What's the first thing your inebriated self does after discovering that you are about to be breathalyzed by the police?
Yoga breathing? Chewing gum? Breath mints? They don't work.
Maybe you begin to ferociously suck on an ash-crusted pile of pennies? Or would it be best to lick the sweat from the bald and glistening head of your front-seat passenger? Do you make the inevitable and ill-advised attempt to chug the sunbaked gallon of milk you found in the back of the police cruiser?
These are just a few of the methods of attaining instant sobriety that might possibly have crossed the mind of one Iowa man who was recently pulled over for drunk driving. Alas, our inebriated-scofflaw-in-question forwent the above in favor of a much more nuanced and dignified method of instant sobriety—and let's just say it included liberal amounts of toilet paper and his mouth.
That's right, party people.
A 39-year-old man from Conesville, Iowa, tried to avoid a bad result on a breathalyzer test by inexplicably eating a shit ton of toilet paper. Desperate times call for desperate measures, agreed?
According to a local ABC News report, Ross A. McDonald was stopped by an officer for going the wrong way down a street at 3 AM, according to a University of Iowa Department of Public Safety criminal complaint.
Police said McDonald was "extremely confused" and was unaware he had driven the wrong way on a one-way street. McDonald was also wearing a Halloween costume and had bar wristbands on. According to a police report, McDonald "was wearing only a trench coat and a piece of cloth that looked like a penis." We don't make this stuff up, people.
The police asked McDonald if he was drunk. He admitted to having had two drinks but "could not tell officers what bar he had been at." As his speech was allegedly slurred, he was given a field sobriety test, which he failed.
So, yes. Poor Mr. McDonald was taken to the University of Iowa Department of Public Safety's drunken driving processing room. Whilst there, he smashed a bunch of toilet paper into his gourd in what seems to be an attempt to "interfere with the breathalyzer."
According to the police report, McDonald initially refused to take a breath test altogether, but changed his mind after trying to eat the toilet paper.
Gotta love this guy. Bad call, though.
But thanks to Mr. McDonald, we can now say the following with certainty: swallowing a bunch of toilet paper does not improve your breathalyzer score.
The breath test showed a blood alcohol content of .165, or twice the legal limit in Iowa. Poor Mr. McDonald was arrested and charged with third-offense drunken driving, a Class D felony punishable by up to five years in prison.
But we thank him heartily for the news—TP doesn't work. Back to the pennies.