Tidbits

1. BALL GAG

Nothing says “Women’s Studies doesn’t matter here” like a woman wearing a ball gag. Right after you’re done you’re like, “Oh my God, my baby, who did this to you!?” and you get it off as fast as possible but then the next night you’re both like, “Where is that thing?”

2. THE DECORATOR

They should have called this dildo the “ooooh kaaay.” With a built-in urethra, this simulated phallus can literally ejaculate whenever you want. The manufacturers suggest you use water, but we recommend…

3. WHITENING RINSE

After I tried this I was like, “Hmmm, this is kinda acidic, faintly tart, and really slippery. Shit, what is that taste again? I know that taste. Eww, now it’s foaming into something viscous and slimy inside my mouth. OH MY GOD IT’S CUM!” Who at Rembrandt approved this? Didn’t he ever kiss his girlfriend after a blowjob? What an asshole.

4. AHAVA SOAP

Ever notice how girls are always getting some kind of UTI or bladder infection or weird yeast thing and guys always have that weird musty smell emanating from their balls? That’s because most soaps have twice the PH our bodies do (we’re only 5.5), and when we get it on our swimsuit area it throws our whole balance into homeless-person reek mode. Ahava soap has the same PH as us and it makes your genitalia smell like it’s supposed to — irresistible.

5. DUAL ACTION VIBRATORS

When you ream a girl out in every available orifice there’s a weird Pavlovian thing that goes on in the back of her head. She’s like, “He is blowing my mind like no other, he must be the perfect mate. Don’t lose him.” Never mind that it’s the technology. That never comes into it.

6. LEATHER HANDCUFFS

The problem with most handcuffs is they have that hard edge and when you get her in some kind of awkward hold she’s like, “Ow, that hurts” and you’re like, “Yeah, you like that bitch?” and then she goes, “No seriously, it’s really painful — my wrist is —” and then you have to go, “Oh shit, here let me … here, just, if we move this over here …” and then you help her get them off and the whole thing’s ruined.

7. HORSE TAIL BUTT PLUG

The first time I saw this I laughed my head off and walked out of the store rolling my eyes. Then the fucker haunted my wank fantasies for about two weeks like Casper the friendly, dirty, animal-urge ghost. Then I had to walk back in to buy it and they were like, “Well, well, well, if it isn’t Mr. Laughy Pants from two weeks ago.”

8. HETERO GUY STRAP-ON

You ever let a girl put her finger in your bum and you’re like, “Holy fuck, what was that — a watermelon?” and they go, “It was the tip of my baby finger, you pussy.”? If you’re one of those guys and she really wants to try a strap-on you might want to start out with something of this caliber.

P.S. You know you’re gay, right?

9. VIBRATING THONG

Men don’t have clits, true, but they do get ’roids the size of golf balls. Have you ever experienced that? It’s BRUTAL. Sometimes the only relief is to go into a sex shop, walk into the “weirdo homo S&M freak” section and pick up a pair of these sweeties. Then you go home, put a pillow on your favorite chair, turn on the TV and it’s like aaaaah.

Special thanks to: Toys in Babeland, 94 Rivington St, (212) 375-1701, babeland.com

Eve’s Garden, 119 W.57th St./Suite 1201, (212) 757-8651

The Pleasure Chest, 156 67th Ave., (212) 242-2158

To win your free subscription to VICE send tidbits to: VICE Magazine, 75 North Fourth Street, 3rd floor, brooklyn, new york, 11211, usa