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We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, Volume 16

In which we address international diplomacy, hippo-shaming, and #problematic pop music.
July 29, 2015, 3:01pm

Open Submission Wednesday is a thing we do once a month where we, the editors of Noisey, open the floodgates and let you submit anything for review. For 30 minutes. And not a minute longer.

This month’s judges are Annalise Domenighini, Kim Kelly, and Dan Ozzi. A bit about us: We are three people with no shame and a might-do attitude. Now, let us see what you horrible monsters dumped onto the trash heap this month.

PETITE LEAGUE - "KANYAKUMARI"

Dan: Oh good, indie rock! We were running seriously low on indie rock. Did they incorporate some kooky instruments like xylophones and what not? ….They did! Great. Good indie rocking, you guys.
Kim: I cannot tolerate this. A xylophone? Really? I bet you have a lot of deep thoughts about organic beard grooming products and red kale, too.
Annalise: I think I heard this song at one of the smaller stages of Coachella before. It sounds like sand between my toes.

OBAMA'S DIPLOMATIC TOUR OF AFRICA

@NoiseyMusic @bananalise @GrimKim @danozzi please review obama's diplomatic tour of Africa

— Josh Petri (@joshpetri) July 28, 2015

Dan: Pretty fucked up that Obama and his dentist killed that lion if you ask me.
Kim: Obama’s recent tour of Kenya and Ethiopia was characteristic of his diplomatic maneuvers during this last leg of his presidency, as he emphasized long-term initiatives, laid out blunt truths about economic issues, trade, and corruption, and applauded progressive social motions by speaking out in support of LGBT and women's rights (including the mic-dropping quote "the single best indicator of whether a nation will succeed is how it treats its women") instead of arriving as a typical “Western savior” bearing aid and platitudes. His own familial connection with ascendent Kenya added a veneer of earnestness that is so often lacking when Western political leaders set foot on African soil. All in all, this current “don’t give a fuck” incarnation of our commander-in-chief continues to crush it.
Annalise: Shut up, Josh. (He is my “friend” so I can say that to him. Shut up.)

2016

Dan: I don’t know what this is, but I would watch it for ten straight hours. In fact, maybe I did. How long was this? I kinda spaced out in the middle. I went to a land of eternal confusion.
Kim: I didn’t realize they’d made a sequel to District 9.
Annalise: Yeah baby this is the good shit. Send more of this.
Dan: Seriously, is there more, we want to watch more.

OURSELVES

.@NoiseyMusic Review yourself.

— Thomas Seal (@politiccautious) July 28, 2015

Dan: I’m a creepy pervert, and I stink.
Kim: I do what I can.
Annalise:

HUZZAH! - "ANAL ON A TRUCK"

Dan: Wait, anal on a truck or in a truck? Those are two very different things. Or with a truck? That is a VERY different thing.
Kim: “Frat punk”? Fuck outta here.
Annalise: Quit your frat and stop stealing Sleater-Kinney chords.

5 SECONDS OF SUMMER - "SHE'S KINDA HOT"

Dan: This is the first time I’m listening to 5 Seconds of Summer and let me just say that the very first line is PROBLEMATIC AS FUCK. “My girlfriend’s bitching ‘cause I always sleep in?” Buddy, you’re in the Problem Attic right now. Wake up earlier and tell your girlfriend that you respect her as a person, dawg.
Kim: This kid’s voice is a war crime.
Annalise: Music is over now.

A PICTURE OF A HIPPO

@NoiseyMusic @bananalise @GrimKim @danozzi this hippo pic.twitter.com/TvfH8AKrBl

— Barnye Hunter (@Banananey) July 28, 2015

Dan: The media portrays a negative stereotype about hippos, specifically about them being hungry, hungry.
Kim: So much tail-shaming here. #problematic
Annalise: I hate this because it implies thugs aren’t gentle.

FOO FIGHTERS - "EVERLONG"

Dan

: This is the only Foo Fighters song I like. All the rest sound like the third place winners at a local Battle of the Bands contest.

Kim

: This song rules and I can listen to it with my mom. Peak music, really.

Annalise

: I fucking love this song.

Dan

: That’s three yesses, you’re going to Hollywood, Dabe Grolh yaay!

A CHROME EXTENSION THAT PUTS GOOGLY EYES ON PEOPLE

Dan: I like this but the name Googlifier sucks. Did you see if Google was taken?
Kim: Backed.
Annalise: This is fine.

NO ONE RULES - DEMO

Dan: No one rules, huh? Well bad news for you, pal. I can do a pretty sweet kickflip. So I RULE. Maybe you’re confused because you play ancient hardcore. Seriously, dudes, the intro to “Chains of Life” is a straight rip-off of “I Don’t Wanna Hear It.”
Kim: I like this. This is fine. I would go see them play at The Acheron if my boyfriend was bartending that night.
Annalise: No ONE rules because money rules (please see the iconic “C.R.E.A.M.” by Wu-Tang Clan for further explanations). People don’t rule this planet anymore. Did we ever? Cash rules everything around me and you and you and you. Namaste.

MINOR SABBATH SHIRT

Dan: Hey speaking of Minor Threat…
Kim: Give this to me. This is now firmly ensconced within my mental closetful of Beyonce-AS-Venom and Taylor Swift-AS-Black Flag shirts.
Annalise: Send this to me in the mail and I will wear it on my body.
Dan: Yeah, three shirts, please. One large, two smalls. 99 North 10th, Brooklyn, NY 11249. Thaaaaanks.

CLICK DARK - "NEVER COASTIN"

Dan: Isn’t this just the theme song from Workaholics?
Kim: UGH NO
Annalise: This is the new Macklemore.

SOULGAY - COMPUTER NOISES

Dan: Naturally, I went straight to the track called “Hot Club Dude” as I consider myself something of a hot club dude. How come it starts out as club music and then at 2:20 goes into a weird black metal blast beat?
Kim: How did they manage to transform into a badly-produced Deafheaven at 2:20 on “Hot Club Dude”?! That was a good trick. I also tried listening to “Anal Moth Wot Tho” and it just gave me flashbacks to that time someone gave me a weed brownie and I unknowingly scarfed it down while drinking whiskey and then I thought I was dead.
Annalise: This is performance art and I love it.

BENEATH UTOPIA - "THE FORGOTTEN ART OF SAYING NO"

Dan: Oh boy, this is a Kim Kelly jam if I ever heard one. Kim, lay down the law on this please.
Kim: Alright, so Beneath Utopia is a one-man melodic death metal project inspired by The Haunted, Cradle of Filth, and Machine Head that somehow sounds like Amon Amarth scratch tracks as played by a nu-metal Summoning. Were it not for the poor recording quality, I could see this going down a storm with the kind of kids who flaunt their Ensiferum shirts and wear their Mjolnir necklaces to bed. It got a 6.5/10 in Terrorizer, though, so what do I know.
Annalise: What Kim said.

MUCKYMANN - "HOLO GRAMS"

Dan: Your speakers sound filthy, son. Proper and regular speaker maintenance is crucial to the audio enjoyment experience.
Kim: No.
Annalise: This song is bad but some of your others are good. Keep it up dudes.

HALAKA - THE VOICE OVER THE INTERCOM SAYS HELLO

Dan: Oh boy, 40 minutes of ambient noise? No thank you, black emperor!
Kim: I once listened to an 11-hour drone song, and that was more exciting than this.
Annalise: Where is the bass though?

FIENDISH HYPE - "THE LOWEST ROAD"

Dan: Now is the time where, like every other time we’ve ever done this, I get too hungry to concentrate and ask if we should get food delivered. I had pizza already today but I’m thinking pizza?
Kim: Lots of AABB rhyming. Also, yes to pizza.
Annalise: This beat belongs in a Kanye song.

CONTOUR - "GIRL SITTING NEXT TO ME AT THE BUS STOP"

Dan: What Open Submission Wednesday would be complete without some music that sounds like it came from the dressing room at Uniqlo?
Kim: Stop making this kind of music. It is bad.
Annalise: I really, really like this. Don’t listen to them, they are Olds.

WATKINS FAMILY HOUR - "STEAL YOUR HEART AWAY"

Dan: I’ll bet right after these people recorded this, they talked about Serial for 45 minutes.
Kim: Fuck you guys, this is lovely. I’m gonna go home and make fresh mint simple syrup and pour it into some iced tea with a couple fingers of bourbon and have me a nice old time listening to this.
Annalise: Jesus, Dan, don’t you like anything in this world? This is wonderful and sweet and I’m going to listen to it about 700 more times.