There's been some pretty horrendous attempts to get particular songs to Christmas number one over the years. Your older brother and his mates let their "X Factor isn't proper music" anger get the best of them back in 2009 when they bought Rage Against The Machine's "Killing in the Name Of" all the way to Christmas number one, ahead of poor Joe McElderry. And then some jokers tried to get John Cage's "4:33" to number one in 2010. If there's anything worse than criss crossing sprouts with your racist cousin, it's criss crossing sprouts with your racist cousin to the sound of post-war avant garde nothingness.
However, over the weekend, a genuinely exciting Christmas number one campaign burst from nowhere and might actually have a shout. Our man Stormzy took to the boxing ring to perform his hit "Shut Up" for the entrance of new British heavyweight champion Anthony Joshua on Saturday night, and it caused a surge in sales, sending the track firing back to number eight in the iTunes chart. Stormzy then tweeted "Nah fuck this #ShutUpForXMasNo1 LET'S DO THIS BUN X FACTOR!!!" and it's had enough clout to get him trending on Twitter this morning. Coral bookmakers are rating him at odds of 10/1, ahead of the Military Wives, who were number one in 2011.
@Stormzy1 Getting backed, 10/1 now!
— Coral (@Coral) December 14, 2015
Now "Shut Up" doesn't have any sleigh bell sounds, child choirs or allusions to festive romance. The video isn't in a ski resort and nobody gets pashed under some mistletoe. But it would be great though wouldn't it? Imagine LBC having to do a phone-in about "Shut Up" because it's officially Christmas number one. "Now, I know some of you won't be keen on this," Nick Ferrari will splutter, his everyman larynx giving the faintest hint that all young people are awful, "but we've got Nigel Farage on next to talk about putting the Christ back into Christmas." Imagine the Christmas compilation crowd buying their Festive Hits 2016 triple CD next November and having to persevere with Stormzy's bars in between Shakin Stevens and "Can You Stop the Cavalry"? And just think, how great would it be if when your cousin does inevitably start chatting about how Romanians have ruined Sedgefield services, you can boom "Oi rudeboy, SHUT UP!" and it's entirely legit.
Stormzy told Lad Bible that if he gets it, he'll "have a party and pop some bottles and make a video being like 'aaaaahaha f*ck it'." So there's that to look forward to. You can help him get to Christmas number one by buying it, because that's how these things work. Do that here. For now, why don't you watch him play Anthony Joshua to the ring on Saturday night.
Justin Bieber just blazed past everyone and knocked the X Factor winner’s single off the top of the betting for Christmas number one, so it's basically an open race now. Stormzy's odds are now 5/1, making him the third favourite. "Shut Up" currently sits at number 3 on the iTunes charts, but sales will only count from Friday onwards.