I have a compulsion, or a penchant rather, to seek out and passively absorb images any time I find myself idle. In high school, I satisfied this urge through Tumblr—I would tumbl deep into k-holes of Mary Kate Olsen pro-anorexia blogs and Laguna Beach montages. But now I am (ostensibly) an adult, so I use Instagram to quench my thirst for meaningless images. Celebrity Instagrams are the apex of the form, a place where you can lose yourself in the 2,000 comments on a selfie of Young Thug in the passenger seat of a car.
It was precisely that moment of Instagram hypnosis that an unnamed Noisey editor discovered a strange anomaly: Young Thug aka @thuggerthugger1 follows a single person on Instagram. Just as Kanye only follows his one true love, Kim Kardashian, on Twitter, Young Thug has an interest in only one account, one account over the millions that exist, one account to fill his entire feed every time he desires the soothing soma of social media.
Enter: @HumaidAlBuqaish. Humaid Al Buqaish lives in a massive compound somewhere outside of Dubai. His Instagram account is dedicated to his many pets, most of which are exotic cats. It seems like someone in his very wealthy entourage got their hands on a GoPro camera, and the combination of his comical levels of wealth and his several tigers, cheetahs, lions, and one painfully cute chimp that he dresses in all Paul Frank pajamas has resulted in a mass Instagram following. He’s so famous the Daily Mail even wrote an article about him!!!!!! Wow. Such prestige. Many impress.
I reached out to Mr. Al Buqaish via Facebook about a month ago. He responded almost immediately to my inquiry, but his messages were suspiciously laced with grinning, blushing, and winking emoticons. I should have realized after the first winky-face emoticon that this was not going to be a normal interviewer-interviewee relationship. Instead of agreeing to a Skype or email interview as I had suggested, Humaid took the conversation to an entirely different place:
So yeah, this guy is a raging pervert, a raging pervert who chose to interpret that my interest in his Instagram account stemmed not from my genuine desire to learn more about his wild cats and Maseratis or because of Young Thug’s admiration of said wild cats and Mazeratis, but because of my non-existent desire to have sex with him. Our back and forth continued, and I realized his eventual goal was to shower me with shopping trips and cocaine, which he kept insisting he could provide if I just hopped on a plane to Dubai to do an interview in person, while mine was to get him to show me his wild cats on Skype. It occurred to me at some point that this might be an anonymous pervert baiting me with a catfish account, but after we had a brief Skype conversation (in which he told me to be quiet because his wife was sleeping next to him), I was positive that the man behind the emoticons was the Humaid Al Buqaish I had grown to know and not love. It seemed like we were close to reaching an agreement about the interview when my bae Humaid gave me details of the deal:
At this point, I had reached my “BJs+[terrible emoticon]” limit, so it was time to drop the question we (myself and unnamed Noisey editor) were all waiting for:
And that’s where I left it. Young Thug’s unrequited love, it turns out, is for a relentlessly horny man who happens to live on a compound with million dollar cars and probably-illegal cats who tries to fly American girls out to Dubai to give him BJs (also, who actually says “BJs”?). I didn’t ask him a single question beyond that point, which pushed his love-boner over the edge to the realm of rage-boner, which led to him sending me frustrated emoticon messages at 3AM Dubai time asking me if I had lost interest in him.
We ended our correspondence last week with this:
I can’t say I enjoyed his constant stream of pervy messages and clumsy come-ons, but at least I was blessed with some insight into the only person Young Thug deems worthy of following on Instagram, the man behind the images Thugger stares at before he goes to bed, basking in the blue light of his iPhone screen as @humaidalbuqaish snuggles with a lion on the other side of the world. At least.Meher Ahmad is a brave journalist. She's on Twitter - @_meherFor more sexy sex things, here's the one about the time we accidentally went to a sex and magic show because we thought it was a Red Hot Chili Peppers tribute concert, plus the one about the time we went to a strip club on purpose to watch Chinx not perform.