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The first clip was a straight-up penetration loop, which was alright, but far too rudimentary to get anything stirring. Also, it immediately made me aware that Vine isn't offering some new dawn of girl-curated, girl-orientated smut. It adheres to the same model as most porn 2.0: i.e. lonely, straight men helping other lonely, straight men cum. I'm not one of those girls who can only get off to porn if the actress is wearing nice shoes and the guy looks like a trustworthy man with a steady job who won't let down your children, but I found it a little hard to get into six-second close-ups of tit wanks and splayed assholes.

I cheated a little and tracked down a selection of videos that I thought might actually work on me. They all started out a little better, in that they didn't just look like videos of short-tempered wrestlers trying to plunge toilets with their dicks. But that glimpse of hope was shattered as soon as the guy in each video shoved his tongue down the girl's ass or his whole hand in her mouth, like a rapey dentist with a complete lack of self-control and dental training.VIDEOS FIVE AND SIX
Again, I was kinda floundering here. "Cumshot facial" appears to be a popular tag, and you know what? I don't actually mind cumshot facials. But I'm used to seeing them as isolated incidents in the context of 30-minute clips, not over and over again in six-second clips, a never-ending waterfall of sperm cascading down onto some poor girl's face. Six-second cumshot loops are the most male gaze-y thing ever: they remove all the build-up and just zoom right in on the end product, locking the actor forever in a world of endless climax. Also, there aren't many things worse to get in your eye than spunk. The stinging from that can really ruin your day.
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The girl in this video (above) was actually pretty hot and looked like she was genuinely enjoying herself. Shame I was watching it as a looping GIF, which hammered the sincerity out of her groans and grins on every rotation.VIDEO EIGHT, NINE AND TEN
The next couple of videos instantly pushed me down into an arid valley of pornographic torture. I spent five of the six seconds of one video trying to discern whether the gaping, cum-covered hole I was looking at was an ass or a vagina, and the whole of another one dry retching at a selfie video of some guy jerking his own tight, veiny cock. Despite the fact it boasted Likes from both "Ride My Cock" and "SexyBack", it failed to make me approach anything nearing an orgasm.


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Having navigated a gauntlet of GIFs ripped from RedTube and a cavernous anal fissure of profiles set up by guys fixated on sharing their furry cracks with the world, I eventually settled on Lex Steel's page – the only user I could find with a pornfolio that didn't make my balls scared.The first video was a woman sucking another woman's toe. Now, I understand fetishes are entirely subjective; if slowly running your tongue over hardened callouses somehow gets you hard, that's fine. But it's not for me. There was a second or so at the end of the toe sucking where one girl had her panties pulled aside, which gave me a quick quiver, but that instantly subsided every time it looped back on to the slobbery feet.
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The bleak, vacant stare and worryingly Yewtree title initially had me scrolling straight past this one, but as soon as she started lashing furiously at this guy's asshole with her tongue, I knew I'd discovered something special – a scatological saviour in a wasteland of entry-level smut.Rim-jobs are a personal passion of mine: they feel glorious and they're pretty much impossible to fuck up. If they could make me cum, I'd give up penetration altogether. So, as you can probably imagine, that video set me going on a race to the end.Sadly, the next video – an animation of Lois Griffin from Family Guy giving Peter a blowjob – sent me tumbling into flop-flop land. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hate Family Guy.VIDEO FIVE, SIX AND SEVEN
By this point, my complete lack of coordination was starting to fuck with the experiment. Synching a scroll with one hand while jerking off with the other was too much for my brain to handle (I could never do that head rub, tummy tap thing: it's coming back to bite me now). So I dropped my phone to the sofa, sat up straight, settled on a single clip and concentrated.
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This one was great. Watching the girl's ass jiggle was hypnotic, a bit like staring into a lava lamp, only there weren't mesmerising wax formations, there was a dick repeatedly thrusting into an asshole on an eternal loop. I'm a simple man of simple pleasures, and infinite anal just about pips the post for me. I glanced over to the timer – 14 seconds to go.
