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Pop Punk Lyrics Can Mess With Kids' Heads As Much as Porn

Blink 182 are just as confusing as blow jobs.
August 15, 2014, 5:45am

Porn is bad for you. Apparently you're not supposed to watch it as it sets unrealistic standards. Everything except amateur stuff like Fake Taxi. That's real. But if you're exposed to porn early in life, it's meant to mess with your little brains and penises and vaginas.

A dial up connection made this a non-issue for me growing up. If my dad ever got off the fucking phone for even five minutes, I'd have time to quickly jump on Red Tube and get a warped sense of sexual relations and anal.

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I had to make do with a few Ralph magazines. One of them had Christie Boner from Dude Where's My Car? on the cover with the headline 'Dude Where's My Bra?'. So when I wasn't yelling at my dad to get off the phone with my aunt or some shit, I was listening to pop punk. Nothing new there, everyone did. Don't pretend you didn't.

My point being is that exposure to pop punk lyrics is just as bad for you as watching actors fuck. I'd never been in a relationship; I took what these guys were saying as gospel. It didn't work out.

"Did you know, my sweet That I once took the liberty of watching you in your sleep?"

Hey Chris from Saves the Day, if you're going to watch someone in their sleep, don't. If you really feel the need ­keep it to yourself. I had a few cats growing up. They kept dying really young, probably because I was watching them sleep. If I knew a girlfriend had been watching me sleep I'd call the police. Nah just kidding, all cops are dogs.

"Will you be my best friend if I offer you my heart? Because it's already yours. We could hang out every night and watch the sun go down. As long as we could watch it rise again."

Fuck there's a lot going on here. This whole song is full of amazing lyrics. I once saw the Ataris live and the singer had a fan attached to the roof that was blowing his fringe around. Dreamy. Apparently you've already given your heart away in which case why would you ask? Would you ask someone if they'd like a Pepsi if you've already just bought them one? 'Will you be my best friend' is clearly just the worst thing ever written. And what was with the cliché of watching the sun go down? The only people who like doing that are backpackers who wear those shoes that look like feet. And then imagine watching it rise again? What are you going to do to fill the time in between? Talk? Gross.

"Sometimes I wish I was smart. I wish I made cures for how people are".

Fuck Tom Delonge. Don't be too harsh on yourself. You were smart enough to somehow sell this to me. I saved up all the money I made from winning bets off friends to buy this album. Can I throw an apple at a kid with a lisp and hit him square in the head from 40 metres? Yes.

"You're graceful, your grace falls, down around me in my eyes. You're lovely, your love leaves, So easily in my eyes".

Rufio were huge at my high school. I thought they must've been the biggest band in the world but it turns out the only guy with a CD burner was the only guy that ever bought a copy. After

hearing this song in particular I'd start dropping words like 'graceful'. Looking back I don't think the girl with a matching sea shell necklace and anklet and a Rancid back patch was particularly deserving of the word, nor did she care much for it anyway.

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I wished I'd watched some porno's as a grommet. I probably would've lifted weights and got a sick tribal instead of the NOFX tattoo. I also probably wouldn't of ended up going to my high school formal looking like I do in the photo above. I drew a dick on my high school formal date because she didn't kiss me that night. Even though I most definitely told her we could watch a million sunsets after if she did.

Follow Brendan on Twitter @onlybaloney or visit him at Crab Lab Comedy on Wednesdays in Melbourne.

Related reading:

Can Pop Punk Age Gracefully

Are There Any Grown-Ups Who Still Like Pop Punk?

The Thirteen Best Pop Punk Christmas Songs