There’s something intimidating about meeting Desert Sharks. I noticed this as I sat down with the four of them in a very dark, very desolate corner of a Brooklyn bar where I probably could’ve been shivved and left to bleed out for several minutes before anyone found me.“What’s the first question one should ask about Desert Sharks?” I started. The four of them silently glanced across the table at each other, as if communicating with their eyes. Finally bassist/singer Stephanie Gunther answered: “Why do you all look alike?” Indeed, the members all do sort of look similar with their long black hair, dark features, and matching black denim Desert Sharks motorcycle vests. I realized that’s what is so intimidating about these ladies: They resemble a badass biker gang.As we talked, I realized pretty quickly I was not in danger of being robbed. Despite their tough demeanor and penchant for black, Desert Sharks are actually a mostly harmless rock band who met as many bands and people looking to exchange oral sex for futons meet: through the magic of Craigslist. They told me all about the record they’re currently working on, why they dress like a gang, and the stigma attached to being in a band with all women.At one point, I cracked a joke about them looking like the Sharks from West Side Story. Surprisingly, despite their aesthetic seemingly being modeled after it, they hadn’t seen the movie. Then we started talking about other classic movies and I of course mentioned The Room, the greatest classic of all. Blank stares. Not one of them had seen it. The worst movie of our generation—or any generation—and all four of them had never seen it. I was amazed that in 2014, this anti-masterpiece had flown under the radar of four adults. So amazed, in fact, that my immediate reaction was to invite the whole band—who just 20 minutes ago, I was slightly concerned would shiv and rob me—to my apartment to watch it.Fast forward one pizza and one bottle of wine later and we're all deep into the splendor that is The Room. Desert Sharks reacted to the movie—as all people do-—with a mixture of awe, disgust, and utter confusion. Their commentary was so hilarious that I wrote it down. Here it is below with little to no context…“Who does he remind me of? A decomposing body?”“What’s wrong with his arms?”“He’s kinda ripped, I mean…”“He’s like, boning her stomach.”“Well, shit. We almost saw peen there.”“Wait, what is that water thing?”“She’s gonna call up some other bro.”
[Character calls some other bro]
“I knew it!”“She’s performing the art of seduction right now.”“Could you make that sound with your mouth? Try it. Make out it with your hand.”“This is so bad. They’re rubbing their cheeks together. That is not foreplay.”“That’s it? There was no butt scene!”“Wait, we saw the butt swirl! It’s back!”[laughs at the words “breast cancer”]“Conniving bitch!”“Wait, who the fuck is that? That’s their house! Who are they! That’s not the same girl. Did she say ‘feed me?’ Oh god, no, no!”“I think one of his nipples is an inny. It is! He has an inverted nipple.”“What?! You let people come into your house to fuck?”“Why do they always have sports equipment?”“Wait, what’s in his pocket?”“Maybe it’s like, a thyroid thing?”“Maybe if she got out of the house once in a while…”“What’s with the fucking football?!”“He’s such a good guy, that’s what we’re establishing, right?”“Yeah, 'cause she has breast cancer, you dumb bitch!”Desert Shark 1: “Why does she only hang out with her mom? Doesn’t she have any other friends?”
Desert Shark 2: “No, that’s the problem, she only stays in that room… Ohhh… The Room.”“A fresh cassette in his pocket at all times, sure.”“Woah! That’s a big bottle of water.”“He’s very oily.”“Why do they crouch?”“That’s what the marijuana will do to you!”“Why does he have a football still? You’re in a tuxedo with a football. Wait, is this the wedding?”“Is he 12 or is he in college?”“We need to play football like this.”Desert Shark 1: “Baby face! He’s so dreamy!”
Desert Shark 2: “Well, compared to Johnny Craterface, yeah.”“I’m gonna see if he does the swirl.”“They’re best friends, it’s what they do. They run and throw footballs.”“Wait, so the tuxedo thing was a flash forward?”[Character: “You’re very beautiful.”]
“No she’s not! She’s fucking sick!”“I’m learning so much from this movie. I’ve gotta live, live, live.”“Who are all these other randos?”Desert Shark 1: “Ew, he needs to get that beard back.”
Desert Shark 2: “Get yo’ beard back, son!”“There’s a ginger!”“No! No more food sexes!”“Ew, that guy’s like an iguana or something.”“You didn’t lock the door, you slutbag!”“What?! Who puts comments in their pocket?”“His lips said ‘whore.’ I think they put ‘bitch’ in later.”“I’m gonna dream about that line.”“He’s like a combination of Jackie Chan and Arnold Schwarzenegger.”[Movie ends.]
“OK, lets watch it again.”Desert Sharks are currently working on an album for Manimal Records. The album, plus a dozen red roses, will cost you 18 dollars. Here you go, keep the change, oh hi, doggy.
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[Character calls some other bro]
“I knew it!”“She’s performing the art of seduction right now.”“Could you make that sound with your mouth? Try it. Make out it with your hand.”“This is so bad. They’re rubbing their cheeks together. That is not foreplay.”“That’s it? There was no butt scene!”“Wait, we saw the butt swirl! It’s back!”[laughs at the words “breast cancer”]“Conniving bitch!”“Wait, who the fuck is that? That’s their house! Who are they! That’s not the same girl. Did she say ‘feed me?’ Oh god, no, no!”“I think one of his nipples is an inny. It is! He has an inverted nipple.”“What?! You let people come into your house to fuck?”“Why do they always have sports equipment?”“Wait, what’s in his pocket?”“Maybe it’s like, a thyroid thing?”“Maybe if she got out of the house once in a while…”“What’s with the fucking football?!”“He’s such a good guy, that’s what we’re establishing, right?”“Yeah, 'cause she has breast cancer, you dumb bitch!”Desert Shark 1: “Why does she only hang out with her mom? Doesn’t she have any other friends?”
Desert Shark 2: “No, that’s the problem, she only stays in that room… Ohhh… The Room.”“A fresh cassette in his pocket at all times, sure.”
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Desert Shark 2: “Well, compared to Johnny Craterface, yeah.”“I’m gonna see if he does the swirl.”“They’re best friends, it’s what they do. They run and throw footballs.”“Wait, so the tuxedo thing was a flash forward?”[Character: “You’re very beautiful.”]
“No she’s not! She’s fucking sick!”“I’m learning so much from this movie. I’ve gotta live, live, live.”“Who are all these other randos?”Desert Shark 1: “Ew, he needs to get that beard back.”
Desert Shark 2: “Get yo’ beard back, son!”“There’s a ginger!”“No! No more food sexes!”“Ew, that guy’s like an iguana or something.”“You didn’t lock the door, you slutbag!”“What?! Who puts comments in their pocket?”“His lips said ‘whore.’ I think they put ‘bitch’ in later.”“I’m gonna dream about that line.”“He’s like a combination of Jackie Chan and Arnold Schwarzenegger.”[Movie ends.]
“OK, lets watch it again.”Desert Sharks are currently working on an album for Manimal Records. The album, plus a dozen red roses, will cost you 18 dollars. Here you go, keep the change, oh hi, doggy.