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Vice Blog

NEW YORK - A SCIENTIFIC POLL ABOUT THE RECESSION

The news and Young Jeezy have made perfectly clear how this worldwide money flow problem affects personal finances, but less attention has been given to a far more important topic: What about recession sex? According to a recent intensive survey of my friends when they're drunk, a few key developments have occurred.

For one, pubic hair has made a full comeback, and can now be seen in levels not seen since the recession in the 1970s. Additionally, there's way less oral sex going on. While some speculate that this may be correlated to the increase in pubic hair, in all likelihood it's due to the fact that oral sex is kinda boring sometimes. Gone are the days of first-date BJs. Instead, we're in a period where, similar to the 70s, only couples in committed, long-term relationships mouth each other.

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Lastly, casual sex among friends is way up (although thankfully swinging has yet to make a return). It's worth noting that fucking friends is risky territory. When these friends-with-benefits relationships are played correctly, they can result in enjoyable bonus-action for all parties involved. Often, however, they lead to broken friendships, black eyes, and feeling kinda gross. The most important thing to keep in mind is that you want to keep it casual; i.e., you DO NOT want your midnight encounters to turn into dates and phone calls. With that said, I present to you a quick guide to casual sex:

- Be intoxicated. If you're sober when you hook up, you're either going to end up in a relationship or with one less friend. There is no way around this. If you don't drink and/or drug, you cannot have casual sex. Sorry.

- It cannot be a frequent occurrence (no more than bi-monthly).

- A good way to ensure that you don't end up in a relationship is to get with people who aren't single. After all, someone can't start calling you the next day to try to get dinner if they're already having dinner with their boyfriend. A major downside to this is that it definitely makes you a bad person.

- Do not tell your other friends that you and (person's name) are having sex. They will probably be creeped out. Also, they definitely won't want to hang out with the two of you together, because in their mind you are already a couple. And once you're a couple in other people's minds, it's only a matter of days until you change your Facebook status to "In a Relationship."

- Do not have sex with someone you live with. Reasons for this should be obvious.

- Lastly, do not bang anyone you want to stay friends with. This may sound bad, but don't worry, you probably didn't really want to be friends with that person anyways. You just wanted to have sex with them. If this seems crude, remember what Mahatma Ghandi famously said*: "I don't have women friends. I just have women who I haven't yet had sex with."

HANSON O'HAVER

*Mahatma Ghandi did not really say this.