What do I know about Maya Rudolph other than the fact that she’s a hilarious one-pump mocha who’s comedic roles in such hits as the non-shitty (modern) years of SNL and Bridesmaids have caused me to go around repeating things like “BOBBY B!” and “I just sent my measures to FRANCE, ya’ll” like a crazy person? Nothing, that’s what. I know nothing about her other than those things, and that my private garments get noticeably more moist when I’m watching her in something, which means that I must want to have sex with her. Isn’t the body fascinating?
I’m gonna do some on site investigating right now in the hopes of getting a firm grasp on who Maya Rudolph really is, and you’re going to come with me. Let’s have snacks while we’re doing it. I’m drinking coffee and eating Reese’s Pieces. I’ll stop typing for five minutes so you can go and get whatever the hell you want.
OK, so according to the Wikipedia page for Maya Rudolph she was born in 1972, which makes her 40. Normally I only date people who are at LEAST 10 years younger than me, but I think that because Maya Rudolph is famous, it’s OK. Maya was born in Florida and her dad is Jewish and her mom is African American. It sucks that she was born in Florida because it’s so hot there and I know what it’s like to have curly hair and live in a humid place. The main thing I’m learning from this new information though is that I now know the formula for creating a beautiful child. You see, as I’ve said before, although I’m not a Jewish, I look like one, so that means all I need to do is get some black man sperm in me and wait nine months for an attractive SNL cast member to pop out. Life is easy, I don’t know what everyone keeps bitching about all the time.
Oh crap, so now I’m seeing that after being born in Florida, Maya and her family moved to Los Angeles and stayed in Westwood for her growing up years, which means that she was rich before she even became rich, and probably shopped at the same Vons grocery store as OJ Simpson. The rest of her page is pretty much all about being on SNL, and that she has a husband (nassssssty) and three kids (siiiiiiiick). It also says in the “personal life” section that she lost her virginity on top of a wooden bench behind an Arby’s and that her favorite color is puce. Strange that they’d put such personal details in there. But, as they say, the internet is an open book.
One of the really great things about having sex with someone who’s both hot and funny is that there’s literally nothing you can’t ask them to shove into your vagina. If you’re rolling around and they do a normal thing like put their fist inside you, that’s emotional and intense, but then if you’re play fighting and that turns into sex and you’re like “Hey, see if you can fit this Barbie inside me,” they will laugh, and then you’ll laugh, but sure as shit … you WILL have that Barbie inside of you. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I enjoy doing perverse sexual acts just so that I can tell people about them. Having dirty sex is fun, but Tweeting “Ever had frozen gummi bears shoved up your ass? I have!!” is ten times better. Dear Maya Rudolph, if you read this, I am sorry. I am sorry, but I am also hopeful that you will find a way to contact me and ask me to go shopping and out to lunch with you. In Lesbian Land “shopping and out to lunch” means I want an excuse to see you take off clothes and put on new clothes, and to also see how it looks when you put things in your mouth. BUT even if that ends up not being the case with you, we should still hang out. OK. Talk to you soon.
Previously - Angelina Jolie