Great American Leaders: Were They Shitty Dads?

George Washington: The “father of our country” was a little too busy crossing the Delaware and chopping down cherry trees to have any kids of his own. But he did have a pair of adult step-children he inherited from his wife Martha’s first marriage. Now, because of his status as the only leader of our fledging nation ever, Washington more than anyone else was capable of following Europe’s lead and instituting a monarchy. Those step-kids could have been step-KINGS, and they weren’t!

Dad Status: Shitty

Benjamin Franklin: Aside from discovering (electricity), inventing (the stove, bifocals, etc.), and founding some of America’s earliest infrastructure (post office, fire department, hospital, et al), Franklin spent much of his time penning axioms. Unfortunately for his kids, this was his favorite method of applying discipline. So when his son Francis forgot to do the dishes, he wrote “A sink full of dishes betrays a thoughtful son,” and when his daughter Sarah came home after curfew, it was “A late daughter implies that she is A GODDAMNED LYING BITCH. A GODDAMNED LYING BITCH, JUST LIKE HER PIG BITCH MOTHER. WOMEN ARE A PLAGUE OF LYING GODDAMNED LIAR BITCHES.”

Dad Status: Shitty

Thomas Jefferson: The author of the US Constitution fathered six kids by his wife Martha. With the aid of science and speculation, it is presumed that he also fathered at least one child (and as many as six) with his fourteen-year-old slave, Sally Hemings. In his last will and testament, Jefferson guaranteed Hemings’ children their freedom when they came of age. Would a shitty dad eventually free his biological children from slavery when they turn 18? Does a post-mortem apology atone for eighteen years of hard bondage?

Dad Status: Shitty

Abraham Lincoln: Was Abraham Lincoln a child molester? I’m not suggesting he was. In fact, there’s no evidence to support that claim. But think about it. Was he? Was he???

Dad Status: To Be Determined.

Warren G. Harding: Officially, our 29th president had no biological children. Unofficially, he fathered a lovechild with a teenager while serving as Senator from Ohio whose existence he denied for the rest of his career. But was he a shitty dad? Far from it!

Historians generally consider Harding to have been the worst president in history. It did that kid well to keep her distance.

Dad Status: Not shitty

John F. Kennedy: Life wasn’t easy for the children of the most powerful, hypersexual man in the world. Especially since he passed a Final Destination-style black magic doom curse to his children. The really shitty part was that all of the babysitters kept getting pregnant and “disappearing.”

Dad Status: Shitty

Gerald Ford: Maybe I’m just playing the devil’s advocate here, but it’s worth considering, if even for a moment: was Gerald Ford a child molester? I mean, there’s no proof or anything. He’s never been accused of molesting children. But just take a moment to consider it. Was he?

Dad Status: To Be Determined 

George H.W. Bush: For all intents and purposes, our 41st president was a pretty good dad. He raised six children, one of whom grow up to be the governor of Florida, and another who became a two-term president. But that one did plan 9/11, soooooo…

Dad status: Shitty 

Barack Obama: Look, I know I keep bringing this up, but… Is he???

Dad Status: To Be Determined 

@benjaminkorman