Sports

The Spew Round 2: ‘Un-Missers’, Hands Like Frog Tongues, and a Small Forward Wank-Fest

David 'Iron Sock' Latham reviews all the matches from Round 2 of the AFL.
April 4, 2016, 3:45am

The world of AFL is absolutely awash with high calibre neurotics and during channel 7's half-time break in the Tigers/Pies clash we learnt that Adam Treloar set the bar exceedingly high in this regard. Shaving his legs in the bath while watching the Simpsons, dressing left to right, and wearing red undies all being essential elements of his pre-game preparation—and the dictionary definition of a real cuckoo bird.

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During the match Aish was afflicted with his own condition in which the football appeared to him as a hot-potato which he repeatedly dropped, scolding hot, onto his team-mates' short pants. The standard across the game wasn't exactly in the stratosphere aesthetically speaking in the first half, but thereafter luckily became ugly and high scoring. In the end it became a battle of the narcissists for ascendancy—Riewoldt the emotional versus Fasolo the self-appointed Fresh man. But it was the melancholic Brodie Grundy who snapped the winner with 4 seconds left on the clock. In the end Richmond sedated their overwrought fans with a jolting disappointment that left them comfortably numb for the ride home.

But not to be outdone by run-of-the-mill Tiger and Magpie kooks and neurotics were the pathological UPF blow-ins who bought their lamentable carcasses and stupid banner into the MCG. They thought they were at Nuremberg but the master race soon learnt they were at the 'G—and were soon given the short shrift. And stay out.

If you're a Port Adelaide fan get to a TV quick… …and set fire to it.— Adam Liaw (@adamliaw)April 2, 2016

In the Port/Crows game I was struck by the glowing presence of Aaron Young who I'd forgotten about. Matt Spangher looks like the historical Jesus, but with his beard, alabaster skin and pale, luminescent hair I thought 'this guy is calendar Jesus, the original honky Jesus pin-up' with all the familiar softness you've come to expect. Doogie Howser made a precocious start by snapping a goal over his head but what was very exciting was seeing Jacobs pinch the ball from Brown's grasp like a dinosaur picking up an egg. The Crouch brothers playing together became the occasion for Basil Z to state there were '32 sets of brothers in the AFL, 4 of which are out there today.' I thought 'Boy, I'm seein' double here, 8 Crouches.' Anyway the Crows via a bossy Crows forward line pushed the flabby Power through a sausage mincer with Young asking his father, Barry Gibb, why he had forsaken him and his fellow beardo brethren—Dixon and Westhoff.

Now we enter the Bizarro World of the Dees V Bombers game where all things are inside out and upside down. Bizzaro observation 1—the Demons like to think they're Satan's favourites when we all know that title is now licenced to Essendon in perpetuity. Bizzaro fact 2—the rookie elevation McDonald-Tipungwuti (MT) was gobbling up everything for Essendon while the experienced Dees backman in Tom McDonald (TM) was turning ball over and losing 1 on 1s like a man unpossessed. Bizzaro fact 3—Essendon won the game.

Felt a few teams were challenging Melbourne for biggest joke in the league. Well we just showed them.

— Titus O'Reily (@TitusOReily)April 2, 2016

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In the commentary box were some special moments as Dwayne spoke of a hush falling over the ground as the equivalent of 80 chainsaws hummed in the background. Down on the boundary line Ben Dixon must have wondered how Dwayne was sitting cosily in the commentary box while he was amongst the elements—then he remembered his involvement in 'The Recruit'. The Bombers winners circle was a sight to behold with so many players in the middle it was like watching a badminton team trying to surround Jupiter.

North met Brisbane at the Gabba and Dermie was there to help call it. Last week Derm's specialist knowledge in Biodynamics and Medical Science was on full display, but in this game he turned to his hand to dentistry and linguistics. Dermie wanted to know if a player could be covered by insurance if they removed their mouthguard. We also learnt that when it came to goals, Schache was 'an un-misser'. Fascinating.

I had my own observations on young rookie journeyman Josh Walker and wondered if he might be the last bald man to play AFL footy. With all the laser treatments and vanity drugs available, not to mention a new CBA in the offing, surely rookies could have hair into the future. A duck by Lindsay Thomas in the 3rd quarter was so low he was almost planking, drawing Derm to ask if 'there was any theory' on ducking. Well if there isn't there should be. What a rich mine to tap in the new era of the ideas boom. At one point Rich was put by Leppitsch into the goal square in order to use his enormous arm-span should the ball get down there. At the other end, Waite's hands were like frog tongues, sticking to everything. North sailed out with another nice little win.

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In the Dogs/Saints game I thought I'd go for Saints purely for Riewoldt sentimental reasons but, despite Murphy's snaggy gesture, the Dogs weren't having a bar of it. It was Tyson 'I'm gonna eat your children' territory, sans the child-eating. In short order Alan Richardson in the coaches box had a look of consternation like he needed to do a big poo. The Dogs were moving menacingly across the park like spiders of hell, while at one point St Kilda got so handball happy I thought they were going to handball it through the sticks.

The Dogs were slicing through like a Ginsu knife and an image of Walter White flashed in my head. The Dogs don't need to worry about danger, they ARE the danger. Johannisen and Murphy are as clean as new pins and there seems to be a moving line of four defenders always ready to bring it out of defence two seconds after it arrived. I was thrilled to learn post-match that Luke Beverige had a similar fascination as me to spider parallels, liking the work of the orb spider.

The Gold Coast Suns theme song is of similar quality to some of the $5 all you can eat Chinese you find up there. — Tony Wilson (@byTonyWilson)April 2, 2016

Speaking of spiders, Domain Stadium should have been a web of extreme webiness for the Gold Coast and the Dockers should have gobbled them up after suffering a scarring defeat from the Bulldogs at Etihad in round 1. Instead a bald thief got the Suns off to a nice start by pinching an early goal. As Ross pointed out in a classic presser full of question reversals and answers to questions nobody asked, Freo was evenly matched for all but the 2nd quarter.

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On aesthetics, I liked Martin's elan and the super kicking of McKenzie to break over the defensive forward zone which sent Ross's civil war veterans chasing after them like grumpy curmudgeons – waving their fists and blowing their bugles. But there was something of what Lyon described as a youth movement – led by the dashing 20 year old Lachie Weller whose medieval pageboy haircut is very fetching and young Ed Langdon, also 20.

Up in Canberra, the city where anything can happen and never does, the Giants and Cats clashed. Now Derm was with us again and noted Guthrie looked more and more like Colonel Custer every day. So many questions. I thought with his white socks and hair band he looked very much like a jazz ballet instructor—each to their own. The Cats dominated the first quarter, peppering the goals when they should have been salting the earth—leading Dermie to proclaim they were playing like millionaires, when in actual fact only 18 of the 22 were millionaires.

We are Geelong the greatest team of last week — Mitch (@M_1tch)April 3, 2016

In a throwback to an earlier theme I noticed a shock of pale hair, beard and honky skin—Buntine, another bloody calendar Jesus running around. And then I noticed a Treloaresque neurotic. Before a ball-up, Coniglio crossed himself—spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch. How much of this type of stuff is out there? I'm keeping a watchful eye. Then Derm returned to the sciences again, his natural terrain, and started in on the natural sciences, noting that Hawkins was very much like a water buffalo and defenders lions trying to take him down. Greatly encouraged at this line of reasoning Huddo suggested 'Stevie J' could sniff out a goal, much like a piggy sniffs out a truffle. In the end 'twas the Giants who gobbled up the Cats in their earthly realm.

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Yo, Yeo and the yo-yos, what was that? This Eagles/Hawks game was a fizzer from the start and the play was so much at Hawthorn's end in the first quarter that shepherds started to graze at the Punt Rd end, believing this untouched grassland to be a commons. Eight near extinct species were able to quadruple their populations there, unfettered by man. And with the Eagles going at 35 percent disposal efficiency it was no bloody wonder.

My mind wondered to things pastoral and soon I spotted Schofield, another calendar Jesus. Soon it got into a Hawthorn small-forward wankfest and I thought 'how could this be made more engaging?' What about a five minute power-play where big men on the ground are allowed to chase little men and if they catch them they get to give them whirly birds or some such. This is probably something for the Laws of the Game Committee and I welcome any suggestions in this regard. The game was a mare for West Coast and the commentators noted that LeCras 'hadn't bothered the scorers yet'. And I thought, 'I'd like to see that, to get physical with Phyllis or whoever it is that does the scoring.' Give the fans something.

Finally the Blues were roundly spanked by the Swans as was expected. Cripps as the natural enemy of the Bloods tried with Thomas to lift their team-mates but came up short. Lamb was definitely not of God and while I spotted a Gibbs bun I saw no sign of Jesus here, except for the forsaken part.

Parker it struck me is a nude Dane Swan – a strong, ball-winning beastie sans the ink-stains. Callum Sinclair has an astonishing head which looks like it's plucked from a Steinbeckian 1930s US dustbowl. The Swans to date are making a PT Barnum like spectacle of their opposition while blooding a bunch of youth. Scarifying.

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THE SPEW: WELCOME TO THE IRON SOCK'S FIRST FOOTY REVIEW OF AFL 2016

If you have any observations about this article or footy in general, hit me up on @The_IronSock