Three days ago outside a Toronto FC soccer game, CityNews reporter Shauna Hunt was setting up with her crew for a live broadcast when a hilarious dudebro crashed upon the scene with masculine aplomb and shouted into her microphone: "Fuck her right in the pussy!"
He quickly fled the scene, as heroes do. Oh, but how the surrounding dudebros took such pleasure! Oh, how they laughed with sheer joy! Sexual harassment! Sexual harassment IN the workplace! Women are just vaginas! Hilarious, violent, dehumanizing aggression! If that isn't pure comedy, we're throwing away our Family Guy DVDs.
Hunt, who clearly can't take an innocent joke (and, really, shouldn't be allowed near the sports arena, aka MAN TERRITORY, until she acknowledges that boys will be boys), decided to confront our dudebro heroes. She asked them why they thought it was necessary not only to degrade women, but also why they would want to embarrass her on live television. They tried to explain the joke to her female brain, saying that "it is quite substantial." Truer words have not been spoken. The immense significance of being able to be The Most Substantial Dudebro in front of a live audience, and also getting your ass fired from your employment, is a time-honoured tradition. And this fucking broad just, like, is ruining everything. She must be frigid or a lesbian or something.
Seriously, unless she was willing to take off her top, or talk about how wet she was in that moment, she really should have just shut up. The whole point of #FHRITP is to make women feel helpless and vulnerable in public. It's the perfect way to force her to contribute to her own silencing. We get to create the content, and we also get to control the response. No matter what she says in reply, she will get laughed at.
Her: "It's a disgusting thing to say, it's degrading to women…"
Him: "BUT WHERE ELSE ARE YOU GONNA DO IT?"
HAW HAW HAW AM I DANIEL TOSH YET?
Her: "If your mom saw you laughing about—"
Him: "MY MOM WOULD DIE LAUGHING."
CAN'T HEAR YOU, MOM DYING OF PUSSY-RELATED LAUGHTER.
When you watch the video of the incident, even the men in the background who say nothing to her are all giggling like school boys who got into dad's Canadian Club whisky stash for the first time. It's funny to them because there's no way she can win with her "thoughts" and "questions" and "rational argument." Oh, you mean she just wants to do her job free from obscene, violent language when she's filming on location? But there's no other way for these gentlemen to interact with a woman!
And of course, everyone on social media agrees with our humble soccer fans' assessment of the situation. It has nothing to do with violence against women! Really, you just shouldn't interact with those evil "feeeeeemales." We should sue the fuck out of that cunt! And don't forget the real loser in all of this: anal sex. Won't someone think of the anal sex! On Twitter/Reddit et al, anyone who is stupid enough to post an argument against hilarious, sexist bullying is put through a variation of this manipulative dialogue:
"You don't think sexual harassment in public is funny?"
"You will have to debate each and every one of us to win, then."
" I don't think I should have to."
We win every time! We are the champions! WE ARE THE LEADERS OF THE WOLF PACK!
And let's not forget the many voices on Twitter who, in a roundabout fashion, aid in our cause with their #NotAllMen arguments. Sure, not all men go around yelling "fuck her right in the pussy," but it's also true that only dudes have been known to do this. But, heyyyy, maaaan! We, in particular, have never yelled this out! LET'S MAKE THIS ISSUE ALL ABOUT ME ME ME. EVEN THOUGH THIS ISSUE ISN'T ABOUT ME, LET'S SHUT DOWN ANY CONVERSATION WOMEN WANT TO HAVE ABOUT THEIR UNIQUE OPPRESSION BY REMINDING THEM ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Broads just don't get it: they are the object of our desire and simultaneously the object of ridicule. Why are they not cool with this? Fuck knows. What happened to women having a sense of humour or being able to take a compliment? We're telling them that we want to fuck them right in the pussy, not drug and rape them right in the pussy! You're killing our attempts at romance!
We're so glad that so many people are defending our fellow downtrodden dudebro engineer who was fired from his $100K job at Hydro One for reminding a professional reporter that she is just a vagina on legs. We're also glad that not a single person who witnessed her sexual harassment stopped to defend her. Like, bitches have all the rights in the world. Dudes have to die in wars! If she really cared about women's rights, she would go to Somalia.
We're fucking right in the pussy for you, Somalia.
And women, don't forget that the next time you are sexually harassed in public, in the workplace, in private, or online, that you can't take a joke. That it was your fault for choosing to dress yourself the way you saw fit. That you can't take a compliment. That you're not entitled to feel safe in your community. That how you look is more important than how you feel. That dudes can only relate to you by way of their boners. That boners are more important than your safety. And that because you are walking through the public sphere, your body is public property.
Follow Christine Estima on Twitter.