Brawling Is the New Black

A weekly roundup of anything fashion-related that's made us excited about having bodies that we can dress with clothes.

PENFIELD MILITARY BASICS

I have this thing about only buying clothes that I’m confident aren’t going to fall apart in six months, which might sound obvious, but it really limits my "don’t even think about washing this" knitwear options. When I’m not despondently sifting through shop rails of pre-distressed delicate wool (which is a lot of the time), the trend, fabric and seam lifetimes of everything else I could possibly buy are constantly ticking along in my brain. So when it comes to investing in a winter coat, I properly get the fear.

It has to last, be warm, be versatile, be durable and look good over every badly thought-out outfit I happen to throw on at 8AM on a Wednesday morning, or 11PM on a Friday night. Because of these virtually impossible requirements, I almost always just buy parkas from army surplus stores: if there’s one thing the military have got right (there is, literally, just this one thing) it’s that they know how to make  great clothing. Army boots, combat trousers, big furry hats, sure, it’s a little Mel from All Saints to wear them all at the same time, but whatever it’s so warm, and it’s probably considered vintage by now anyway.

Sometimes wearing stiff military parkas makes me look a bit like an army nutter, though. Thankfully, to ease us into that time of year when your body convulses with cold 75 percent of the time and your nose is constantly crusted over, Penfield have released a series of three military inspired coats. More James Bond than John Rambo, they’ve re-worked three of their original designs in classic army colours and fabrics. Made from military issue flight nylon in the iconic grey-green with fluorescent orange lining, they'll make you look really hard, but are actually stuffed full of lovely, soft down. Kind of a perfect compromise really.

COURTNEY LOVE DESIGNS CLOTHES, FINALLY

I’m completely baffled as to why this didn’t already happen three years ago, of all the living style icons C-Love is obviously the best dressed. Given that absolutely everyone's been jumping on the Hole train for a good six seasons, it was weird that she didn’t at least do a line of fingerless lace gloves to sell in Harvey Nichols or something. I guess she was a bit busy being really cool and insane and having more stuff pumped into her lips or whatever.

Anyway, finally the queen of the amazingly-dressed, fucked-up fuck-ups is launching her own line of clothing called Never The Bride, which consists of re-worked vintage pieces from her own wardrobe (fangirl shriek). Finally you too can look like Oliver in a wedding dress, in a totally good way. From the limited number of pictures that Courtney released via Twitter, it's clear that the mix of Meadham Kirchhoff chiffons and Queen of The Damned headpieces are going to be fully covetable and scrabbled over once they go on sale (on Net-a-Porter, the only confirmed retailer so far).

Sure, you could definitely buy all this stuff in a charity shop for a fraction of the price, but we should at least rally to support Courtney who's been so flagrantly ripped off over the past few years by pretty much every brand worth its weight in chiffon and fishnets.

BRAWLING IS THE NEW BLACK

Everyone wants a signet ring, right? Whether you’re thug-gay, nu-metal, work-wear or some other bullshit term that can be used to describe the colour of T-shirt you decided to wear this morning, chances are you really want a signet ring. I first wanted a signet ring when I was 15 and wore clip in hair-extensions (I’m female, not that it really matters) and my friend bought a signet ring from Argos with her initials carved in, and there was nothing in the world that I wanted more, to complement my awkward gangly middle-class tween image. Smith/Grey make signet rings that aren’t just heavy and cool, but they’re also all scraped up like you’ve been skidding around on pool hall floors brawling with skin-heads (that's a good thing, keep up). Trust me there's nothing more satisfying than wearing a weighty aggressive ring, just ask Prince Charles.

GREAT BRIXTON

Buying stuff is great and everything, but buying stuff which helps to fund loads of cool shit for young people is more fun, cos you totally get that "I’m a good person" buzz on top of having a new T-shirt. Champion Presents give every penny of profit from their Great Brixton T-shirt sales to young creative projects and enterprises, which is a lot more satisfying than giving your pocket money to billionaire criminals, right? Inspired by market traders and icons from their local area (Brixton, duh), pick up a shirt from Circus, or 20 Storey, and then make everyone else you know do the same. Just try not to all wear them on the same day.

TIGI CONCEAL SEX TOYS IN HAIR PRODUCTS

Bathtime is great for two things: getting clean and having sex fantasies. Tigi must spend a lot of time fantasising in the tub, because this season they’ve developed the ultimate combination product. The "Elasticate" and "Recharge" shampoo and conditioners made by their cult line Bedhead smell great, protect your hair and look just like dildos. No longer must you live in fear of your boyfriend or parent stumbling upon your “off-limits” draw: Tigi worked out that the best way to hide something is to make it fluorescent pink, wham a logo on it and fill it with conditioner. Thanks Bedhead, you guys are the best. Plus, "Recharge" smells and looks like how I imagine Heaven to feel (pink, pearlescent and with subtle hints of marijuana smoke).

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