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Congrats on Starting a Record Label, Pornhub! Here Are Some Artists You Should Sign

Some free advice for you, you beautiful mavens of internet pornography.
September 25, 2014, 3:45pm

Hello, Pornhub. I like you. You provide a service that—for at least 20 to 60 minutes each day—fills a void in my life. Namely, the desire to see people take off their clothes and touch their naked private parts together in various neat and interesting ways. You are great at what you do, too. Each time I visit your website, I am presented with a veritable cornucopia of options to satisfy my shameful sexual desires. I entrust you with the great responsibility of keeping me abreast (that is a sex pun because “a breast” is a thing on a naked lady’s body) of exciting new trends in the field of sexual deviance that constantly refine my carnal tastes. You have done so much for me as a person, Pornhub. Truly, you are the world’s leading experts in the pornographic arts. A hub of porn, if you will.

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I understand that you are starting a record label, Pornhub. Congratulations! Welcome to the wonderful world of music. I know that while your knowledge of porn may be unrivaled, music is a new endeavor for you, as your head of PR and marketing Matt Blake indicated: "A&R is a work in progress. Right now it's all about forming relationships and understanding how this all works.” As a music editor at Noisey (which I’ve always liked to consider “the Pornhub of music”), I do understand how it works. Music is something I devote my entire day to—outside of those 20 to 60 minutes I mentioned earlier. To repay you for the years of free service you’ve provided for me which shaped my sexual identity, I would like to offer my services as a noted music expert, free of charge.

Here are a few artists I would recommend looking into as I believe them to be good fits for your emerging new label, Pornhub.

Die Antwoord

I won’t lie, Pornhub. Sometimes I’ll embark upon my pornographic journey on your website by watching two people have good old fashioned penis-vagina intercourse. Then I turn to penis-penis-vagina intercourse. Then penis-penis-vagina-butthole-penis intercourse. Then vagina-penis-something I’m not sure I recognize but is plugged into an electrical outlet-vagina intercourse. Fast-forward a bit and I’m falling down a rabbithole where I find myself watching a video I’m not entirely comfortable with the nature of, on both sexual and moral levels. It invokes a strange mixture of sexual arousal and fear in me. That’s pretty much Die Antwoord in a nutshell. Sign them and let them be the dark corner of your label.

Stitches

Stitches is a rapper who seems up your alley, Pornhub. He’s got terrifying face tattoos and basically just screams about drugs throughout most of his songs. His most popular video, “Brick in Yo Face” features guns, drugs, gold chains—everything you’d expect from a good rap video… well, almost everything. Where are the women with comically large breasts? Where are the g-string divas? Where, I ask, are the rhythmically clapping buttocks? Nowhere to be found. That’s where you come in, Pornhub. You supply Stitches with the women, he supplies the rap. Together, you can meet the demands of the world’s base instincts.

Zebrahead

Are you familiar with Zebrahead, Pornhub? Essentially, they’re the band of choice for tattooed bartenders in LA. Most of their album covers look like Pornhub preview images to begin with, so this seems like a logical fit. Their most recent album cover was nothing more than a close up of huge, fake breasts. Their 2000 album was called Playmate of the Year and the artwork featured a woman wearing heels and a bikini, pushing a flame-covered lawn mower. That is literally how half of your videos start, Pornhub. Very “on brand” for you guys.

Anal Cunt (Sex Compilation)

Anal Cunt is a band I think you’d really like, Pornhub. Their singer sadly passed away a few years ago so they’re no longer making music. But during their tenure, they made a near-endless stream of deliberately offensive songs like “I’m Glad You Got Breast Cancer, Cunt” and “Hitler Was a Sensitive Man.” In between their songs about kicking pregnant women in the stomach and hoping people get AIDS, there were some very tender love songs in there. Maybe you could put them all together and release a compilation called Anal Cunt’s Most Tender Love Songs. I went ahead and rounded all those up for you:

“All I Give a Fuck About Is Sex”

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“Get On Your Knees, Cunt”

“Foreplay with a Tree Shredder”

“Hot Girls on the Road”

“I’d Love to Have Your Daughter’s Hand in Marriage”

“I Fucked Your Wife”

“Kickin’ Your Ass and Fuckin’ Your Bitch”

Blaqk Audio

As I’m sure you know, Pornhub, ladies watch porn, too. Give them some pretty men to look at. Blaqk Audio are the pretty men from AFI making intercourse music for ladies.

The Pretty Reckless

The Pretty Reckless is a band that needs you, Pornhub. The band is fronted by Taylor Momsen of the show Gossip Girl and is the musical equivalent to that scene in Vegas Vacation where Chevy Chase’s daughter goes buck wild. Their video for “Fucked Up World” features two women going at it on a pile of money. But because YouTube are a bunch of squares, they were forced to put bandages over the nipples. There is nothing creepier than flesh-colored bandages, outside of men having sex in nothing but a t-shirt. (Side note: Please use your weight in the pornography industry to stop this abomination against God.) You are needed here to do what YouTube can’t: Let the nipples run wild and free.

Crazy Town

Remember Crazy Town, Pornhub? It’s the rap-rock group that’s fronted by two men who look like their careers as male pornstars didn’t pan out. Sign them and bridge that gap between musician and pornstar.

Hollywood Undead

I’m not sure why I’m recommending so many rap-rock acts to you, Pornhub, but I feel like pornstars and rap-rock go together like Friday night loneliness and internet pornography. If you’re looking to tap into the coveted market of strippers in Daytona, Florida, Hollywood Undead will get you there.

GWAR

This is the perfect time to sign GWAR, Pornhub. They have a new frontwoman who dons huge fake breasts that shoot blood on people which you may or may not already have a category for, I’m not sure.

Bonnie “Prince” Billy

Yesterday, his new album got a 6.9 on Pitchfork.6.9. Need I say more, Pornhub?

Perfect Pussy

I searched for the phrase “perfect pussy” on your website, Pornhub, and do you know how many results that netted? Neither do I. It maxed out the limit on search results. Think of the potential. Thousands of people would search for this band every single day. Of course, they’d be massively disappointed when they come looking for well-kept vaginas and instead find overhyped noise punk but by then, it’s too late. The next step would be to sign bands called “Interracial Threesome,” “Amazing Footjob,” and “Orgy” and you’re all set. (That last one is already a band but I wouldn’t recommend signing them.)

Too Short

Meet Too Short, Pornhub. Too Short is a rapper whose lyrics sound like someone isolated the male dirty talk in one of your lovely gangbang scenes and then put it over a beat.

Pornhub Original Artist: The 60 Niners

You’ve had a profitable musical resource on your hands all along, Pornhub—you have unlimited access to our country’s most celebrated heroes: pornstars. Just round up a few of the most popular ones and have them start a pop group, tentatively called The 60 Niners (again, working title). You are on the precipice of a burgeoning new genre: literal cock rock. You may be thinking, “But what do pornstars know about being musicians?” Stop right there, Pornhub. We live in a world where former wrestlers can be governors, failed vice presidential candidates can go on to lead successful careers as reality stars, and Nic Cage can miraculously still get work. Surely, there is also room in this great nation for pornstars to also have a hit song. “But what if they have no musical talent?” you’re asking. There’s that negativity again. Pornstars can’t act either, yet every year, they win dozens of coveted AVN awards for their roles as plumbers, pizza delivery men, and male #2. We are living in the age of auto-tune. Just get these beautiful souls in the studio, crank the Pro Tools up to 11, slap a disproportionately gigantic ass on the cover, and congratulations, Pornhub, you’re in the music business.

Dan Ozzi makes collage poems out of Pornhub comments. Follow him on Twitter - @danozzi