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'Have You Ever Heard Baby Dragons Singing?': Your Game of Thrones Recap

In this week's Game of Thrones everything and nothing happened all at once. And A-Rod hit a double in a 6-0 loss to the Royals.

We seem to have hit a snag in the season where every episode foreshadows events in future episodes instead of anything actually happening. Each storyline is suffering from this funk, too. Amazingly, the entire Game of Thrones universe is on the same spot in the timeline, which is basically: kicking around dirt until War comes. There was another, uh, problematic "sex" scene, though.

We start with the Vengeful Little Girl, who, come on already with this stuff. I don't need the Rocky IV montage of how Vengeful Girl gained acceptance into Jaqen H'ghar's cult. I'll trust you guys if you just tell me she's in. We see her bathing corpses and, in the one true theme of the show, psychologically manipulating a girl and her father. Which brings us to her sister.

She had the black dye washed out of her hair so she is now the redhead everyone remembers as she takes up residency in her old home, but she's got to marry that psychopath bastard Ramsey. For a minute it seemed she had begun to fight fire with fire, getting inside the head of Ramsey's equally psychotic side piece and telling her to step the fuck off, but then she marries the psychopath. The episode ends in their new marital room as she is raped by her husband. It's totally unsettling and if everything in this show is foreshadowing, lets hope this foreshadows Ramsey's gruesome death at the hands of a dwarf-cock merchant.

While all this is going on, the King's Landing crew is all over the place. Jorah and the Dwarf are acting out scenes from Castaway as Jorah learns of his father's death by mutiny [stretches hamstring to make this symmetrical point happen] as he realizes his own flesh will be mutinying against him in short order. Cersei Lannister is setting up her son's wife—the em-effing queen—to perjure herself and be thrown in prison for defending her homosexual brother against charges of fornication, buggery, and the next great Coca-Cola advertisement. As both were carried off by guards, I couldn't help but think it would have been the perfect moment for A-Rod to bust up a perfect game with a two-out double to deep right-center in the fourth inning, missing a home run—near perfection itself—by inches.

Last but not least, we have the Keystone Kops, Jaime and Bronn, trying to rescue Cersei's (and Jaime's remember, they are siblings who boned many times) daughter. Their grand plan is to storm the castle and just take the girl if they happen to come across her. You may recall, Jaime has a wooden arm. Perhaps coincidentally, they were not successful and now basically everyone in the show is either in a literal prison or [stretches other hamstring to make this symmetrical point happen] a figurative prison of oppression.