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C'mon Dude, Cut Your Festival Wristbands Off

Science has decreed what smart people have known all along: wearing a festival wristband makes you look like a dick, and it's really unhealthy.
July 26, 2016, 9:47am

These festival wristbands have been festering upon your skin for… How long is it now? A couple of days? A month? A year? Maybe five? Most sentient beings immediately snip away at the fraying ends of the festival wristband before the water has turned hot for the post-comedown shower, but you: you've worn these vessels of bacteria like a badge of honor. And for what, exactly? To droop the ends of them in some hot soup? To leave them sopping on your skin like a pair of socks you wear in and out of the bath, day in day out, until that pair of socks decays into nothingness? To put in and around the toilet bowl, hovering dangerously close to the water and your least pleasant orifice, as you wipe away unwanted fluids? Whatever the case, these festival wristbands aren't showcasing your thrice-yearly hedonism. In case it wasn't stupidly obvious, they're making you sick.

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Science - the studious and systematic enterprise that brought electricity, cloned sheep, and rollercoasters into the world - has decreed what smart people have known all along: wearing a festival wristband makes you look like a dick, and it's really unhealthy. In fact, a study by microbiologist Dr. Allison Cottell suggests you to take them off immediately. If not, there's a risk that all germs you've been accidentally collecting from the toilet bowl and the hot soup will spread into the depths of the body.

Cottell studied a person that wore two fabric festival wristbands for two years, and found nearly 9,000 micrococci and 2,000 staphylococci bacteria on them - which is more than twenty times the bacteria found on your clothes. It's this bacteria that can cause infections, lead to boils, and in some cases food poisoning. So, I don't know. Maybe it's time to cut those disease trophies off? Please, send this appeal round to a friend so the world will soon be devoid of reasonably well-off human-beings walking around with a collection of parasite-ridden material on their wrists. The time has come for them all to disappear.

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