Shoeys. You heard of em? If so, good. You're probably disgusting like us. If not, a shoey is where you drink a beer out of shoe. Traditionally, somebody pours the alcohol drink into their own shoe, then gives it to you, so you drink from the stranger's foot glove.
Anyway, that's how it traditionally goes. But you can only drink so many beers out of a sweaty old skool Van before you've got to grow the fuck up. Get a fuckin' job. Pay taxes. And drink your cocktails out of fancy Italian leather boots. Yes, you deserve gourmet shoeys.
Just like sommeliers pair wine with food, we paired cocktails with shoes that will bring out their flavours, personalities, and spirits. We hired the most talented bartender we could find, who just "happened" to be "incredibly" "ripped." His name is Joe. God bless you, Joe.
Okay. Let's do this.
Bloody Mary in a Gumboot
To be clear, it is 2 PM. At 2 PM, five litres of alcohol — in a plastic gumboot that we purchased from Target — are staring us in the eye. At 2 PM, we realise if we drink the entire shoe, this "project" will potentially kill us because we are small people. Not in personality, but in stature. So we take a few sips and chomp on some celery, and agree that in the gourmet spirit of these shoeys, sculling isn't necessary. These are shoeys with class, baby.
Taste: Joe gets really excited about theatrically pouring vodka into the gumboot and starts doing that thing with the bottle that's like, up-down-up-down, literally exactly like Tom Cruise in Cocktail, although he looks more like John Travolta in Grease. He also goes hard on the Tabasco. Thanks for trying to kill us at 2 PM on a TGIF, Joe. Really appreciate it.
a e s t h e t i c セクシ: This drink looks fucking sick. There's like a whole chopping board of antipasto on top. Joe is clearly extremely talented, and puts in a lot of effort. And we're impressed. But this isn't goddamn Project Runway, people. Let's get to the drinking.
Drinkability: Low. If you tipped this gumboot up as you would a glass, five kilos of ice would fall on your face. The ice bucket challenge wrapped back in 2014. Not worth it.
Aperol Spritz in a Snakeskin Boot, Bitch
What can we even say here? Belissimo, Joe. You've stumbled upon perfection and it's only round two.
Taste: A warm breeze rippling through the town square on a quiet summer evening. Blowing a dandelion and making a wish. Your schoolyard crush planting a kiss square on your little cheek. This tastes like all those things, plus the inside of a shoe.
a e s t h e t i c セクシ: Meeting a menthol-smoking cougar on a beach in Croatia and having a short-lived, sun-kissed affair with her—sand in every orifice—while her 94-year-old husband is fed preserved peaches from a plastic cup in a hospice somewhere.
Drinkability: You gotta drink this one fast, because this boot is really leaky. We anticipated that being a problem, given shoes are designed to hold feet, not liquids, but we didn't realise how difficult it would be to drink from one end of a shoe while all the alcohol you are trying to get in your mouth streams, basically gushes, out the other side. Our solution was to just drink the entire thing in approximately 3.78 seconds.
Espresso Martini in a Lady's Animal Print Stiletto, Size 7
First thought? Contact every single bar within a 10 kilometre radius and tell them to start throwing out martini glasses. Welcome to the new world. This shoey is so good that it ignites something in you. Quite a specific something, which I can pinpoint exactly for you: a desire to get really fucking wasted. We drink two, each.
Taste: Fuck me, Joe. Literally fuck me because this drink is amazing.
a e s t h e t i c セクシ: Have you heard of a little show called Sex and the City? Some people consider that a fashionable show. I don't. Not after this. This drink is the very pinnacle of fashion. From this day forth, nothing will ever be "fashionable" or "cool" to me, unless it's an espresso martini served in a leopard print heel.
Drinkability: Easy—almost too easy. Also, the stiletto is totally watertight.
*Seventies slap bass porno music*
Cowboy Shot in a Baby's Cowboy Boot
I know this is an odd thing to say about a cocktail that's literally called a "Cocksucking Cowboy," but it made me want kids. You know what I mean? This cowboy boot is just so tiny. So small. Flat out, goddamn, just-kill-me-now-cause-it-doesn't-get-any-better-than-this adorable.
Taste: This type of shot is designed for people who hate the taste of alcohol but crave the effect of it, instantaneously. That is to say, this drink tastes like melted caramel, but literally turns your skull into a washing machine where your brain is on the "heavy stains" cycle.
a e s t h e t i c セクシ: In a word? Delightful.
Drinkability: Extremely fun. Would recommend.
Jägerbomb in a Terrible Businessman's Formal Shoe
By this point we are both so, so drunk. Who even cares.
Taste: It's a Jägerbomb, so not great. However, given we are what could only be accurately described as "fuckeyed," our standards aren't particularly high.
a e s t h e t i c セクシ: Ugly, but that's the whole point here. So we nailed it. What's the deal with these shoes anyway? Why are the toes so long? Why are men trying to add an additional four centimetres to their feet every time they get dressed for work?
Drinkability: Fucking horrible.
Elegant Beer Bong AKA Drinking a Melbourne Bitter Through a Slide
At this point, nothing matters. What's my name? I don't know. Also, I can't quite recall what we thought we were going to do with slides. I think we were going for a makeshift beer bong "vibe", but lacked the motor skills to pull off anything close.
Taste: Well it's just beer, so it takes like that. We've been drinking for about two hours, and didn't put them in the fridge either.
a e s t h e t i c セクシ: Sydney Punk Band Meets Melbourne Small-Time Drug Dealer.
Drinkability: Like it's fun and slutty but it's super impractical. It just goes… everywhere. It's pretty gross. On the other hand—this is what we came here to do. We came here to drink alcohol through a bunch of shoes. So yeah. It's fine I guess.
Did we start off doing the Gourmet Shoey for the novelty of it all? Yes. Are we now throwing out all the glasses in our house and replacing them with leopard print heels? Yes. Did we get so drunk that we called one of the guys who works in sales and earns triple our salary "Daddy"? Unfortunately, also yes.
Would we do it all again? Of course. Honestly, you should too.
This is Joe's Instagram. You're WELCOME.