So Thurston Moore has just announced he will be joining a black metal band. This makes a tremendous amount of sense, because “joining a metal band” is near the top of the list of things to do for newly-divorced men in their mid-50s. I just really like the idea of indie-rock’s most whispered-about guitarist in the midst of a mid-life crisis and trying his hand at zany new endeavors. I mean, it’s not like Sonic Youth will be touring again anytime soon, so I came up for a few stupid business plans for Thurston—something he could do to kill the time before the inevitable Sonic Youth reunion.Yes, the world’s first noise-rock energy drink. Bottled by Thurston Moore himself and exclusivity sold (for cash, trade, and Bitcoin) at your local DIY space. It would use all-organic ingredients and packaging, and maybe every 100th 12-pack sold comes with a free seven-inch. And don’t even fucking front, you know if Thurston Moore was selling an energy drink you would buy it at least once. Also, it would definitely be called “Tuff Gnarl.”Play as a tiny, metal figurine version of your favorite Sonic Youth character as you march around the board buying up clubs, record labels, cheap motels, and vegan-restaurants, all for the good of cut-throat, Adam Smith capitalism. The best part about this would be seeing Thurston’s disheveled mug in the middle of all the play-money.I don’t have any real commentary for this. I think we can all just admit that Thurston Moore trying his hand at the most bloated Broadway concept in history would be one of the greatest things that could ever happen.Honestly, the only reason I would want to see this happen would be for the YouTube videos of the few high schoolers who know who Sonic Youth is absolutely losing their shit when they walk into their history class. And hey, I’d actually really like to hear Thurston Moore lecture about the French Revolution. Alternatively, maybe we should just let Thurston Moore become the music teacher in every district across the country.The thing I’d like to see from Thurston the most would be an almost Weezer-like attempt to totally sacrifice any artistic credibility he had rolling. I wanna see Skrillex collabs, I want to see him play drums for Dragonforce, I want to see him campaign for Romney and invest in big oil. I want to see grizzled 40-something alt-vets questioning everything they ever thought was true.@luke_winkie
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