If the idea of pilfering through Joey Ramone’s dusty closet is the kind of thing that strikes your fancy, guess what? His estate is being auctioned off online, including everything from his passport to his t-shirts. But, bidding closes tomorrow night at 7 PM!
A lot of people are excited about his record collection, which includes 97 albums, all of which I give only one or two shits about. It’s basically the same as my baby boomer parents’ collection: Cream, Donovan, The Kinks… all of those artists are all great in their own right. But if I’m going to drop a few bills on stuff once owned by the father of punk rock—fuck you, United Kingdom—then I don’t want to have to present a letter of authenticity accompanying some boring Who album every time I’m showing off my Joey Ramone memorabilia to my hypothetical houseguests.
I want the weird shit. The studded fingerless glove. The ripped open Alka-Seltzer box he wrote lyrics down on, presumably hungover one morning on the tour bus. So, I took the liberty of sorting through all the stuff up for auction and broke down the best of the weirdness.
Gingerbread Man Costume
Made by Hollywood costumer Tuck John Porter, this giant gingerbread man costume is from the 1994 Ramones video for “Substitute,” an extremely bizarre video consisting of dive-bar freaks and Elvis impersonators, which eventually culminates in a bad parody of the Waco raid. MTV disapproved and forced them to alter the ending, claiming that it was in bad taste. But how dare they accuse the Ramones of bad taste, ammirite? Wasn’t that the whole point of the Ramones?
The thought of owning Joey Ramone’s rolodex is so next level, I can’t even handle it. It doesn’t matter that most of these numbers are out of service. You get to be retrospectively voyeuristic in terms of his professional and personal world. Some of these numbers you’d totally expect, like Motorhead’s agent or CBGC booking. But what the fuck was he doing with a Goo Goo Dolls card? You also get to see what kind of take-out he liked to order. Japanese cuisine was his fave, apparently.
The Simpsons Letterman Jacket
Remember when The Simpsons ruled? Just like the Ramones (and every other band), their early stuff was the best by far. After The Ramones sang “Happy Birthday” to Mr. Burns in the fourth episode of Season 5, the network gave Joey (and presumably the rest of the band?) this awesome letterman jacket as a thank-you. It looks like the kind of jacket a deadbeat dad would wear while not ever showing up to his kid’s soccer games. But, man, look at that embroidered “Joey” over the breast. Look at angry Homer. And sexy Marge! I’m sure it was a nice alternative coat for him when his leather motorcycle jacket got too crusty from all the spilled, stale beer.
Handwritten Lyrics on a Disassembled Alka-Seltzer Box
Nothing says residually drunk the morning after, more than the lyrics “Everynite [sic] is just party party party,” scrawled on a torn apart Alka-Seltzer box. That’s like getting chlamydia and writing the lyrics, “It burns when I pee pee pee,” on a prescription for antibiotics.
In the world of wearing only one glove, there two sides of the spectrum. There are the Michael Jackson types who wear white ones to diddle little boys with. And then there are those who get them custom-made to include ten studs and no fingers, specifically designed for beating on the brat and looking tough. This is one of those accessories that is awesome but still a little too crazy-looking, and you wish you had the fashion-balls to pull it off.
Anyway, rent is coming up this week and while I’m slowly becoming somewhat more fiscally responsible with age, it’s the temptation to blow tons of cash on shit like this that sends me back to the Ramen noodle every day, Colt 45 every night, landlord knocking at the door every week, regime of my younger self. At least if I blow my savings, get evicted, and have to spend the rest of the winter out in the cold, I’ll have a sweet gingerbread costume and a crappy rolodex of out-of-service phone numbers to keep me toasty.
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