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Ted Nugent Emailed Us a Bunch of (Totally Real, Definitely Not Fake) Thoughts

We swear.
February 22, 2014, 8:45pm

This is totally, unequivocally true and not false in the slightest: On Friday morning, I received an email from Ted Nugent asking to continue a rant he'd started on Thursday night, when he'd criticized everything from President Obama's healthcare plan to Al "Not So" Sharpton. "I need to keep going," Ted said in his email. "The people need to know the truth." (A photo of his abs was also attached.)

Lest I be the idiot to deny the legendary cock rocker his say, I've decided to run the rest of his thoughts unedited—bold, I know, but there are some things the people need to hear. Wake up, sheeple: Papa Ted's here to do some educating.

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Are words more offensive than the ruthless Frank Underwood kissing a man

Are words more offensive than OutKast reuniting without doing a new album

Are words more offensive than the eventual workaround for Philip Seymour Hoffman’s character in the next Hunger Games

Are words more offensive than following @SeinfeldToday instead of @Seinfeld2000

Are words more offensive than white after Labor Day

Are words more offensive than accepting The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift as canon

Are words more offensive than Jennifer Lawrence playing a housewife in American Hustle

A housewife, Jesus Christ

Are words more offensive than manual RT-ing

Are words more offensive than the final shot of The Departed

Are words more offensive than only buying vinyl from Urban Outfitters

Are words more offensive than saying you like “everything but rap and country”

Are words more offensive than downloading an album without meta tags

Are words more offensive than how you’ve read “a lot of Dave Eggers” on a first date

Are words more offensive than the Chicago Cubs’ new mascot

It looks like a goddamn furry

Are words more offensive than fucking a person in the ass and not even having the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach around

Are words more offensive than honestly picking the Undertaker to lose at Wrestlemania

What’s wrong with you, it’s never going to happen

Are words more offensive than meeting someone on OK Cupid, having a nice date, bringing them back to your apartment, showing them two Guy Fawkes masks and saying "are you ready for the real date?"

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Are words more offensive than not following back

Are words more offensive than my dear baby boy growing up without a strong male role model

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I miss you. I hope you haven’t forgotten my face. I’ll find you one day.

Are words more offensive than honestly calling Space Jam “overrated”

Are words more offensive than a black guy playing the Human Torch

I mean seriously his sister is white how does that work

Like… whaaaaaaat?

Are words more offensive than doing a Borat impression in 2014

Are words more offensive than enjoying Ted

They didn’t even have the decency to make it about a real Ted, not some stupid bear

Imagine it: Me and Marky Mark, pounding brews and telling it like it is. Good concept

Are words more offensive than declaring yourself the legal guardian of a 17-year old so you can have sex with her

Wait, don’t answer that

Related:

We Talked to Ted Nugent About Freedom, America, and Killing Shit

Jeremy Gordon would have watched that version of Ted, actually. He's on Twitter. - @jeremypgordon

Invaluable perspective provided by @jeremydlarson