARK RONSON - Cause it’s Saturday night and we’re in the spot, don’t believe me - probably for the best this is a nitrous trip.

RYAN ADAMS - That song he did with Mel C was an absolute break up banger to be fair.

CHRONIXX - Somehow, shit loads of Glastonbury is still marijuana t-shirt stands and creeps with long fingernails playing dated reggae from their legal highs stall. Avoid and go to Chronixx. He’s a real talk rastafarian making 2015 roots reggae, and there will be more joints on show than the Aldi meat counter. Oh god, how can we work this out? It’s like the X Factor Four Chair Challenge up in here. Ok sorry Lionel, but this cannot be missed.

FUTURE ISLANDS - You gotta see this guy, he dances like Jeremy Clarkson on hot coals. Glasto cabaret at its finest.

PRINCE - Just fucking with you.

GEORGE EZRA - The lovechild of Wallace and Gromit singing songs about his gap year. This is going to be the most popular thing at the festival.

THE WATERBOYS - What? ACTUALLY? Better sack off Jamie T, this cannot be missed.

SUEDE - Oh, this it still happening.

FFS (FRANZ FERDINAND & SPARKS) - LOL.

THE MACCABEES - Worth it just to see the contours of Britain’s sexiest band in the flesh.

MODESTEP - ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

CLEAN BANDIT - There’s any place we’d rather be.

JESSIE WARE - “GLASTONBURY I’M SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO HAPPY TO BE HERE”.

JON HOPKINS - His techno makes people cry more than Rose at the end of Titanic, and he’ll be on way later than everyone else. Pencil it in.

MAVIS STAPLES - You can leave your mum a voicemail from this one so she doesn’t know you’ve been boshing poppers for four days straight.

HOZIER - One song, four minutes, shouldn’t fuck too much with your scheduling.

TODD TERJE - Everyone chanting the riff to “Inspector Norse” is our generation’s “Wonderwall”.

JUNGLE - The sound of the summer, not this summer admittedly, but you can’t have everything.

CATFISH & THE BOTTLEMEN - You’ve been avoiding that guy from your office who listens to XFM and wears flip flops with jeans all weekend, why would you go to the one place you know he’ll be. GOAT - Can’t tell if its Goat or just a bunch of LEGENDS down from Scunthorpe in fancy dress.

SLEAFORD MODS - Oh fuck, band of the people. Can’t miss this either.

THE FALL - Oh fuck, or this.

JAMIE XX - Oh fuck, or this.

WOLF ALICE - Oh fuck, or this.

IBEYI - Oh fuck, or this.

THE FALL - Oh fuck, or this.

AZEALIA BANKS - Oh fuck, or this.

FAT WHITE FAMILY - Oh fuck, or this.

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE - Oh fuck, or this.

Ok new plan, don’t let anything pass your lips other than vegetable dahl and pro-plus all weekend, hire an off-road Segway and squeeze in 14 bands a day.

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