Every once in a while, we open up the floodgates and let you send us whatever you want, and we promise to review it. This is a terrible, horrible, absolutely no-good idea, because 99% of all music—even yours, probably—is dogshit. But we do it because sometimes there are gems out there, and those gems deserve to be heard. So, Noisey Editor-in-Chief Fred Pessaro, Style Editor Kim Taylor-Bennett, and Features Editor Drew Millard listened to what you sent them, and then reviewed it. Sorry if they talked shit about your band. If they liked it, good job! Either way, do not give up on your dreams, because they are all you have in this cold, unforgiving world.
— VICE (@VICE) February 6, 2014
Drew: This is a video of me doing air guitar. I hate it/myself.
Fred: This was the single most sexual thing I have ever witnessed.
Kim: Any guy who can projectile spit his own saliva and catch it again, while baring his midriff, while air fucking, is a friend of mine for life.
— POTENTIAL FANS (@MrAaronSCohen) February 6, 2014
Drew: Sometimes when you have terrible ideas, life hands you a gift. My gift came in the form of Aaron Cohen, my literal least favorite rapper in the entire universe, tweeting his mixtape at me. STOP TRYING TO MAKE AARON COHEN HAPPEN! HE’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! HE LOOKS LIKE A LEPRECHAUN AND RAPS ONLY ABOUT HIS PERPETUAL “GRIND.” WILL HE TIRE FROM HIS “GRIND?” NO ONE SHALL EVER KNOW, BECAUSE HE IS THE WORST. #KIDMEROFLOW
Fred: LOL. Not at Drew’s comment, just a general LOL.
Kim: The flash player on my mac needs updating. Soz Aaron, no time to DL.
— SKATERS (@skatersnyc) February 6, 2014
Drew: Thank you, Skaters. My life is more enriched for having watched this. I am truly sorry about that VICE review.
Fred: This is absolutely terrifying.
Kim: Sometimes I tell my best friend Wayne Che to look caucasian and he opens his eyes as wide as he possibly can. It makes him look like someone’s giving him a surprise enema. It makes him look just like this little girl. Sidenote: white ankle socks and red shoes are a really strong look.
Drew: The kid who sent me this seemed really sweet and optimistic about how we’d take this, which really warms my heart. Too bad his band sounds like a bag of dead cockroaches on fire masquerading as a rare hybrid of Oasis and Jet.
Fred: Cool kids, scatter and run for your life.
Kim: Drew—this sounds nothing like Oasis or Jet. These guys have way more in common with The All-American Rejects. I stuck it out till 2.32 when another vocalist jumped in for some back and forth. Why so shrill buddy? Whose crushing your cojones? Auto-Tune: consider it.
Drew: A wiser man than I once said that if you can’t read a metal band’s logo, they’re probably sick. I don’t know enough about metal to tell whether this is sick or not, so I’m just going to give this a \m/ and keep it movin’.
Fred: SO GRIM, THEIR WEBSITE IS BLACK ON BLACK. If Summer Slaughter was looking to regurgitate a mix of sub-sub-sub-Skeletonwitch re-thrash with Rings of Saturn-y tech masturbation, it would probably sound better than this.
Kim: The vocals are so low in the mix they barely exist. I like the bit at 1:33 where it sounds like someone’s politely puking.
Drew: This is a Dutch song about taking a shit. I don’t really have a critique of this as much as I’m totally blown away by the fact that this exists.
Fred: Go deep. Much subtlety lies in between those “liga-liga-liga-liga” and “poop-eh” lines.
Kim: Last year I showed up to a Christmas party dressed as Mr Hankey, so I’m really down for poo-related lols.
Drew: Someone sent us a their weird stop-motion animated short film. I love that they made it, I hate that I pledged to watch it.
Fred: Drew, I hate that you included this. I’m going to fight you after work today.
Kim: I honestly don’t have time for this, but the disco scene at 1.52 is pretty banging.
Drew: When I was 16, I would have loved this. I am now 24, and deeply wish I was still 16.
Fred: Not really my bag, but I can see fans of Envy and other emo-y/post-hardcore/post-rock/ whatever fans being into it. Not too bad.
Kim: My hangover just got 152 times more harsh.
Drew: Imagine your best friend was in this band. How much would it suck to have to tell them they suck? What if they wrote one of these songs about you? Would you feel bad that your best friend wrote a bad song about you, or secretly psyched because no one would ever have to hear it?
Fred: This is bratty pop-punk for 13-year-olds written by guys in their 30s. Good work, you paedophiles.
Kim: Like every other music writer on earth, I tried to write songs when I was a teenager. I sucked at it so hard but even back then I knew you shouldn’t write a guitar line and then follow that melody with your voice. Come on, guys. Step it up.
Drew: I have a weird fascination with horrible, horrible rap music. Like, why would you ever think it was a good idea to make a rap song about how much you love partying at UMass Amherst? On the other hand, why not, y’know? This kid probably loves rap music and thinks his song is sweet and never realized how dogshit it was until people started making fun of him. That’s just how the internet works these days.
Fred: Do you know Kool G Rap? Big Daddy Kane? Mobb Deep? UGK? This guy hasn’t heard of any of those, apparently.
Kim: This song ensures that I will never let a human that comes out of my womb go to UMass.
Drew: If I were Chris Weingarten and reviewing this in tweet form, I would say, “Sub-3OH!3 EDM-pop for teeth-grinders who just upgraded from meth to MDMA that’s been cut with meth.” I’m not him, but I guess I said it anyways.
Fred: In the interest of kindness toward fellow man, I will skip this one.
Kim: As someone who dreams of spending an entire in day watching 80s films in bed, I’m very much into the sentiment of this song which asks: “Why don’t we just slow down?” Right? WHY NOT? But then I get stuck behind someone who doesn’t walk up escalators and feel myself filled with white hot rage while I stare at their slovenly unmoving ass. (Seriously though, how many more of these do I have to write?)
Drew: I sort of love this, especially when he calls himself “Young Rap Genius.” Shout out this kid. Shout out all rap music except for Aaron Cohen.
Fred: This is like early Anticon on a shit ton of drugs and without any oblique/weird references. Which means its a garbled mess.
Kim: This dude raps like half his face is stroke-frozen. Best of luck with the recovery.
Drew: Is dubstep-rap the new rap-rock? Does anyone care? And doesn’t this dude already know there’s a real RatKing? Whatever.
Fred: Summed up best with this.
Kim: Dying inside.
Drew: It’s a shame these dudes are called “The Fuckboys,” because it’s really a wonderful rap name. Unfortunately, The Fuckboys are just a bunch of fuckboys.
Fred: Truth in advertising.
Kim: I think one of The Fuckboys give himself a shout out and says his name is Foreskin. Or did I mishear that?
Drew: This kid’s dope. He needs to keep rapping. If he stops, the world will become a slightly shittier place.
Fred: Solid, actually. Love the sample and these guys kind of know what they’re doing.
Kim: This song makes me want to listen to “Round The Way Girl.” No bad thing.
Drew: This is a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a British dude listening to New Order in his room weeping and masturbating furiously.
Fred: Please. Stop.
Kim: I don’t actually mind this minor chord wuss-pop—even though the nostalgia-filtered candid clip video montage is unbearable—but then, at 2.33, they throw down this horrible electronic flourish which grinds out for a full minute till the song’s finale. Way to kill the vibe.
Drew: All I want to do ever is listen to rap music, especially rap music like this.
Fred: Totally passable. Not a fan of the beat, but he could do good things over a decent track.
Kim: Sorry. I dozed off.
Drew: This band is from New York, so I really hope I don’t ever see them in a bar after I say their band is more boring than a day-long mass (Is that a thing? I don’t go to church).
Fred: This dude is one of those guys who over-enunciates when he sings, like Ben Gibbard.
Kim: More testosterone needed.
Drew: “This is so fucking sick. I love everything about this. Dance-punk rules! It’s also a nice touch that their Myspace page is on their cover art, so I know how to interact with them online.” -2004
Fred: Great band name, and wow… this kinda rips in that same way that The Rapture did on “House of Jealous Lovers” but never again after that.
Kim: Turns out a cowbell doubles up as an awesome weapon.
Drew: Burly Jersey man-punk. I can boogie to this, as long as my well-muscled co-worker Dan Ozzi acts as my chaperone to their show.
Fred: These dudes like Dinosaur Jr and pop punk. I love the former, not a fan of the latter. Not my thing.
Kim: I have to go listen to And Out Come The Wolves now.
Drew: Teens! This makes me feel old, because I can already see the kids in this band cringing at this BandCamp page’s existence in five years. Still, this is charming, I don’t hate this.
Fred: So perky! I can see Zooey Deschanel joining them for a jam on her massive top-10 rated TV show and introducing it as her “alternative band.”
Kim: The sound of a band falling down the stairs while performing. Which takes some skill. Some.
Drew: Good band name, horrible mastering. 6.8!
Fred: I like the riff and the lo-fi/psych-ness of this, but it needs some work. Good start though.
Kim: Did you make the vocals one step from mute because you can’t actually sing? If that’s the case, get someone who can. That would really help. In other news, who needs three chords, when you can get by with just two.
Drew: This is by a weirdo I follow on Twitter who doesn’t follow me back. This seems designed to send old people into a blind rage, which is that tight. Yung Turd, please share this content.
Fred: “Yung Turd on the beat.” That is all.
Kim: Maybe I should move back to the UK.
Drew: The only experimental music I like is by Yung Turd.
Fred: Remember when you first started a band and you were sure you were amazing until you listened back to your tapes? This is like that except imagine everyone swapped instruments at the last minute. Also, I’m pretty sure that’s a clarinet.
Kim: I FUCKING LOVE THE CLARINET.
Drew: This too passes the “If I can’t read your logo, your band is automatically sick” test.
Fred: Doom metal can either be totally “build-build-build-build-CRASHHHH” or “wet fart”. This was definitely in the prior camp for at least a little while. It seems like they loves JESU, sunn 0))) and others, also a good sign. Then the vocals kicked in.. and they lost me.
Kim: Turns out the sound of crickets is soothing. A++. Oh there’s more to it beyond the 30 second mark? My bad.
Drew: This is too kooky. This lawyer is way better.
Fred: You know how everyone is always searching for the real? That super AUTHENTIC SHIT? We’ll here is a grown-ass man with a career (presumably) who believes that it is totally OK for him to rap in a Marshalls-clearance suit with his mail-order bride dancing behind him. Do you, Lawyer Jim. Just work on that cadence.
Kim: Aesthetically, Lawyer Mike has everything I look for in a potential mate: a soul patch/chinstrap combo, a penchant for front pleated khakis, “dress shirts” with ill-fitting collars, the list goes on. I’m gonna have to fight that pouty, hair-touchy bitch in Lyrca for this hot piece.
Drew: Shit like this is why I think this column, despite the inherent terror of being inundated with one million links in thirty minutes.
Fred: Into the lo-fi, VHS steez of the video. Otherwise, its basically the illest hip hop crew in your suburban Florida neighborhood.
Kim: “Fuck women/I’ll leave you leaking.” So enticing.
Drew: Needs more bongs.
Fred: Is this band Planets Exploder or Planet Sexploder? Either way, “Disasterbator” is the best song name ever, pretty much. Once this song gets going, they sound like a less capable Torche with Jim Reid on vocals. Until the chorus. Not a fan.
Kim: Distasterbator. Planetsexploder. These guys need to get some. Unfortunately being in this band will not help their cause.
Drew: I love this. I would give anything to be young and cool. I had no friends in high school.
Fred: Really into the melodies here, or maybe I just really love Tony Hawk Pro Skater.
Kim: God I want to be 17 and in love.