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March 3, 2009, 2:50pm

Right now there is a huge scandal at my old high school because the IT guy has been charged with secretly videotaping the girls bathroom. Like a horny, nervous James Bond/Brown he hid a spy camera inside an insulated pipe on the ceiling, then he set up a secret viewing station in a maintenance closet where he would receive live wireless transmissions. I met him several times and he was a stand-up guy. I can say that I would have trusted him with my email password in a heartbeat.

But this brings up a larger question: Do spy cams ever actually produce worthwhile material? I'm sure he had hundreds of hours of pixilated footage of drama nerds peeing, and maybe once a day he got some shots of a yoga instructor taking a dump. But what was he expecting to see in a high school bathroom outside a Spanish classroom or wherever? Do most girls take off their tops and rub their breasts with soapy water while they pee? I just feel like a spy camera is a recipe for really boring masturbation material. Am I wrong?

The thing you have to remember is how serious a charge he is facing. You would expect him to get his spy equipment taken away and a stern talking to. No, the IT guy has to go to jail, lose his job, and become an official sex offender. He just wanted to make sure there was enough WI-FI to go around, and the minute he starts masturbating to underage girls pooping in a dark, tissue-strewn supply closet everyone has to freak the fuck out. Can people grow up?

This goes out to Homer the IT guy. I doubt you are reading this right now, but I just wanted to say, "I forgive you."