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Vice Blog

NEW YORK - PENIS CRUSH

No, this isn't about having envious and/or romantic feelings about a dick. This is a serious warning, folks, about the dangerous vise-like properties of certain toilet seats. Thanks to people following the hot trend of fancifying shitters, some British doctors had to issue a

release

yesterday about a rise in wee-wee rumpling. Seems toddlers try to impress their mommies with their grown-up potty skills, only to end up in the emergency room. We feel it's important to pass this message along, seeing how many regress, when fucked up, to the mind and motor skills of a four-year-old. So be safe out there. You may think you're all suave, sidling up to a common commode like "This ol' thing? I can totally handle it." Next thing you know your wiener's smashed. Four key doctor recommendations to avoid a pressed penis: 1. Parents should consider fitting toilet seats that fall slowly and with reduced momentum, markedly reducing the risk and degree of injury. 2. Heavier toilet seats could be banned in houses with male infants. 3. Households with male infants should consider leaving the toilet seat up after use, even though it contradicts the social norm of putting it down. 4. Parents could educate their toddlers to hold the toilet seat up with one hand when they pass urine and keep an eye on them until they are confident that they are able to do it unsupervised.