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Kelly's Krush Korner - Lizzy Caplan

I don't know if you've noticed or not, but a lot of people seem to be getting columns on this thing. I decided to pitch a few column ideas on topics that everyone would be sure to enjoy and yet still make very certain that it would basically be all...

I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but a lot of people seem to be getting columns on this thing. I decided to pitch a few column ideas on topics that everyone would be sure to enjoy, and thought long and hard to make sure to offer a lot of options, and yet still make very certain that no matter what I wrote about, it would basically be all about me.
Here’s what I pitched:

"Queer Shit"

"A Shut-in's Guide to Life" (How to get around basically never having to leave the house)

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"Hating People. Every day" (How to function in life and be pretty popular, even though you pretty much hate everyone.)

"Kelly's Krush Korner" (This would be where I'd post a picture of a celebrity (or real-life) crush and then make up a funny story about them.)

"Kelly's Guide to Success" (This would be about how I've somehow carved out a pretty great career for myself, aside from the fact that I burn tons of bridges and piss people off every single day. I'd offer tips on how to be motivated and get shit done.)

I ended my message with “let me know what you think!” and then one of the editors replied and asked if numbers two and three were some sort of cry for help, and offered to give me some hotline numbers.

Lizzy Caplan is obviously my first crush pick because she is a hot lady who can go from looking like a regular hot lady to a hot lady lesbian just like that. You may know her from such films as Mean Girls or Hot Tub Time Machine, and from True Blood -- where she played a hot insane lady who liked to drink vampire blood and then fuck while listening to Fleetwood Mac. It’s funny that that detail found its way into the show, because it was actually during a Fleetwood Mac concert in Nevada that Lizzy Caplan and I first met. Oh, you didn’t know we were friends? Well, we’re not. We’re lovers.

I am probably the only lesbian on the face of the Earth who doesn’t give two patchouli shits about Stevie Nicks, but I won a ticket to a Fleetwood Mac reunion show in Nevada a few years back and couldn’t turn it down. I was working a crappy secretarial job at the time and got the ticket in a raffle. Some other lady won the other ticket and we were supposed to go together and “bond” or whatever, but I was like, "Look, I don’t do that. I hope you understand.”

It’s weird being at a concert by yourself, but the section I was in (orchestra!) didn't have seats so the people up front can grind privates in front of the band. I just went with the flow and threw my hands up and smoked dope like I just didn’t even care. I rubbed up against business people, grandparents, Stevie Nicks’ aunt who was visiting from Palm Springs. I was really making a go of it. People were passing huge peach-flavored blunts back and forth so when I felt someone elbow me, I thought it was coming my way again, but then no one put anything in my mouth.

I looked to the side like “WTF” and there the fuck was Lizzy Caplan. She was wearing tight black jeans, a white wife beater, and had some sort of feathered something or other -- like a headband or something -- on her head. Her eyes were so blue, but also really red because I think she was insanely stoned, maybe just from secondhand smoke (I don’t wanna start any rumors). As we locked eyes, Stevie went into the first verse of "Landslide," and Lizzy Caplan and I orgasmed right there, without even touching each other. She told me not to tell anyone, because I think she didn’t want anyone to think she’s a dyke, but since we didn’t actually touch each other, technically she’s not.

So that’s how Lizzy Caplan and I came to be the first married lesbian couple in New York state.

KELLY MCCLURE