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MEET THE NIERATKOS: DON'T ASK/200 POUNDS OF FAKE SEAMAN

I know it’s wrong to pretend to be a priest (especially in a brothel), and I know it’s against the law to impersonate a police officer, but does it say anywhere that you’re not allowed to inadvertently lie about being in the Navy? Especially if it gets you a bunch of free shit?

It is no secret that I have great respect for the military and that my family ties to the armed forces date back almost to the dawn of man. From the Polish side of my family who let the Nazi’s overthrow Warsaw with ease because they thought the Germans were leaving when they marched in backwards, to the Portuguese side who almost nearly considered getting involved in THE BIG ONE (luckily that was on the day they announced the war was over), to my father being killed in Pearl Harbor, right up to the fact that I insisted on my wife having our first born on September 11th to honor the troops who had fallen in Iran (or wherever we believed our attackers were hiding).

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I choose to honor the military in just about every human possible way:

—Sometimes I wear camouflage cargo shorts despite knowing no one wears cargo shorts anymore.

—Other times I watch the movie Stripes back to back. I don’t care, these are our boys.

—I make my barber give me a military crew cut even though he insists that’s not what it’s called.

—I only buy hot dogs from the hot dog guy by the smoke stack, never from the hot dog guy by the train tracks because the guy by the smoke stack was in the Korean War.

—When I see men in uniform at a restaurant or bar I always send them a drink or a bottle of wine regardless of them insisting they’re, “On the wagon,” because I can never remember if “on the wagon,” means you’re drinking or you’re not drinking. I always get those two confused.

I would say the most important and heartfelt way I show my thanks and respect for those that put their life on the line for my freedom every day is by wearing a U.S.S. New Jersey naval hat.

And I tell you I never meant to fool anyone into believing I was in the Navy, it just sort of happened.

On my recent trip to Hawaii my wife over-packed our suitcases. The airline called for a $75 weight fee but the ticketing agent allowed them to pass. I thought it was because I had an infant in my arms. It wasn’t until the bags were already gone that she informed me they, “Make exceptions for military men.”

I was confused.

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Then I thought that everyone who stepped aside at the security check to let us pass was just super polite and being kind because we had the baby.

My wife suggested it might be because of the U.S.S. New Jersey hat.

I told her I had one of these hats for years and never got any special treatment.

“That old hat looked like shit,” she told me. “It was gross and dirty. And you were much fatter then. You really didn’t look like you were in the military.”

I tested her theory by coughing and tugging on my Naval hat when the stewardess tried to charge me for my beer. FREE DRINKS.

I’ll admit I have no explanation for that weird moment of Tourette's when I blurted out, “Military Discount,” when I was being rung up at the Maui Aquarium, nor should I have taken the wheel when the whale-watching vessel’s captain asked, “Hey sailor! Care to man the boat for a while?” Granted it was a bit of a George Costanza experience, “And for that moment I was a Marine Bioloigist.”

At the airport on the way back to New Jersey everyone bought me drinks and thanked me for my service.

Last week I went to the Home Depot near my house, the same Home Depot that I’ve been going to religiously, multiple times a week for the past five years, to buy supplies to extend my wife’s garden (not a sexual reference). I racked up a $600 tab on lumber, chicken wire fence, fence posts, soil, fruits, and vegetables. Before I could pay the frizzy haired 80s goddess of yesteryear who wanted to be smoking a cigarette instead of ringing me up she said, “Oh you’re in the Navy? You get a military discount.” She pressed a button and my total dropped over $100.

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Through all of this no one ever directly asked me if I was in the Navy. They just saw the hat, assumed, and acted.

I simply stayed quiet and played along.

Is that a sin?

I never attempted to dupe anyone.

There was one fellow at the airport in Maui who questioned me. “Were you on the U.S.S. New Jersey?” the fellow waiting on line to board the plane home asked.

“Yes, I was.” I snapped back with pride.

“Really? I was on it in Vietnam. And they decommissioned it in 1969. Before you were born.”

“Oh. Well, I wasn’t on it-on it. But I visited it. When I bought this hat.”

CHRIS NIERATKO

For more stupid go to Chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com