This article originally appeared on VICE UK.
Yesterday, in a column called "Six sex and love lessons straight couples can learn from gay relationships," esteemed sex column veteran Tracey Cox took her MailOnline readers tenderly by the hand to the Homosexual Zoo, to see what information could be gleamed from these rare, exotic, and beautiful creatures. Her Attenborough-level of understanding and insight is truly an inspiration to us all: "Gay men understand that men simply like looking at sexy things," she says, at one point. On mutual masturbation: "Gay men love showing off."
Even I feel like I learned something, and I am one of those flamboyantly masturbating gay men Cox is so eager to study. But, as the proud member of a nine-year fully homosexual coupling, I feel I can offer a slightly more justified perspective (i.e. I have actually had gay sex with a gay man, loads of times) on what flawless gay relationships can teach you straight people about how to go out with each other. So here they are.
YOU'RE FAR LESS PICKY ABOUT GENITALS
One of the great joys of being a homosexual man is that you see cocks far different and varied from your own. Dicks are as varied as arms: some are hairy, some are thick and others are covered in tattoos. When in a homosexual relationship you learn not to judge what you are presented with and just chow down on it, for are we not all beautiful examples of God's creatures? Do we not all ejaculate from roughly the same location?
PEOPLE ASSUME YOU'RE STILL HAVING LOADS OF SEX
Sorry to be the one that breaks the news, but in a gay relationship we get just as lazy as everyone else. After a certain amount of time together a Netflix marathon cuddled on the sofa with an excellent cup of tea is far more appealing than the cardio workout of getting your big gay freak on.
If the thought of fucking isn't enough to tire you out, the level of prep work then clean up sure as hell will: semen gets everywhere. It gets everywhere. This isn't to say that a gay couple becomes asexual, it's just that, like all couples, sometimes cranking one out alone is fine and the intimacy of snuggles is perfect. Learn to embrace a wank and a hug in your straight relationship.
YOU GET DOUBLE WARDROBES
Twincest is universally agreed to be the hottest type of family sex. Clothes are also agreed upon to be one of the most expensive outputs of a household. Smart and wily homosexuals can kill two birds with one stone by dating someone similar-looking while also gaining access to their wardrobe.
This leads to fights. Wardrobe sharing is amazing, but full of pitfalls. Rules: never wear something your lover has bought for a special event. Occasionally buy something pretending it's for you, but get it in your boyfriend's size: you make a big fuss that it doesn't fit but looks so much better on them, then they get an ego boost and you get a blowjob. The flip side to that is, if they grow too large for something, make sure you wait long enough for them to have moved on from this grievance before claiming it as your own. Bear that in mind next time you try your girlfriend's underwear on.
YOU'RE NOT EXPECTED TO HAVE BABIES AND YOU GET TO BE INDIGNANT WHEN PEOPLE ASK YOU ABOUT MARRIAGE
Pow pow, double blessing. In the right situation this can be used to make people feel socially awkward enough that they eventually go away: mustachioed old aunties at weddings and bigoted coworkers can all be sacked off with an icy glare and an uptight, "And why would you think we would want to get married?" Because since marriage equality became a thing, everyone assumes it's every gay's goal to walk down the aisle, and there has been a 1,000 percent uptick in moms asking whether they should be buying a hat. Just because we like planning parties doesn't mean we necessarily want a wedding, mom. Fuck off with the hat chat.
Baby questions are also a golden egg for people who delight in starting arguments in empty rooms, the, "So what, would you two just jizz in a paper cup and mix it up like a slushie before inseminating someone, or…?" question seem to be reserved for the more aggressively heterosexual members of the family, which can cause some wonderful arguments and the chance to remind people we are still second class citizens. You say, "AND SHE WON'T EVEN LEND ME HER WOMB!" with enough emotion and your homophobic cousin will guiltily backtrack so hard they sometimes end up having to buy you presents to say sorry.
NB: Similar arguments can be sparked around giving blood, teaching, and the use of the word "gay" as a derogatory term.
A CAREFUL CHOICE IN SAME-SEX LOVER CAN RESULT IN THE UNIQUE SITUATION OF BEING ABLE TO PLACE BLAME IN THE THIRD PERSON
My partner has the same name as me, which is great for egotists (you get to shout your own name as you come) as well as the chronically late. "David, why are you so late?" someone might ask me, and I get to point to him and say, "Well, David spent over an hour doing his hair," even though it was my fringe that wouldn't sit straight. I mean, I don't know how straight people are meant to do this, but… well, maybe if your name is Alex, or something? Sam? Jessie? It's a thought.
YOU DEVELOP A HOUSEHOLD CHORE MIND MELD
On occasions when the gay magic is truly fabulous between two men, they will enter the kitchen together. One man will take firm control of the tap and basin while the other finds the softest towel to dry with. Together, wordless, perfect yings to each other's yangs, they work hard scrubbing the day's dirt off the dishes as the other makes them dry and sparkling for another days use. You think it's just poppers and sauna-fucking. It isn't. We're also really good at washing up.
TWO GAY MEN ARE JUST AS BORING AS A STRAIGHT MAN AND A STRAIGHT WOMAN
Basically, apart from an extra meat wand, a gay relationship is pretty similar to any other relationship: we watch TV marathons, fart in front of each other, and occasionally have a really intense threesome. There's not a whole lot you can learn from us, unless you need the name of an obscure, Japan-only Kylie Minogue album track or information on who competed on which series of Ru Paul's Drag Race. That's about the size of it.
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