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Woody Harrelson: Things are great. I’m excited to be in New York promoting my new film, Rampart. I also really like VICE; you guys are doing some really great stuff right now. I’m feelin’ it. Happy to be talking to you today, really sorry you had to wait an hour and a half…Aw shucks, it’s no big thing. Thanks for the kind words, Woody—is it OK if I call you Woody?
We’re all friends here. I’d be offended if you didn’t.Great, Woody it is. So let’s talk about your movie. I saw it last night and it’s really great. In one sentence, tell me what you would say to someone who hasn’t seen the film in order to get them to go check it out?
Rampart is the best fucking movie in the entire world.
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In the movie I play Dave Brown, a Vietnam Vet who works as a corrupt cop for the LAPD. My character has some serious anger-management issues, and he's not the most morally sound man on the force. He makes a number of bad decisions and subsequently spends a lot of time trying to cover his ass and keep his family from falling apart.A perfect summary! I’d love to know more about these morally unjust decisions of his. What kind of dirt does he get into? Sex? Drugs? Parties? Enquiring minds want to know.
All of the above! There is actually a really good party scene in the film where I go to a rave. I get a little fucked up and end up stuffing my face with food until I puke.What’s the craziest party you’ve ever been to?
[**Insert long winding hilariously debaucherous tale of what sounds like the best party in the history of parties**]Holy shit. I can’t believe you did that. Did you ever find your clothes?
Nah! I was so high I didn’t even care!

I’d be running things for sure! I can kick ass in real life too, so I am in no way worried. Bring it on; I’m ready to save some lives.I think I’d probably feel pretty safe with you at my side holding it down with a crossbow. Mickey Knox is not the kind of man you want to fuck with, unless of course you are a rattlesnake.
I’ll protect them too. I’m a vegan so I don’t believe in killing animals.
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Bubblegum…Seriously?
I shit you not.Wow, I never would have guessed. On the topic of favorites, what’s your favorite film that you’ve done?
Kingpin. I LOVE Bill Murray. He’s my brother.Well thank you so much for hanging out with me. I hope the rest of your interviews go well. I brought you a joint just in case you need a break from all of this bullshit.
This was the most enjoyable interview I’ve ever done in my life. You are awesome. Thank you and have a great weekend.No… Thank YOU!

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Well I liked Larry Flynt. I liked The Messenger. I liked this one.OK, what’s the most fun you've had on set?
White Men Can’t Jump was really fun.Yeah?
And Kingpin was really fun. Natural Born Killers… There were a lot of festivities but it was very intense. So I couldn’t say that one was quite as fun.You tend to take on a lot of "tough motherfucker" roles. Now that it’s 2012, and people are saying shit is going to hit the fan in a Biblical way, how would the real Woody Harrelson hold up?
You mean if it became a desperate situation? I’d fight for survival; I’d hold up good.What would you do?
Well the first thing I’d do is retreat.To where?
Uh… ya know… I live in Hawaii. So… that’s where I would go, where I’d retreat with my family.One of the reasons I wanted to interview you is because I like the fact that you’re an advocate for marijuana.
That’s not necessarily true.
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No, in fact, I’m an advocate for the straight edge. I don’t live it, but I advocate it. So I don’t encourage anyone to do any drugs, but on the other hand I believe in freedom.But you do smoke?
Oh yeah.

I don’t want to sit and talk about pot.You don’t? Alright. What’s the craziest party you’ve ever been to?
[extremely long and awkward silence]
Uh… I don’t know. I’ve been to a lot of crazy parties. It’d be hard to pick one.Nothing in particular sticks out in your mind. What’s been your most memorable experience so far?
[silence, heavy breathing, acts as if I haven’t said a word][I awkwardly try to ask anything I can to wrap up the interview] Are there any particularly great perks about being a movie star?
[more of the same]Um…
[Woody continues to stare me up and down in total silence.]Alright, well… sorry. I don’t know what else to ask you. I uh… yeah…
Well, alright then.And that was it. Five minutes of uncomfortable laughter and lame responses quickly turned to questionable silence and flat-out disdain. I left the room, and seconds later he dashed out to go eat lunch. As I slid past his publicists to exit the building, Woody attempted to save face by saying, "Good luck with everything." But at that point it made no difference. Perhaps he truly meant to wish me well and he felt sorry for being such a creep behind closed doors, but still it wasn’t enough for me to forgive him for being so rude just because he couldn't wait to wrap his mouth around some "raw food."The moral of the story: Don’t waste your time admiring famous people, because in reality they don’t give a damn about their fans; they are sleazy and act like dicks for no reason at all, just like you and I.
