Cristiano, in many ways I feel your pain. You are isolated in your work, as am I. Perhaps it is your greatness that keeps people emotionally distant. For me, it is physical distance. I don't work close to my colleagues. I work from home. It is still rewarding, sure, but if you're like me maybe you wonder: could it be more rewarding? I get it; I get you. So here is a modest proposal: just force Real Madrid to put me on the roster and I will be your friend. I would say you could come blog with me, but I don't think VICE could afford both of us.
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You specify "In football," which I think is an important distinction, and one not to be ignored. That is why I want to make sure I'm on the roster. Now, obviously I am not going to start any games, but maybe I could get in some garbage time. And who knows, maybe after some training with you I'll be able to replace some of the dead weight on the roster like Bale or James.Oh yeah, we would totally practice together all the time. Running and kicking stuff together, that is where our true bond will form. We could have little inside jokes that only the two of us get. Like when I replace Nacho on the roster I could say "Nacho your locker anymore" and we could just laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. The best part is we could also kill time together. We could play video games together, go shopping for Ferraris, or we could go to the movies together and talk about our favorite parts of your life.There are any number of reasons why we should be football friends, and these are just a few:"In football I do not have a lot of friends … most of the time I am alone," Ronaldo says. "I consider myself to be an isolated person … disconnected from the world."
- We could call each other BFFs: Best Football Friends.
- I have excellent vision, so you would never again miss out on a goal-scoring opportunity because your teammates "didn't see you."
- I recently won a lifetime supply of hair gel. It's yours if you want it.
- I have a working understanding of the offsides rule.
- I have no respect for goalkeepers.
- I always wanted to have a wax sculpture of myself and this is probably the best chance I've got.
- My family comes from Ireland, which is pretty close to Scotland, where Sir Alex Ferguson was born.
- I know a guy.*
- I would do favors for you like get your dry cleaning and stuff. It wouldn't be like I'm your assistant or gofer or anything like that. I'd just be a friendly face at the office who would do nice things for you because that's just what one friend does for another friend. I wouldn't do it just so you would then have to do it for me, although that would be nice. I'm just saying: If you needed a favor, and it didn't put me out to do it for you, I'd probably do it for you. I wouldn't want to get paid, but I also wouldn't want to pay for your dry cleaning. You know what I'm saying.
- I don't mind doing dishes, but I kind of hate doing laundry. This is probably not that relevant unless we were roommates.
- We could be roommates!
- I can be kind of passive aggressive, but sometimes so passive aggressive that you don't even realize it. So even when we are fighting, you might not even know it.
- I'm probably too lazy to do PEDs so if you need clean urine, I'm your guy.
- "Messi is trash." - My yearbook quote.
- I wouldn't make fun of you for this.
- I could ghostwrite your autobiography; I practically already have.